FY, you are really on to a concept here that makes sense. Not that it would help anyone put an end to limbo any earlier, but helps us have understanding and compassion for our wayward spouse.
Agreed, but for me, it does offer more hope that they will in fact work through it eventually, instead of being "stuck" forever. It's like they realize what the problem is and are working on it. Some never even figure out the problem.
I never mentioned my H's low self confidence too much here. The other symptoms of MLC were overpowering to deal with and that was his problem, not mine.
But it makes me think...if they are telling us they never got to live all these years...maybe it's true! But not b/c of us! It's b/c of their own fears of living life to the fullest. We just happened to be alongside of them, enabling them along the way without meaning to? They were attracted to a stronger, more confident person (us) and now they want that for themselves, finally.
I know in our case the enabling part is true. It became easy for me to do less with friends and hang with her all the time. Like I said, stagnation. I was ok with it because I had hobbies and sports and such... her not so much. I remember her telling me once, years before BD, "You have things you're passionate about, I have nothing!
So, GAL is important for both of us. Bring some outside freshness into the M... even though right now, it seems she couldn't care less about my activities. It's all about her. That's ok for now.
It would make sense in my sitch with my H's dependence on alcohol. It makes him feel less shy and more confident. And yes, haha! I think the girls have given him a taste of what is "out there". They are mostly messed up and broken too.
W sometimes mentions how messed up everyone in her group is. Maybe a "the grass isn't greener" reality check? Even so, I know she feels some are living "the wonderful happiness life" she wants.
In answer to your question, H is much more confident now. He even describes himself that way. I see it but I think he still falters in the presence of other confident, successful men. He still doesn't feel he is equal to that, but I see him growing in that area. I think he doesn't "need" people around that are messed up any more to feel confident, but he still isn't high on the scale. I would say he has risen to 5 out of 10 on a scale. Not sure.
W NEVER thought she measured up to others, Not since grade school. I've spent my life trying to build her up, with little success. Seems they have to do it on their own. Of course this doesn't mean they have to end a good M to do so.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
