Me 10 months on. Dark and detaching still.

[hotwheelsaust]

Maybe you were subconsciously trying to get back to her by posting it. Like I said in the beginning, I didn't understand at all why you even decided to post it. It really made me scratch my head.

You probably are right, subconsciously maybe I was trying to get her back. My excuse is simple. I met someone I knew who works trying to improve peoples positive views in life. We chatted for quite some time, and part of the conversation was the tattoo. She suggested it would be good to put it on Facebook, rather than hiding it (as I got the tattoo two weeks earlier). I was on a positive high and I saw it as a good thing. Later I realise (now also) it probably wasn't the best choice to do. But alas, that is life, live and learn.
Even if the family and friends took it as I have had enough with the marriage, these are the same people who for the last 10 months have been telling me it's over and I need to listen to the W.
The W is who I need to focus on, she knows what the statement means,simple as that.

[TryingToDo180]

Looks like you were given wrong advice, through no fault of your own. Don't blame yourself and don't beat yourself up about it anymore. I know it's easier said than done especially with us going on about it. If she was a professional then she should have thought about it before telling you to do things like that. She sounds like it's someone you needed at the time and for most of the part it worked
I go and see a life coach. It's someone who goes to our church and she's given me free coaching sessions She fits in well with my IC because they are singing from the same hymn sheet as it were. Thank goodness I've got an appointment today, I need some positive injection

[hotwheelsaust]

Nope, no blaming myself anymore and not beating myself up about it anymore.
The reality is, do I think it has affected my chances in the sitch at all. Nope. Has it really made any change to the W's view or attitude. Nope.
If anything the defriending and lack of communication by family members and friends over this has made me detach a lot better that I have over the last few months. Maybe I needed to get rid of my detachment to the family members first, before I could detach better from the W.

On a separate thing, to show how much I have changed, will I think anyway. Got an email from the boss asking for time tomorrow to talk about personal issues. Normally I would be stressed out: what have I said to people, who has heard something, what have I messed up.
Today, I simply don't have the stress, worry or care about it. I will see him tomorrow, listen to what he has to say and answer back calmly and without emotion.
More than likely it is a check up to see how I am doing, as he knows the history of the sitch.

[TryingToDo180]

That's the spirit Keep up the PMA, you're doing so well Better than me in fact who thinks I blown it again, lol.

[hotwheelsaust]

TTD180, while we all might make mistakes or blow it, we also need to remember: we are at least trying. That's more than can be said for our S's.

[TryingToDo180]

Thanks for the encouragement HWA I've been feeling a bit low these last few days. I'm off to see my life coach today, so I hope to pick myself up afterwards. We're working on a letter to send to my parents today to tell them the news as I've been putting this off for far too long! I'm sure there'll be a bible quote in there somewhere about judging people

[hotwheelsaust]

Ok this is going to be a little bit long, but I need to work out what and how to procede. I have just came back from a meeting with my boss the principal. I haven't done anything wrong, but he brought up quite a lot of issues that has him worried:
* Firstly that I have lost a lot of weight and look downbeat.
* That I am not listening to other teachers when they talk to me. This is presumably when they say "get over it" or "move on" rather than on a professional level.
* They worry that I may cause harm to myself.
* They worry when I had 3 alcoholic drinks at dinner last week, when I don't normally drink.
* The boss worries about my behaviour if and when the transfer doesn't come in. He doesn't seem positive about the transfer either.
* Also the W has contacted her principal about the tattoo picture and she (W) is worried about my behaviour, thinking that I am out of control.
* The boss even went to the point to say he checked up on who to visit, if and when I feel I need to worry about myself (ie: depressed or suicidial)

What scares me about all this, including the W's view, is I have tried very hard to be positive at work. To try and improve myself, and after 10 months I am still (in others view) coming across as someone who is very depressed, showing a less than positive outlook and who seems to be on the brink of disater.

Even scarier is that the W feels this way about me. But isn't prepared to talk to me.

Heck, I don't know what to think now. In the 10 months have I done everything wrong? Have I displayed a bad personality to everyone? Do I just simply come across as a bitter and depressed LBS? Is the lack of talking to the W, causing this as well? What have I done to make the W think I am in trouble or out of control in life?

I do know that no fellow teacher or my W have said these things to be nasty, it just makes me wonder that, if I feel an improvement in myself, but it doesn't come across that way. Then what the heck can I do to be better?

How can I hope for any R with the W, if she is thinking of me as someone loony ready to do damage to myself?

I am simply lost for words and actions. I don't know which way to turn. Do I talk to the W and work out some things to make her view differently. Do I stop talking/doing things with staff members so that nothing bad gets said?

It simply feels that I am coming across as the bad person in this separation? That the W is justified doing based on what people view me as being/doing.

[Mimi00]

Do I talk to the W and work out some things to make her view differently. Do I stop talking/doing things with staff members so that nothing bad gets said?

Do not try to verbally convince your W. Your actions need to do the talking instead. Step back and look from their point of view at some of your behaviors ( of course you have not done everything wrong, but the negatives are going to be what people remember most unfortunately). If you rarely drink, why did you choose to have 3 that particular night?

Again with your staff, I would also let actions speak. The coversation was between you and the princapal and what was said should remain there. Step back and see if any of their concerns were valid, if so make whatever new changes you need to make, of couese that is only if you want to. Dont stop speaking to them as they will probably think of that negatively/as if somethig is wrong, just make sure your conversations and interactions with them are positive.

[GALbaby]

OMG HWA!! Three drinks!!! that's really worth talking about! I know you're in a small town but WT?? I guess if you look at the positives, these people genuinely care about you and hope you are doing OK. I actually find what you're W said to the principal is over the top?? But on the other hand, she knows your past and that you did suffer from D. I'm astonished that you have worked so hard on yourself and all that's coming out of these mouths is negativity...and that's enough negativity from me.

Keep looking after yourself, keep up your PMA particularly in front of these colleagues and look at it for what it is..they are concerned, even though they may not need to be. You are better than you have been for months. You look great, feel great, have worked on your PMA, GALing and bettering yourself. BTW..what was your answer to the principal? Did you tell him you are doing OK?

[hotwheelsaust]

Thanks Mimi30 and GALbaby. I was actually quite composed speaking with the boss. Well as much as I could with a croaky voice.
While I accept a lot of it is caring from people, some of it still peeves me off. While I at times have struggled with the sitch, I have made sure it has never been seen bad while at work. So it really baffles me.
It also baffles me the W needed to speak to her principal about getting a tattoo. How can getting a tattoo make it seem like I am out of control?
My weight loss was/is quite a big difference, but, in saying that, I am at a very acceptable weight for my age and height. Lost some muscle mass. I am keeping at this weight because I continue to exercise daily, nothing over the top. I eat 3 regular meals a day.
Drinks? I have never been a regular drinker, usually the New Year's type of drinker, and a happy drunk as well. This time I decided to have two drinks at home and order some out. Not obnoxious behaviour at all.
What really hurts, is the regular actions that I am always doing something wrong. I mentioned this a few pages back. It seems like I can never doing anything right. It feels just like this again. I get a tattoo, I am wrong. I put a picture on facebook, I am wrong. I have some drinks while out, I am wrong. I get upset my W of 23 years has left me, I am wrong. I still care about her after 10 months, I am wrong.
Some of the conversation really sounded like it was expected/thought that I was chasing/annoying/criticising the wife on social media, through friends etc. I calmly explained I haven't had contact with the W for over 4 weeks, no texts, no emails, no nothing. The photo was posted on Facebook to everyone and did not include any nasty comments with it.
Yes GALbaby, I did tell the principal I am doing ok, and that it is still a rollercoaster ride. I explained calmly again, that I have lost all my family, I worry about my boys (how or what may be said to them), I am dealing with all the payments of mortgages/insurance/registrations/phone, I have a flatmate moved in with me within 2 weeks of the W going. I am left with all the furniture to try and store or move out so the flatmate can be entitled to his share of the house. I only have a room with my mum on the holidays at her retirement village to stay at when visiting my sons. I cannot access my bike interests due to it being stored away, another separation issue. I have to deal with solicitors and splitting our assets. I told him I have no control over any of these. He then says he worries about what might happen when I find out I cannot transfer. I told him, I cannot guarantee what will happen either, but I can guarantee I am not going to do something to myself. I might quit (depending on the house issue ie no more mortgage), I might take a year off, I might just accept it. Who knows. I told him I am not worrying about that, until it happens (more of what I have learnt).
He asked about anti-depressants, and I quite comfortably told him I was on them last year until December. He asked if the doctor told me to stop, nope, I stopped myself. But the psychologist and marriage councellors both knew at the time. Even the W did.
Simply said, I am not depressed, I am upset over the sitch, and I will have good and bad days. You cannot simply end a 23 marriage without being upset. Big difference upset and depressed, I now know the difference between the two and know which one I see every so often.
Mimi, I was planning on verbally convincing the W, but offering a possibility of talking to her about her concerns. It was just an option, not something I plan to do.
One last thing, while I believe the W isn't saying/doing this to be nasty. It does seem weird to contact her principal over me getting a tattoo, but also the W did just start going to a psychologist last week??????
Nothing I can do, nothing I will do (negative wise). All this is about how I feel, how it seems I am viewed negatively always, no matter what I try to do.
I am not even depressed or angry about these issues or talk with the boss today. Just scratching my head wondering where I go with all of this.