How to DR if she will not leave the OM?

[sw-1234]

Well, I would start by pretty much NOT doing what you've been doing so far, I'm sorry to say. Your passive-aggressive approach (spying, confronting, and yet still pursuing her and even having sex with her) is NOT a good way to DB.

[/color]I found this site just short of two weeks ago. One of the first posts I found was from 25yearsmlc who had posted "The Rules". I immediately removed the spyware from her phone and told her that I had. I have promised not to spy or snoop anymore but this is truly one of the hardest rules to follow for me.

For starters, I hope to God you are using protection if you are still having sex with her? You are risking your own health here, and I hope you are being smart about this.

Even if you are (using protection), you are still saying with your actions "I am OK with this; I am willing to live in an open marriage." Your wife continues to carry on her affair for the same reason dogs lick themselves (sorry to be so blunt, but I'm trying to get your attention here).

[color:#FF0000]I agree! But... When she starts to act "normal" and we reconnect all the anger melts away. I feel close to her and at the same time do not want to push her away. And... Lack of sex has been one of my complaints in the marriage ever since my daughter was born. Now all of a sudden I'm getting more sex than I have since we were newlyweds. This does not mean that I disagree with your advise, I just want to be sure I go about this the right way and if I tell her we are not going to have sex anymore I want it to somehow be positive, not me coming across as controlling or more of a jerk.

A woman caught up in affair is basically waffling back and forth between three options:

1. Leave my husband, and go be with my affair partner.

2. End my affair, and go back and work on my marriage with my husband.

3. Continue my affair, expressing occasional remorse and false promises to end it, keeping my husband as "Plan B."

What you need to do is take Choice #3 off the table.

[/color]I do agree but I am very unsure how to go about this constructively. I think I have found positive results from the DB Rules that I have started and do not want to take steps backwards by being demanding, or controlling. At the same time most of what I have learned including what my DB Coach explained is that this is a slow process and she will not be willing to make any immediate changes to save the marriage anytime soon. I'm trying to get the best DB advise I can in regard to my situation.

Your story struck me because it was almost exactly six years ago to the date that I learned of MY wife's affair (I found out about it on May 27th). I'm happy to report that we DID reconcile our marriage, and have since enjoyed our 25th wedding anniversary, our 50th birthdays, and the birth of our granddaughter, and today our marriage is very strong.

[color:#FF0000]Congratulations! It is success stories like yours that keeps me going.

You still have a shot here, but you've got to stop leading with your EMOTIONS, and instead come up with a PLAN. You are smothering her with your pursuit and snooping and confronting, and then supplicating her by having sex with her. You're all over the map (most of us are when in our sitch).

[color:#FF0000][/color]So True! I am all over the map for sure. One minute I want to end it because the pain is too much, the next I find inspiration to keep trying. I totally realize that I need to be consistent but it is much easier said than done.
I hope to post a few more details of where we are and what I am doing and look forward to hearing your continued advise.


Starsky [/quote]