OK. I think it's great that you got that out there.

Let me remind you gently that even though you are afraid to do it...you ARE actually doing it. Does that make sense? So...right now...every day...you are doing something that makes you afraid. In some ways...that is GOOD, hon. NOT that you're afraid (of course) but that you are doing it despite the fear. (I've always thought of you as one brave cookie!)

No idea why you would think I'm brave! I am probably the most afraid person you would ever meet!

So...a fear of living sounds pretty all encompassing....and I suspect not totally accurate (hope that doesn't sound invalidating!).
You are right it isn't accurate because what I'm doing right now doesn't scare me. Although I guess in the beginning it did some. No, you don't sound invalidating at all!!

Can you distill it down further? THIS is a beautiful place for a stream of consciousness journalling exercise...
You know I have still never tried this after all the times you have suggested the stream of consciousness.

What EXACTLY are you afraid of, Pam?

Of being alone, not that I am afraid living in the house by myself now, but I don't know all I need to know about taking care of a house if I had one.

But mostly of never having anyone to laugh with, to share with, to love again.

Financial insecurity is a big one. If my car goes down no way can I afford another one, and if I could just dealing with trying to find one and all that mess scares me.

Being able to afford to keep the kids health cared for, right now that is slipping some. I got B in for her bloodwork but no one else has been in for check up or shots or bloodwork in forever.

No health insurance

Even taking care of my car. Right now I know it has something wrong with it. It is making a noise and I'm afraid to take off in it on a trip. See I told you I am afraid of everything.

I am afraid of meeting people but I usually do fairly well with it. I think several of the regular Sunday morning clerks and people where I grocery shop recognize me now as I usually smile and speak.

No safety net of someone else working if something happens with this job.

Being lonely, sometimes I wish I had someone to do something with, not often, I am becoming a pretty good hermit.

I could probably keep going here.


Pam

"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned
so as to have the life that is waiting for us"