BC39.....The fight for my marriage continues

[BC39]

Thanks LTH, as Accuray said your perspective is very much appreciated.

Random scattered thoughts:

Most of my confusion is based around what approach I should be taking. Most of the many other threads I've read on this board seem to revolve around having patience in this circumstance, not detaching.

I understand that some of the things W said 2 weeks ago we're alarming. "didn't think she was afraid to lose me", "didn't feel like working on the M". But she said she's confused.

She only started to pull back 2 1/2 months ago. Before that everything was going well. There were many mornings I woke up and thought to myself "we've made it to the other side".

W wrote me this letter just 6 months previous to pulling back.

I’ve been trying to find a deeper, and maybe a more meaningful way to tell you I’m sorry. But I know it’s an endless search. There’s only one way, and it’s in my actions. This is why I’m writing you this letter. I’ve crumbled our wall of trust, now for a second time. I realize that we’re starting all over again, brick by brick to rebuild it. I know it won’t be easy, but I promise I will put 100% into it. I’m so sorry for making you hurt and feel the way you are. I’ve been completely selfish, and for some reason I felt entitled to it. I blame myself, and regret not trying as hard as you have been. I’m not sure how I thought we could get better, if I wasn’t committing myself entirely to the process. I never want you to feel silly, ashamed, embarrassed, disappointed, or broken-hearted. And yet, I’ve managed to do so twice.
I know that you will be sensitive to everything I do, and that time is needed. If I want this to work, I need to promise you I’ll be patient. (BC39) I promise I’ll be patient and understanding. I struggle with my fears, but I know I have to put them aside if I want the mortar to stick in our wall. I will be accountable to you.
I want for you to tell me what you need. I will allow you to be vulnerable with me, and I with you. I promise to reassure you time and time again that I am in this. I will do whatever it takes.
I Love You

What she told me during our convo 2 weeks ago obviously contradict this.

Since that convo she seems to be making more of an effort.

I'm getting hugs and kisses with a couple unprompted "I love you" 's when saying goodbye. We still get along great, spend a lot of time together going out and having fun. We laugh a lot. We're still best friends as we always have been. (That why I almost don't believe she doesn't fear losing me)

All of her issues are based around her perception of attraction/connection/intimacy. Can you give me some specifics on how you think detaching would help that? I understand that space may help her miss me, but as Bond said " Fear of losing the LBS may open the door but it's not enough to sustain the relationship in the long run".

I haven't swept anything under the rug. If she does anything that bothers me I tell her. And she has actually done the same, which is good for her.

Our normal routine when I can tell something is bothering her is me asking "is something wrong" to which she usually replies with some form of "no", even know its obvious there is. So I usually ask her another couple times over the span of a day or two before she actually tells me. Its kind of her MO to get frazzled and runaway when she upset. She seems to be doing better with that.

I believe the talk we had a couple weeks ago really helped.

She seems to be sharing more with me. She's even made a couple comments that would lead me to believe she was actually looking internally.

I believe it made her feel safe talking to me and relieved some of the pressure.

On another note our work situation has been a major added stessor in our sitch. (We've co-owned a business together with my parents since we we're married 11 years ago) We've been trying to figure out how to transition her out while still being okay financially.

I've been working on a plan the past week, that will allow her to leave and we'll still be okay financially. It will allow her to focus solely on her new business she started. All our income will be coming from me.

I told W yesterday that I finalized the plan with my parents and she will be able to leave within a few months.

She's quite relieved. We'll see if our helps our sitch any.

Anyway, I believe W is going through some sort of mid-life or quarter-life crisis.

As Bond said, things won't change until she starts looking internally.

Is that not going to require patience rather than detaching?