NEW LIFE / NEW ME

[Fartiltre]

LTH, Sandi

Thanks for all your advice – I simply don’t know how I would have gone through these days without this.

I do have a thick skull. It is hard getting anything inside but on the other hand it stays inside when it finally get there! I have been at home working on the house all day long and while doing that I have been thinking and to be honest I am not sure I get this. I believe it’s my male lizard brain working against me and at the same time it has to cope with female advice regarding female behavior and perception – that is truly a hard one.

When I am told not to call then I don’t, but then you tell me to talk to children on Skype. That demands giving her a call so she can help them and right there my male brain starts smoking. Don’t call her – do call her! I am a man, ladies – remember? When I have told you that I will follow your advice then I do so! Don’t call her means don’t call her like in never ever! Same applies on don’t go into her house and don’t give her any cake (family time).

Skype is family-time since she is right beside them – it is a very small cake or a crumb I know. I did call her today and asked if she could set the Ds up on Skype. She did and it was so nice seeing them and talking to them. If I can do this it will make me feel good but isn’t it working against the advice you gave me.
(By the way: W sounded funny when I called - almost like she was telling me in her tone "WhyTF are you calling?" She turned nice quite quickly and tried to keep the Ds focus on Skype. She also interrupted and told something about them having tea and CAKE )

I am confused about when I can interact and at the same time I know I should chit-chat.
Is the point that I can contact her when it is about the children – also just a social call to the children like the Skype call?
Is this the “Bill and Boys” that I have read about in another sitch?
Should I chit-chat as long as it is strictly about Ds or should I only talk about facts, appointments, homework and leave out a nice moment with D and what if she starts doing this – should I end the talk? Sandi told me business-like convos at one time and that means no chit-chat at all as I see it!

I believe my confusion is centered on the exact do’s and don’ts and this is properly simply because my brain works squarely.

Do you know what I mean?

I am also confused about the sentences that I should use if she goes for the friend-issue again. I believe she will do this somewhere in the future. She won’t come directly at me – she will properly just invite me inside for coffee and when I turn her down she will ask why. This is the easy part since I can just state that I am meeting somebody or likewise. The hard part will be if she at some point want’s to discuss this! I will end the convo but still I need to say something to do it nicely.

It feels like I am missing the link or the road Sandi wrote about. Friends are to the left and blame is on the right – I have to walk this road and I can’t see it clearly – yet! I am getting closer but do believe I need some time to go over this – and luckily it seems like I have gotten the gift of time from W.

I don’t feel like being friends and I don’t feel like putting blame and guilt on her but you tell me to use words like “when you decided to leave” – isn’t this putting blame on her or is it just my lizardbrain once again?

Sandi, I don’t know if it was your writing, my reading or perhaps my English – but I thought you wanted me to assign blame (I haven’t done it!!). I did believe you wanted me to place the blame on her.
I am glad that I shouldn’t do this since I still feel no anger towards her. I believe she has the responsibility for BD but I still take my part of the responsibility for getting her there – that’s how I felt all the way and still does.

I know, it is hard on all of us. Unfortunately you and I knew it would be when you made this decision but the girls didn't really get it until after you moved

This sentence is simply excellent! I will have the hardest time doing sentences like this without totally understanding this. I understand all of your words but I don’t feel able to put them into action. I have tried to adjust towards your summary of how I should look at it all.

Some are yours and some are mine:
W: The children are hurting, please……
ME: It must be very difficult dealing with the children's sadness, but W, you surely thought about all this when you were making the decision to leave the M.
ME: I know, it is hard on all of us. Unfortunately you and I knew it would be when you made this decision but the girls didn't really get it until after you moved
W: Why don’t you want to be friends?
ME: This is a result of your choices. I always wanted a R with you but then you chose to leave the R and along with you leaving came a different R for us. I will continue to co-parent, be the best father possible and I will be friendly towards you but I can’t be your friend.

W: Why don’t you want to do things as a family? / You are hurting the children when you don’t want to do things together with me
ME: "W, I have thought a lot about doing things together as a family. You have chosen to move on and I don't see how this will help the girls in the long run. Us being friendly when we see each other will help the girls but dinner, I don't think that will help"
ME: W, I am just trying to protect the children from further hurt. Since you chose to move out the children have been hurting, but they will get better and I won’t be responsible for pulling them through this process once more when one of us gets hooked up again.
ME: W, the children are hurting because they don’t have us together anymore that’s just the deal of D and surely you have thought about this when you decided to move on. Having dinner once in a while will just rip up their wounds and I won’t do that.
W: Why don’t you answer my calls and texts?
ME: If I am not busy I do answer them – if you have something very important about the children then send me a text and I will get back to you as soon as possible.

W: Why haven’t you told me this before? / Why have you been so nice when we lived together?
ME: Things were different when we lived together after you made the decision to. You pretended and so did I – I felt I had to keep things light and pleasant for the children’s sake – they will always be my first priority. I will continue to be friendly with you but since we are not living together anymore I will not be your friend.

W: Come on in and have a cup of coffee
ME: Thanks, but I have to meet somebody soon so I have to run

W: Can I come in?
ME: Is there anything we need to address right now?
ME: Sorry, we/I do not have the time right now.
ME: Yes, but only for a minute or so – I/we have plans.

I am sure I am forgetting a lot, but I'm almost afraid to say much b/c I am worried you will go too far the opposite direction.

Sandi…I won’t! I will do my best to stay on the path between friends and blame. I do believe I understand the principals but putting them in to actuals sentences when I talk to W will be my problem!

I will look into Dobson. “Love must be tough” is available on kindle so I can have that one in a second. He has also written “Love must be tough: Straight talk”. Which one are you suggesting? Both?


Perhaps I just need a day or two or a hundred going through this over and over - and then it will possible get through my skull. I want so bad to understand the why's and how's because then the do's will get so much easier! If at some point the two of you succeeds I would love to be able to tell you a shortcut to use in the future when other LBHs turns towards you.

Ladies, I keep on posting Thanks and it doesn’t cover my feelings towards all the time and help you have given me!

I am off to bed - enjoy the rest of your day and sleep tight when you decide the day has come to an end!

F