How to DR if she will not leave the OM?

[25yearsmlc]

As Starsky knows,
I am not in favor of anything that smacks of punitive measures. IT's good to get different opinions. He and I often disagree.

But if I were in your shoes, I think the suggestions about the texts while you are around, are clearly needed. I was not aware she was doing it in front of you.

Also something more constructive than meek MC has to be done.
Many mc's are more like divorce counselors b/c they are not solution based like Div Busting is. They focus on the past and rehash the pain of it. That usually fuels the partner who wants out, to leave. But you can find a solution based MC if you ask. Check to see if they have read or adopted any DB principles.

And in fairness to your w, you were an admitted jerk of a h. Short of physical abuse, you sound very difficult and you admit to being uber controlling. I can tell.

The level of snooping and confronting you do, in the middle of the night b/c you cannot control yourself, is more of the same.

A man in charge of HIS emotions, is attractive. A man who does NOT try to control others, (or wake them up again b/c he's freaking out again) b/c he is confident in his choices, is attractive.

If you want to show her that you can change, CHANGE.

I highly recommend you attend Retrovaille. It's a marriage retreat for marriages in trouble. PLEASE look it up. IT did wonders for my m and many others. Of the 25 troubled couples in our retreat, 21 or 22 are still together.

That is amazing since 8 of them were planning on divorcing when they attended, and most of the rest of us were considering it.

There are two reasons I see hope in your situation.

First, you SOUND willing to work on YOU, and capable of forgiving her in time, b/c you know you played a huge role in her choices. Begin that work.

Second, she is NOT telling YOU that "OM is the real love of her life" AND OR that she wants out of the marriage...yet.

So you have time. Use that GIFT WELL.

Be a man only a fool would leave.


PS if you have the funds, hire a DB coach. I had one who was a Godsend. I think I ended up having about 15 sessions. It was cheaper than divorce.

Yes I tolerated more than I ever expected to, for longer, and I made some major changes in ME and how I react and see things...

but it worked. I am a better person for it, a better mother and a better wife.