When amicable makes you want to scream

[Underdog]

Muse,

Yikes... I am in between tasks at work and decided to drop in to offer some support. Sorry that others haven't been here first. Typically, this place gets lots of traffic.

Since you have already separated, you might find Divorce Remedy more targeted with specific game plans. You didn't get here overnight and it's not going to be resolved overnight either. You've got a pretty unhealthy dynamic and since you're the one who is here, the onus is going to be on YOU to do the changing.

A few things catch my eye:

Money has always been a sore point, he spends it and then resents me for using what little we have to get the bills paid. I think it has become a control issue with him determined to spend and me determined to not spend....and the fight is on.

Sounds like you two have brought some childhood baggage and fears into your M and you're at an impasse. What's the psychology of his feelings about money? And what is your background?

Are you a control freak? Do you have to have the last word? Are you sarcastic? Are you critical? A perfectionist? What are his chief complaints about you that you have not addressed?

I know there have got to be some. My XH was like yours in a way that pretty much nobody else here seems to react: he also withheld sex from me. I guess it's kind of unusual but at the worst point in our R, he told our MC that he just couldn't have sex with someone he despised.

That being said, I'm willing to bet that in his mind you've accumulated a list of unpleasant character flaws that he feels are deal breakers. Can you share?

This calm (even if some days it's only a facade) is perplexing him, I know. He keeps expecting me to call him repeatedly, to start a fight, to melt down, and I don't know what steps to take next.

This is what MWD calls a 180. If it has been your nature to engage with him this way, then stop it altogether. If you don't know what to do or say, then do or say nothing.

He's undoubtedly moved out because he doesn't feel hopeful that things are going to change or that you are going to change. If he can count on you to dance the same dance with him, it's going to be more of the same. Change it up.

On Page 128 DB talks about, "Notice what is different about the times you are getting along." I had to dig far and deep. I couldn't pinpoint a single thing.

I know you can do this. You haven't been getting along for awhile. Do you talk at all?

If you have to go to the distant past for clues, when he felt happy with you, what were you doing or not doing that made him feel close and connected with you?

Your money differences are the elephant in the living room. But I'd bet my mortgage that they are the smoke screen for a lot of other struggles between the two of you.

If I don't contact him, I seem to get a text asking how my day was, or he seems to need to stop by for something.

Then use these opportunities to see what kind of response you get to attempts at conversation. Are you congenial or do you act petulant and whiny?

What are you actively doing to stop the scorekeeping and work on the resentment?

Do you have a faith community or support network? Counselors?

Now some rules to live by while you figure stuff out:

1. Don't lose your temper.
2. Set some communication goals
3. Make sure you work on personal goals and things that make you happy.

I've got to run, but will be back.

Good luck,

Betsey