Me- LBS or WAS?

[littleGTO]

Okay, I was overwhelmed w happenings of yesterday to post, but I am ready now:

So, H comes home from trip with 2 of our boys & we talk (my initiation, but he wanted to talk too).

I said I wanted to respond to his idea about considering the idea of him possibly moving back in in a couple of months if things were going well (we weren't arguing/ OW wasn't back in picture) & for the "sake of the boys." No mention of R at all.

I got out that living together wasn't going to work for me until we had reconciled and we had spent a lot of time working on our M first...but he cut me off & said his idea was not about R, but about co-habitating...living separate lives in the same house!!!

I tried to stay calm, but I said absolutely NOT!! That would never work for me and it would confuse the boys and really is that what he would want??? (NO)

I asked him if moving forward a magic wand could be waved what would he want? He said- OW divorced and they could move forward with their R and 50/50 custody of boys.

So, while apologies a few days ago were great (really great) he is still wanting a life w OW.

Apparenting they haven't seen each other all summer and haven't had any contact for a while (2 weeks, maybe?) but WILL see each other tomorrow for the first time at work. So, it will be INTERESTING to see how the coming weeks unfold. (He promised he would keep me "posted" if anything changed.)

So, then yesterday evening we went to a 2nd meet and greet with different mediators. I sat and cried the entire 1/2 hour and H did most of the talking--asking questions.

When we left the office I immediately had a meltdown. H held me and said it would all be okay but this part was going to be awful. So, it seems he has it still in his head that this is the only way forward.

We went for a drink(as I was meeting a friend an hour later in the area, so he wanted to talk & didn't want me to sit in a bar alone upset). We talked, we flirted a little (a glass of wine put me in a different place), we cried and then he hugged me good-bye.

I know he is grieving the end (temporary??) of his R w OW, so he is in a dark place. Said he even wanted "it all to end" and would just rather "be w his mom" (who passed away last Aug). I held his hand when he said this and we both cried.

We know ultimately his mom's passing had a HUGE part in where we are...not to blame but to understand how we (partly) got here.

I don't know where I'm headed, but really just going to SIT and just continue my path onward--GALs, new friends, cute D'ed guy, and newly another cute, young guy (that was only flirting, but hey...you never know, right?).

Starting new job Monday and realllly need to change my focus to that. Plus kids all start new schools too, so new transitional time ahead. Don't need added drama now!