BC39.....The fight for my marriage continues

[lovethehub]

I'm overwhelmed and confused.

I understand everything your saying in theory but my emotions may be blocking rationale.... because all I think about at the moment is my W just said her current perception of our biggest problems are

1) all we have is surface conversation (emotional connection)

and because of that (amongst other things) there's no passion.

So instead of trying "fix" the surface convo (by having more meaningful conversations) I should be doing more of the same?

She changed her tune pretty quickly during that talk from "I hate talking about this" to "I'm so glad we're talking about this and it makes me feel better". Then we went home had S and shared some intimacy.....should I not be doing more of that for a while?

Retro is actually coming to our area next month. I'm a little apprehensive on suggesting it since W said last week she's currently in a place that she "doesn't feel like working on M at the moment" and "doesn't like talking about it" and "doesn't think MC would be currently beneficial".

Of course you are confused! One day she is telling you why things aren't working and you want to approach that and the next she "doesn't feel like working on M at the moment". You can't win in this situation because whatever you do it will be wrong to your WAW. One day she (most likely) truly wants to work on the M, or maybe she doesn't but when you act a certain way it seems like a good idea to her, then you turn around and she is headed back out the door. This is the confusion of the WAS. This is why we are suggesting you detach. If you are in, she keeps changing her mind and feels it is okay to do so. However, you can't fake detaching and being done. She will know when you are truly done and then she will decide what she wants. She might decide earlier, but it doesn't appear like she is any hurry to make a real choice or to put any effort in.

Anyway, I have no doubt retro would be helpful.

It will be helpful if she wants to work on the M.

She is the distancer, and you will find yourself locked in the pursuer/distancer dance which can go on for years. You will feel like you're getting barely enough and will feel undervalued and she will feel unfulfilled -- I hope I'm wrong, but if she's not bought in I don't see pursuing connection as the cure.

Remember, these are all just opinions based on personal situations and reading other stories. With that said, I couldn't agree more. H and I did this dance for 5 years...I was the distancer. It didn't end until he got fed up. That doesn't mean it always works out once LBS gets fed up and becomes WAS, just an example..

The biggest thing that happens when a WAS decides to come back is exactly that. They make a conscience choice. They make the choice to do whatever it takes to work on the M. Fear of losing the LBS may open the door but it's not enough to sustain the relationship in the long run.

This ^^^ has really stuck with me. It's my current sitch in a nutshell.

Any suggestions on how/if I can help her look internally?

Like Bond said, you cannot control this. Don't even try! Follow db, you can only control yourself and your actions.

I've read and watched some great stuff on passion vs comfort in LTR. Should I have my W read/watch them?

Don't ask her to read anything, she has just stated that she doesn't feel like working on the M. At some point, when she has both feet, her head and her heart in the game, you can say "I read this and I thought you might find it interesting". Until then, read for you and you only.

I've found myself flip flopping a lot lately

I wake up some mornings and decide I'm going to continue showing W affection etc

then the very next day I pull back and detach

Probably not a great approach. I'm pretty confused what to be doing these days...

You are right, this is not a great approach. Take some time to yourself to think about what is best for you and then stick with that approach. I can't remember now how long this has been going on but I do know that when my H was finally done and I read DR and backed off to give him space it worked to my benefit. I finally left the fight or flight mode I had been in for years and this is what allowed me to really see the sitch from an outside perspective. I don't know if you feel this way but if you are always either trying to smooth things over or waiting for the other shoe to drop it can be helpful to take time away. (And probably helpful in a lot of other situations, too!)

If you saw someone that was participating in a marathon, would you drive up alongside them and ask them if they wanted a ride to the finish line? Your W is on her own personal journey. The fastest way for her to reach the finish line is if you don't interfere. Give her time and space.

I love this.