NEW LIFE / NEW ME

[sandi2]

I am getting there but still somewhat confused about this blame-assigning I asked you – should I do this?

First off, do not assign blame to her, if that is what you meant. The point in what I have told you was not to guilt her, nor to punish her. You aren't playing a blame game. She will NEVER go back to you if you do that. If I gave you that impression, I apologize b/c I never intend to give out that advice.

Let me tell you what the point is. It is to stop her from eating cake and trying to have family times and you as her BFF without the MR. I have tried to direct you in what to do to make a sharp turn from the path you were on. However, don't want you to jump across and miss the entire road!(joke)

Do not go to extremes on all of this. It is so hard to get something though you men's thick skull, and about the time I think one of you are getting the picture.....then I find you guys being too harsh, or too cold, or whatever. . Seriously, I think you do very well to understand my English slang.

Let me try this again. You don't make up excuses about not attending her invitations. Lovethehub gave you excellent examples, btw, of what to say to her. You don't make up stuff by saying you don't "feel like it". But, You don't say something to intentionally make her feel guilty. You don't try to be mean or nasty in your statements to her. (Remember, you conduct yourself in a friend--ly manner.). You talk politely,if at all possible. If she complains about not having family occasions, or you not accepting invitations, or how sad the girls are, or any of that old stuff.....you give her an answer that directs the attention of the fact she chose to leave. You can say that without being hateful about it. And as LTH said, you can tell her you need to move forward.


You do not allow her to pull the "friendship card" whenever she decides she wants to share time with you. You do not act as though you are a married couple (like it is your responsibility to please her by doing what she wants). You don't let her show disrespect to you (especially in the presence of your children). You don't allow her to manipulate you. You don't buckle under her pressure or be "passive" acting, in order to get out of dealing with her. In other words, don't be a "yes dear" kind of man.

I am sure I am forgetting a lot, but I'm almost afraid to say much b/c I am worried you will go too far the opposite direction. I do believe a man has to show tough love with most WAW's b/c most WAW's are some level of rebellion. And most of them usually have another man waiting in the wings somewhere. That is "most". We have a famous American author that I have followed his books and programs for many years. Dr. James Dobson has written about tough love. If you can get a copy of his book, it may shed light on this subject. However, the board will not recommend it b/c they feel it doesn't line up with with everything they teach. I don't believe it is all that contrary, but it is more in how people interprets things. Many get the wrong impression when they hear those words....tough love. But so do people get the wrong idea about DB and think it is some kind of kiss-a$$ type of advice.

So, I hope you will read LTH's post again, b/c she really had great suggestions.

Btw, you have not messed up! I am so glad you wrote what you did today, before you did mess up and speak harshly to her. You don't have to be a sissy-acting boy with her, but neither be a bugger-bear.