Newcomer's brief summary

[doubledown]

I had my first session with my therapist last night. My DB coach, Joanne, suggested I begin seeing a therapist to address some issues I have that have been contributing to the current state of my marriage.

When I provided him (therapist) my back story and where I am today within my marriage, me knowing W is involved in PA with OM and W has no idea I am aware, he strongly encouraged me to confront her about the PA.

As I thought about confronting her, I realize that the longer I let it go, the stronger their bond becomes. They are planning to rent a house together according to their emails and texts. Since my wife has just accepted a new career position in her industry, she will be making 2 1/2x what she earns now. This will only allow her more flexability and the wherewithall to make this kind of move.

I have been working on 180s and DB techniques for 45 days since I found out about their PA. There doesn't seem to be any change or acknowledgement on my wife's part. With their plan to be together looming, my question is this:

Should I prepare to confront her soon? With her first week at her new job beginning 8/26/13 and the kids returning to school on 9/4/13, is this a good time to hit her with the revelation? Catching her off guard, with all the stress of starting a new job and chapter in her life?

Maybe it will shock her into real life and really make an impact when she's least expecting it. My plan is to reherse my presentation so that I can remain composed and charge neutral without emotion. Letting her know that I am aware of the affair and that she needs to end it immediately and sever all contact with OM permanently or she'll have to leave and there will be a significant cost to leaving. No come and go as she pleases, no taking the kids with her to a house she shares with OM, etc.

I'll only get one shot at the confrontation. So, I'll want to make the biggest impact I can without pushing her away. What should be included?

Should I ask her questions like: 1) Do you really know what you're doing? Any doubts? 2) You don't seem to think much beyond your relationship with him. You must wonder how long that can continue? 3) It seems to me there is a great hole in you. And you think the other person can fill it? 4) Your need to fill your emptiness is overriding your integrity.

Any suggestions? During my first coaching call, My DB coach, Joanne, said that I should start therapy and then tell W that I have been listening to her and reveal that I am getting help because I need to make changes for myself, my kids and my W. My W has been telling me to get help and make improvements over the years, but I was too pround, weak, ashamed.

Do I begin by telling my W about my therapy and that I realize our marriage has been suffering for a long time, but I know I need to work on me for everyone's benefit. That I want to be the husband and father that I know I can be, want to be and that my W and kids deserve?

What should be included? What should be left out during the confrontation?

I really need help here. I'm looking for input from the vets and others who may have suggestions or experience with sucessful confrontations with spouse who is/was in PA with another.

Please provide your insight!!!

[doubledown]

I don't seem to be reaching anyone out there. Am I doing something wrong? How do I get my posts in the mix and get some feedback/responses?

Please help with direction!

[doubledown]

I don't seem to be getting any responses to my posts since 8/13. Should I be doing something different? I started at Infidelity/extramarital affairs. I was told to go to new comers and have been posting there. I got some nice responses initially, but now I'm lost. I can't seem to get a response.

Can anyone help?!

[FlyOnTheWall]

I stopped giving advice on all threads, guess I gave just awful advice. So im here to just be as supportive as I can and let you know your comments are being read at least, I'm sorry your here, its a tough sitch, but hang in there.

[Cadet]

I don't seem to be getting any responses to my posts since 8/13. Should I be doing something different? I started at Infidelity/extramarital affairs. I was told to go to new comers and have been posting there. I got some nice responses initially, but now I'm lost. I can't seem to get a response.

Can anyone help?!

I posted a response to this on the infidelity forum.

What is it specifically that you are looking for a response to?

Your DB coach has told you one thing and your therapist has told you something different.

What do you think you should do?

I could tell you my opinion but I dont have to live with YOUR choices, YOU do.

I can tell you that MWD does not believe in confrontation and exposure of the affair.
Other websites and places do believe in it.
Go back and read what Sandi wrote to you concerning this, it was good advice.
I would not confront or expose the affair without a very good plan in place.
You only get one chance to do it and then you must live with the consequences.
This site is probably not a great place to develop that plan, being that it goes against their advice.
I think that is all I am going to say for the moment as I dont want to break any rules here either.

I am not an expert on this but I have read a lot.

[lionhrt]

Hi DD,

Sorry you find yourself here. You sound like you have a good start with DB coach and Sandis advice and there really is not much more to add.

I am not an expert with A but know of 2 EA's that W has had. One with an old school BF and one more recently with a married man. Not sure if either went to PA or are still going on.

If I were you I would stop and take a breath. You don't need to rush anything re confrontation or anything like that until you have your life in a place where you are prepared to accept S or D....unless that is what you want. In my opinion from reading these and other I doubt confronting her will give her the wake up call you are expecting....more likely the opposite....but like I said I am not an expert.

Also W will probably not play an active role in saving the M until the A ends...so all the work has to come from you.

What do you think she is getting from OM that you don't give W. Sandi mentioned there is usually a reason i.e. emotional needs being unmet...this was certainly the case in my M!

In he meantime I would try take the focus of the A (easier said than done). That means no snooping, don't mention OM(except here), GAL, work-out, run for miles or whatever it takes to put OM out of your mind...FWIW I chose working out at the gym, horse riding, running etc.. you get the drift...anything that clears your head, helps your PMA and takes the focus off your sitch. ...GAL as others advised...and get out of your comfort zone..do something different.

Also on the 180's she may give you the too little too late talk so be prepared for this. This is script for the WAW and remember you are doing it to for you because you need to change...these are life changes and not tactics to win her back. Don't fall into the trap of keep changing to get a reaction from W. She needs to see consistent changes for months or even years.

I would also hold off R talk unless she initiates it, avoid all pressure, be upbeat at all times, read DR again and again to learn the techniques and also 5 love languages if you haven't already.

Good luck

[JayMan]

Double-down, I'm unfortunately getting re-acquainted in my second time on this site.

Your patience and grace is unbelievable. I know how it feels to feel panicked/rushed to do SOMETHING!

I came here in 2009 to try to save my marriage with my first wife, and it failed miserably. During the separation/divorce period, I NEVER thought that there would ever be anything good in my life again. However, the next two years were unbelievable - the best two years of my life, bar none. My kids and I formed a bond, I had friends pour into my life, my spiritual life was deep and rich, and I was so incredibly full of joy, it was unbelievable.

Even though it feels like utter crap right now, even if the worst case scenario happens, I can vouch that it is not the end of the world. I know it probably feels like that some days - I can remember reading a friend's Facebook post about his anniversary and just breaking into tears. (I do NOT cry!

Stay strong, focused, clear, patient. I preach this to myself every morning, even when I sometimes fail.

[too trusting]

As I thought about confronting her, I realize that the longer I let it go, the stronger their bond becomes.

not necessarily

They are planning to rent a house together according to their emails and texts. Since my wife has just accepted a new career position in her industry, she will be making 2 1/2x what she earns now. This will only allow her more flexability and the wherewithall to make this kind of move.

maybe that is what she is telling him, but until she actually tells you that she is planning to move out, it is just theory.

Should I prepare to confront her soon? With her first week at her new job beginning 8/26/13 and the kids returning to school on 9/4/13, is this a good time to hit her with the revelation? Catching her off guard, with all the stress of starting a new job and chapter in her life?

I think you just answered your own question. right now she will be very stressed about doing well at her new job. do you think now is the time to add extra stress? ever heard about "shooting the messenger"? do you want to be the one who adds stress to her at a time when she least needs it, while (in her imagination at least) OM is the one who "makes her feel good"?

also don't forget that in her new job OM will NOT be her co-worker. i.e. she won't be seeing him automatically at work. of course she can find ways to see him, but it's not going to be all day every day at work.

Maybe it will shock her into real life and really make an impact when she's least expecting it.

it will quite likely have the opposite effect of what you are hoping. it will be a shock for her, yes, but not in a good way. more like - anger at you for discovering what she has been doing.

Letting her know that I am aware of the affair and that she needs to end it immediately and sever all contact with OM permanently or she'll have to leave and there will be a significant cost to leaving. No come and go as she pleases, no taking the kids with her to a house she shares with OM, etc.

"letting her know that [you are] aware of the affair" means that you will be letting her know that you knew all along and did nothing. it will make you look like a wimp. and all those demands - she will not respond with "yessir! right away sir!" but more like "H, go jump in the lake! I always knew you were a control freak! now I am going to go to my darling OM who is always so sweet and kind and *really* understands me!"

(now we both know that this is the guy who, besides being way below her intellectually, had a wife in Mexico - to whom he is still married - and was living with a girlfriend, while carrying on an affair with her. and she is planning to move in with him???? but she is living in dreamland and nothing you can say will wake her up to reality. she has to get there herself.)

I'll only get one shot at the confrontation. So, I'll want to make the biggest impact I can without pushing her away.

that's for sure

Should I ask her questions like: 1) Do you really know what you're doing? Any doubts? 2) You don't seem to think much beyond your relationship with him. You must wonder how long that can continue? 3) It seems to me there is a great hole in you. And you think the other person can fill it? 4) Your need to fill your emptiness is overriding your integrity.

NO NO NO!!!! too specific and too soon!

first let her start her new job. give her at least about 2 weeks to get used to her new job. and then if she is "working late hours" you can *gently* ask her, why she is working so late. do not let her know that you know about the affair - not yet.

During my first coaching call, My DB coach, Joanne, said that I should start therapy and then tell W that I have been listening to her and reveal that I am getting help because I need to make changes for myself, my kids and my W. My W has been telling me to get help and make improvements over the years, but I was too pround, weak, ashamed.

Do I begin by telling my W about my therapy and that I realize our marriage has been suffering for a long time, but I know I need to work on me for everyone's benefit. That I want to be the husband and father that I know I can be, want to be and that my W and kids deserve?

that is good advice. and combine it with gently asking about her "working late" (if she is) because you want to improve your relationship and want her to spend more time with you and the kids in the evenings.

What should be left out during the confrontation?

don't tell her yet that you know about the affair.

[too trusting]

Looking for some experience here. I am reading DR and have set some short-term goals regarding what I would like to see change about my marriage.

Here are some of my short term goals:
- want her to end affair by December 25, 2013
- have her initiate conversations with me, calls, texts.
- have her approach me and want to be around me
- see me as I make improvements, notcie that I'm a kind, loving, patient father to our boys and become engaged with us.
- consistently agree with her feelings and not question them
- start spending time together; go out, dinner, movie, something!
- have her want to come home earlier and want to be here with me and be happy while at home.

these are not "short term" goals. and most of them are all about what you want her to do! this is a wish list.

look at each goal and ask yourself - what "baby steps" would be a sign that she is moving in the direction of that goal?

reread the chapter about it in the "Divorce Remedy" book.

good luck!

[lovethehub]

There is so much to respond to in your posts. I read it this morning but wanted to think before I reply. I do believe that you knowing about the affair and NOT mentioning it is to your benefit. It gives you to e to work on yourself without your W thinking you are just doing it to change her mind and end her A.

I have more to say but have to think about, just didnt way you to feel alone. In he meantime, rest assured, Sandi is hear and she has a lot of experience and great advice. I also had an A and was a WAW, so some of my advice will come from what is most likely your Ws perspective, or very similar to it.