And in fairness to your w, you were an admitted jerk of a h. Short of physical abuse, you sound very difficult and you admit to being uber controlling. I can tell.
The level of snooping and confronting you do, in the middle of the night b/c you cannot control yourself, is more of the same.
A man in charge of HIS emotions, is attractive.
MWD recommends a "180." He nees to search his heart of hearts, and think about his wife's earlier-in-the-marriage (before her affair) marital complaints, and think about what kind of negative traits he was displaying. I usually only recommend the "strong stance" thing when I see that someone was a classic "Mr. Nice Guy"/pleaser, like I was. If he was GENUINELY a controlling jerk (and that's not just his wife's affair hormones, re-writing their marital history to justify her affair), then he should work hard on learning -- and displaying -- a nicer, calmer, more pleasing personality towards her (while still not condoning her affair).
b/c you cannot control yourself, is more of the same. 