How to DR if she will not leave the OM?

[sw-1234]

Agree with nearly all of this. ^^^.

And as 25yearsmlc says, she and I hardly EVER agree, so that oughta tell you something, sw.

I have read many of both of your posts and value both perspectives.

Time to start setting some initial boundaries. Starting with the "no texting from our marital home." This will help you learn the basic skills of boundary setting and enforcement (I personally SUKKED at this, as I am a natural "pleaser/rescuer/NiceGuy" type). "Boundaries," by Townsend, is an excellent book on the subject, btw.

I have thought endlessly about his. I definitely need some help doing this the right way. I can't come across as demanding or controlling so fining the right words and attitude has been difficult. When I rehearse what I might do or say in my head it sounds controlling so I have not done anything yet. I am hungry to learn anything I can so I will get the boundaries book with hopes of some guidance.

Tell us more about what YOU feel your prior marital faults were (not what your wife, in her current state, says as people in affairs will often "re-write marital history" . . . I'm talking about you, in your heart-of-hearts, know to be true plus your wife's PRIOR complaints, before she got caught up in the affair). The things that "sting" because you know them to be true.

I am embarrassed and ashamed to admit that in the current light it is hard to disagree with most of what my wife feels right now but I do remember the way I thought before all of this.
Prior to my "awakening" I saw our marriage as "not good".
We had a horrible sex life that frustrated me. She was / is a slob and the chaos of the house being in such disorder was very frustrating. My biggest gripe was her lack of support for my desire to quite my "real" job and focus on the business I started about three years ago.
This business has grown over the past few years and is equal to a full second job. I WORK A LOT! All of the work and stress and dissatisfaction with my real job left me VERY grouchy, unhappy and mean. For about two years I have really been unpleasant to be around most of the time. My perspective was that I needed to get the business to a point that she was satisfied with so that I could quite my real job.
I naively believed that everything would be ok when this day would come. I would all of a sudden be nice. I would have time to spend with my wife and my daughter. I would start to exercise and everything would be great. All the while I was taking and taking and depleting my wife's "love bank" until there was nothing left.
Now that I have been able to take several steps back I realize that all that negativity has really changed me. I used to be fun. Really fun! I remember laughing and being silly with my wife. We were the same like that and we were really best friends. Now it is hard to shake off all the bitterness and stress and it is really had to be silly like I used to be. I'm so serious now and I hate it.
This much more than stings! I truly can not believe I lost that guy so completely. No wounder my wife is so angry. It would ease the pain if I could somehow put more of the blame on my wife for the damage prior to the affair but in all of my soul searching so far I can not.
My has "re-write marital history" but only to a degree. Now she is very focused on all of the bad and she devalues any of the good. My DB Coach explained that this is natural while she tries to alleviate her guilt and rationalize her affair.
I was trying to hard to remind her of the good times but I realized two weeks ago when reading "the rules" that this was the wrong thing to do.

I really appreciate all your time and support. I'm sure it would be much easier to be help someone who was more of a victim and not someone who could so easily be blamed for my mess.
Starsky [/quote]