Suckerpunch, moving ahead one way or another!

[MrCAS]

Yes, you really do know when it is time... hits you like a well placed cranium crashing blow with a tire tool...

Hang tough, brother.

[25yearsmlc]

My family has provided Wife with a roof over her head and all of her utilities paid for. This has been going on for roughly 8 or 9 months.

Please Stop saying this. You have to pay something to your wife. She has nowhere else to go and thankfully, she can stay where she is without you having to pay her much.

Frankly, you said you used to be very material but you have changed...really? B/C you throw this property and monetary statement out EVERY time you mention your wife's presence in your life and YOUR Property, as if she mooched off of you for the past several years.

It's very disrespectful. She's not the only one revising the marriage.

So you wanted to bully or frighten her OM away and it failed...and turns out she has a legal argument. Seems to me she thought things out and raised some good points.

SP did you consider and reflect on ANY of what she said, or did you let your anger read the message for you?


Now, she has the audacity to demand that OM be allowed to come here, even to the point of verifying it with the police?

I saw no "demand". I saw her giving you a "heads up". which she did not have to do, and checking if she had any legal rights, which she does. STOP PUTTING THE WORST SPIN ON HER ACTIONS.
It truly does not serve you well.



It seems like she is forcing this selfish act with no regard to my feelings or my families. Is she out of her mind?

MOre negative projecting onto her and mind reading...counter productive

I am really contemplating moving her belongings off of our property and out of the apartment while she is gone. She will be away for 5 days on vacation with daughter and OM. She spends 95% of her time at his house, sleeping there almost every single night, and definitely spending the majority of her time with him. Perhaps it's time to completely set her free and move this thing forward....thoughts?

No comment

[25yearsmlc]

I guess I am the only one not in agreement on this. While I can understand that it is time for your wife to move on and get a place of her own, which will most likely be living with OM, I don't see kicking her out as a punishment for behavior.

I also think that you should be the bigger man. You are talking about being the man that you want to be, growing, dealing with anger, etc. The reality is, your wife is dating someone else and she is serious about him, or appears to be. You can take the stand, "not on my property" (yes, it is unbelievable she is this insensitive but do you expect anything else from her at this point?) or you can deal with it. If she is dating him, everyone knows, your daughter is around him, why does it matter where this happens?

You talk about not wanting to hurt your D any more. Well, guess what? Having this much animosity in your R with her mom does hurt her. At some point you are going to have to accept that there is an OM in her life whether you like it or not and you are going to have to decide what behavior you want your D to see when you deal with this.

What has always stuck with me was being in my best friends wedding and she did not invite her father because their had always been so much anger between her parents. What a sad choice to have to make because 2 adults couldn't handle an issue the right way. With my d and my ex, I have always chosen to do what is best for my D, not what makes me feel better. Does it affect your D if OM is on your property? No, but it does affect her that M and D cannot get along and can't even be in the same room together. How is this action going to affect that situation? It is going to make it even worse and be that much longer before your D can see healthy co-parenting.

I am not saying your W is right, and I cannot imagine doing this. I am just saying someone has to be the one who considers the long-term affects of your co-parenting R on your D. The sooner you accept OM and learn to get along with BOTH OF THEM, because yes, your D is watching, the better.

What a great post.

Just see a lawyer (stop being cheap, asking deputies who gets what. They know arrest law, not landlord tenant) and they do not know how a judge would rule in this. PLUS if you are a jerk to OM or make a scene, it will NOT play well in family court.

You should not be directly involved in this event at all, if you insist on having OM gone. You have staff and other family there.

Yes I agree with Love, that your w needs to move on but you have stubbornly refused to concede a single financial point about the settlement, right? What is your most recent "offer"? Nothing, still? She goes to living on the streets and that would show her!!

Except ooops, she has OM. She can live with him and you will not be able to blame her for that.

You continue to believe her $28k direct contribution and being a sahm mom, caring for your d and being your wife were worthless, right? She "never worked", right?

So to YOU, She should get nothing and be grateful for being allowed to live near the home SHE had lived in for years with you as a wife and partner but was forced to leave bc of a weird family business YOU are in.

What a horrible plan for her b/c in your eyes, if you two lived there for 24 more years and she personally put an addition on it, and or paid for it, you'd STILL say it was NONE of hers, right? It would still be YOUR family's, right? That's NOT fair to me. But that is what you are saying to her about all of her past contributions and time.

My guess is she has every incentive to stay and no incentive to leave, given your offer of....nothing.

Look, we know it hurts that She left you. But for the 343th time, That has nothing to do with the property settlement,

yet for all these months you keep connecting the two.

You still don't get it. You need to get it.

You need to do anger management and get back on the ADs and probably some anti anxiety meds. You sound primed for murder and it's unhealthy as hell for your d.

I am NOT defending your wife's choice to bring OM to the campground.

I am reminding you of how you repeatedly engage in behaviors that harm you and do not help your d or your situation.

And you spend way too much time negatively spinning on her.

Someone asked you what you have done to GAL, and you said you have "tried everything".

That's absolutely false.

What class are you taking? What NEW hobby do you have?
What organization or club did you join?
What new volunteer activities or campaigns are you working on?
What church group did you recently join?
What team did you join or coach?

What community theater did you volunteer to work with or audition for?
What NEW physical activity did you take up, that involved OTHER People?

What new friends have you made?


You have seen my GAL list of things I did in the interior of Alaska, including the winter...

you have done very little GAL and your comfort zone is narrowed to the friends you already have, while you judge all the new singles you meet.
Try NOT meeting single people in a bar or wherever you have looked.

Go to church. Take your d. You'll be noticed if you dress well and look clean cut.

JOIN something new and different.

SIGH

I won't repeat the rest b/c I have said this to you at least three times in separate long posts.

You will detach much faster, when you GAL. The two events are related.

[swoop]

25, I respect your input GREATLY. I cannot express how much I have missed your insight, but what I am about to say is how I feel. I am not sure, but perhaps you have not been following my posts very closely. You seem to be far off base.

First, my family HAS been putting a roof over her head and paying her bills. She chose to walk out the door and abandon our home. It was HER choice to leave. By no means did my Mother or anyone else hold a burden of responsibility to support her. She is a grown woman and made her own decision to leave. She has been given a gift of good grace! If you think otherwise, that is your perspective, not mine.

I never tried to bully or frighten OM away. Your claim is absolutely false. Also, she DOES NOT have a legal right to bring him to my property. Again, you are wrong, and wife is wrong. I have every right not to allow him here. But, I want to be clear. I have never spoke ONE word to OM, never even met him. I haven't mentioned a WORD about him to wife either. No threats were made and no words were discussed. I simply said that he would not be allowed on my property. I set a boundary. And, you are wrong again, because she DID follow up by forcing the issue and stating that she had every intention of bringing him here against my wishes.

I never said I am no longer "material". I am and always have been. That hasn't changed. Wife was the one that said material things were not important to her. Now, she wants 40k, child support, half of my retirement, 1000 dollars every summer, medical and dental coverage for D and half of our belongings. If she doesn't get that, she wants to fight me for a portion of a business that has been in my family longer than she has been alive.

I am not loaded for bear or out of my mind. I don't need anger management. I am not depressed, and I don't need ADs. I do however need good advice, and that is why I came here. I am in control of my emotions. I came here to seek suggestions on how to handle this. Of course I am upset. Who wouldn't be upset? This situation is Bull Sh!t. But, I am not acting out of anger. I am acting out of, "I have had enough, and this needs to stop". In regards to the settlement, I have had two real estate agents come in and give me an assessment of the value of the home. It is worth what is owed, plain and simple. There is very little, if in fact NO equity. Why do you feel wife is entitled to the 28k she paid into it? That is asinine. We are splitting ASSETS, not past payment records! I have spent a lot of money in the past too! unfortunately, I don't get it all back because I am getting divorced. Wife does deserve something in the form of a settlement, but it needs to be realistic and based upon OUR relationship, not the property or assets of others. We own some furniture, a couple cars and at one point a home. FYI, a payment has not been made on the house in roughly a year. In the "real world", the house would have already been foreclosed on and we would owe the bank for the remaining balance.

I have offered wife half of our belongings, half of my retirement, state appointed child support and all of the money I have in the bank. The house is worth what is owed, therefore there is no real value if it were to be sold and split evenly. What more can I offer?

I just don't get why you feel that I am so horrible? The decision to put an end to my family unit was not mine. The choice for wife to walk away was not mine. None of these choices were mine, but you make it seem like I am carrying the burden of the blame. Why do I deserve to take a hard financial hit, and gain absolutely nothing so that wife can be "taken care of"? It was her decision to no longer have me care for her! Why do I have to bury myself in a mountain of debt that I cannot afford, so that she can better her life? What about MY life, 25?

[labug]

she DOES NOT have a legal right to bring him to my property.

Did you talk to a L already?

And, you are wrong again, because she DID follow up by forcing the issue and stating that she had every intention of bringing him here against my wishes.

She said that, she hasn't done it yet. Maybe like you she says things in the heat of anger.

I have had two real estate agents come in and give me an assessment of the value of the home

I don't know about your state, but RE agents aren't appraisers in my state and can give you a ball park figure. I had a couple of RE agents (friends) tell me what they thought my house was worth before I had it appraised and they were both low. They both were very clear that they weren't appraisers so there's figures were just guesstimates.

I am really contemplating moving her belongings off of our property and out of the apartment while she is gone. She will be away for 5 days on vacation with daughter and OM. She spends 95% of her time at his house, sleeping there almost every single night, and definitely spending the majority of her time with him. Perhaps it's time to completely set her free and move this thing forward....thoughts?

I missed this in your previous post. You do realize this can't happen, right?

And you say you aren't angry? People who aren't angry don't do things like that.

We talked a while back about your emotions and how you skate on the surface of them. You disagreed, denied you needed any kind of counseling. This above is what I'm talking about, you have the actions and the thinking of a very angry person but you deny you're angry. That's a problem.

I'm not saying some anger in your situation would be wrong but acknowledging it is the first step in making reasonable, adult choices.

About putting an end to the family unit, you've said before you realize you and W were equal partners in the fall of your marriage, but when you get angry at something she's done, it's all her fault and she should be penalized. Should you be penalized or should you say W, we both fell short and disappointed our D and ourselves. Let's cut our losses and make this as even a split as possible.

As far as what your W gets for being in the business relationship that marriage is, if you 2 can't comes to terms let the courts decide it. It is what it is.

I would like for you to get through this with the least animosity possible. Your D needs that from her parents. You feel bad about her having to go through this, then make it your solemn vow right now to proceed in a way that is in her best interests. You can take the high road.

[newman7977]

I agree she needs to go. I just don't think getting the police involved and serving her an eviction notice with 3 days, or 2 weeks,, to get out is the way to do it. It should be a conversation along the lines of "W, I understand you feel you should be able to have anyone you wish in your own home. I agree and that is why I think it is time you find your own home and you need to do so in the next 60 days" etc..

^^^^ SP, I think LTH hit it nicely here. IMO, getting your W evicted is extreme, moving her belongings etc. You can stand by your boundary without evicting your W. You had a good plan of finding out your rights in your property--did you follow through? I do think you have grounds removing OM off your property--well not you but law enforcement if it comes to that. I sense your anger and I understand, so avoid face to face with OM probably not a good idea.

Good luck

Newman

[MrCAS]

And there you go, SP... trying to prove how "right" you are once again.

I have revised my thinking on this OM / party thing. He got invited by other guests. He asked your W to go with him. So here is a thought... Why don't you just tell the other guests that their business is not welcome because they invited OM? Tell them that their choice of guests is unacceptable to you and you forbid them to have any association with them on YOUR property.

What? You aren't going to do that? Why not? It is YOUR property! YOURS! YOURS!

Oh wait. It isn't yours. It really belongs to your mom. But it is YOURS when it is convenient and someone elses when it is more convenient.


You know what? I own a house... with the bank... and my STBXW! I live here alone with my dog and a cat. Did you know that, even though she abandoned the home and saddled me with the payments, that I can not change the locks? That she is legally allowed to have unfettered access to the house? Yup. Bummer, huh?

It is just stuff. It is the business end of divorce. Who cares if you think it is fair or not? You have too much emotion tied up into "stuff". The court can decide.

Want to know what my attorney fees are right now? Zero. Why? Because I was able to separate emotions from property. Because, regardless of my feelings, she was going to get half. Then again, so am I.

Distance yourself, buddy.

[swoop]

La, I did talk to my lawyer. I have all rights as the business owner to refuse him. However, there is a gray area regarding my wifes actual accommodations. I have to grant her and her guests an ingress/egress into her space. So, technically, she could have him come to the apartment. However, he would not be allowed to step foot onto the rest of the property without my permission.

She did say that she was bringing him. Perhaps you are right and she speaks before she acts, JUST like I do. I have not done ANYTHING yet, either. I have just stomped my feet and weighed my options.

I understand that the RE can only give me a rough estimate of the value. However, I understand that it is going to be really close to an appraised value. I know in my mind that the RE agents are not 80,000 dollars off on their estimates. This is the amount of equity that wife feels is there. It is not. Granted, we would need an accurate appraisal to tell us the exact figures. Regardless, there simply is not the amount there that wife believes there to be. I was simply using the RE agents market value to show wife a closer reality.

I realize now, that I cannot move wifes belongings out of the space, nor just kick her out. I said that in anger. I did not ACT ON IT in anger. I now know that I was in the wrong.

[swoop]

Newman, evicting wife is very extreme. However, what other consequences would I have to keep her from continuing to hurt me? I don't want to see this OM spending time here. I don't wish to watch W and OM enjoying a picnic in my backyard. I just don't want to incur that hurt. It's hard on me. I don't understand why this boundary seems so out of line. I am simply trying to protect myself from hurt and my family from the disrespect.

I have had the conversation with wife about finding a new place to live, several times actually. She has more or less told me to pound sand and pay her settlement. She has stated numerous times that she has no intentions of moving out until the divorce is finalized. I am assuming that is advice from her attorney????

[swoop]

Cas, My ranting and raving about kicking her out and moving her stuff was based on hurt and anger. Nobody can teach you how to keep those feelings from coming. All that can be done is to learn how to process them in a healthy manner. I realized quickly that it was wrong to think I needed to act so harshly. I controlled it, my actions that is. That doesn't mean the thoughts don't cross my mind. Of course they do.

Cas, let me ask you this. You live alone in your house. Your wife has full access to it legally, you say. So, how would you feel if she decided this coming weekend to throw a party in the backyard and bring her new boyfriend and his buddies over? Now, you're going to have to be there because this is your job, as well as your home. You will pretty much HAVE to witness this taking place right in front of your eyes. Please answer me honestly, because I think you are being very hypocritical about my feelings and actions. If the roles were reversed, I think you would feel quite differently. My wife DOES have unfettered access to my house, apartment and property. She comes and goes whenever and however she wants. I simply asked her to keep her boyfriend out from under my nose. When she informed me that she was going to bring him here, I got angry....Yep, I got angry for that. It's crazy, right? I surely need help with my anger management. Why??? because I have done nothing, other than ponder my options of what to do, and vented my frustration here? I was reeling in hurt and didn't know how to properly handle it. That is why I came seeking advice in the first place. I just wanted help on making a decision about how I could set this boundary.