missed ya lately- trip up to nj , mom to hospital, etc. always something wierd popping up in life these days. very busy- haven't even unpacked yet.
just took h to airport - and didn't go back to hospital til "up tight" sister leaves i think. she yelled her head off at me yesterday- i have no interest in any kind of repeat. it never ceases to amaze me that someone soooooo self-centered can end up yelling at me for not being MORE considerate of her & her needs & feelings- despite my being there and dealing with all mom stuff- BUT it's all about her wanting to darn well reach me on a cell phone when SHE WANTED TO and being pissed that i didn't have it on.! who even could know?
not my lifestyle- cellphone ONLY for emergencies & long drives alone - ONLY.
OH WELL huh? typical for her- emotional turmoil when anything going wrong in life- she freaks out and "attacks" someone.
My mistake- just saying back how i felt about it- I swear i was soft spoken (me in hospital room) and she was busting a gut at home alone. oiy!!! this family is gonna kill me. oh well huh? i still don't feel hurt or that bad about her telling me she & everyone hates me and that i should move to florida and stay there (before hanging up on me. nice huh?
if only real life was as simple as being all involved with your h's family and not have to deal with the mess in your own family. you know- the "inconvenient" things in life- people, old age, feelings, illnesses, hospitals, "s happens" kind of stuff. the crappy guilt & duty stuff.
i was just reading last page or so of your thread -
i know what you mean bout trying "to follow the rules" and still be linda. you do love- nice that you even feel you want to say it out loud. i flip and flop on the issue. it sticks in my throat. seems I have big trouble saying it or thinking it to someone sooooo obviously besotted with large ole dog-eye - - cow-girl . idk-
i think probalby you have to just go with your gut. i may be doing it rite or wrong- but the whole db thing- i can appreciate most of the strategies and so on - but i think we all have to try and modify it to go with our personalities and who we are.
me- no verbal affection going out - it's not welcome. i'm swalloqing it all- still trying to stfu with a vengence. i may explode one of these days.
pretty tired of feeling like i have leporasy except maybe at nite he may snuggle over one tiny bit- but not touch (like a hug or an actual on purpose touch) it's soooo f'ing jerky.. like if he accidentally (affirmatively) shows affection or touches me it means something awful. who knows- maybe he is disgusted too... ? maybe he thinks he'll be cheating on ow - maybe he is repulsed because he's alllll in love with her? idk- maybe i don't care (i wish) i'm too pooped from trying to figure.
however- both of us have to be us- it's stressful as hell not being able to be me, show affection without fear (ha) or get some back (double ha!)how it'll end, idk- anyone's guess.
for moment have tank ful of oil - so heat this winter - woo hoo. backup computer in case this one croaks while he's gone- idk why he knocks himself out doing nice stuff- it means something- but not anything that matters... crap substitute for love or affection. .
he texted me twice after being dropped at airport. first time he ever texted. i believe he's all happy to be going back to boink his true love. hope his winkie falls off.
i have a notion he gets allll "generous" in spirit to me because he's soooo guilty feelin and going to be so happy very shortly. i hope his butt falls off along with his winkie. idk- my "take" on it. he's one messed up dude.
i have no intention of "competing" with the cow or of "trying to win him back" . i was not crabby or wierd- but i wasn't warm or fuzzy either. it was a bit unusual parting- he even looked back and waved a couple times- wtf is up with that??? the guilt must be totally ENORMOUS for him to be acting like he cares.
how sad that any act of niceness is now construed by me as a bad sign of his guilt.
oh well- nothing new here- hope you're good. sorry for your giant quandries there - this nit picking can get to you.
where the heck is the list of abbreviations>? i may have known once- but can't find it and never can figure out what the heck people are sayng? any idea??
