NEW LIFE / NEW ME

[Fartiltre]

I am still working me and my new path and would really like some opinions on this. I know you can’t judge my boundaries and values since those are mine, but you can judge and add to the rules. (Defining boundaries and values have been extremely difficult to me – I thought I was quite clear on those but putting them on paper is tough…I would recommend that everybody try doing this.)
At the same time you can hopefully tell me if this makes any sense, if I am missing something, need to add something, got something wrong….anything!
ANY THOUGHTS?


(Nothing is prioritized or finished - properly and hopefully it never will be)

BOUNDARIES
I won’t take the blame for the decision to D in front of anybody.
I won’t be met with untruthful stories about our M and BD from anybody.
I won’t pay anything but the child support unless commanded by the law
I won’t accept W (and others) not behaving and speaking nicely to me
I won’t do anything that I believe will hurt my children – them seen as a total.


VALUES
HONESTY, TRUTHFULNESS AND CONFIDENTIALITY
I want my life lived truthful so I won’t accept people lying to me and I won’t lie to them
I will let things be untold or state that I won’t talk about certain issues rather than lie to people
People can confide with me and trust me to keep their secrets. This goes for children as well.
If I experience confidentiality broken I won’t trust in people again.

AMBITION AND DEVELOPMENT
I will be ambitious on behalf of every aspect of my own and my children’s life.
I wan’t us all to develop daily.
I want to learn and I want to change myself according to my new gained knowledge and experience.
I will to some extent look at the rest of my life as a project and apply the tools I use at work when I do project management.
I will change me for me and my children. We solely judge the present me but I will take advice and words from others into consideration when I judge myself.

HAPPINESS, JOY AND LOVE
I want happy people and close friends in my life. I want to laugh, enjoy and live a good life full. I will try to leave places or situations, that makes me unhappy and I will seek up situations that gives me the opposite feeling.
I want love in my life and I will judge the people around me. If I feel myself being indifferent towards them or the other way around I will either address this or simply get them out of my life.
I will work my financials so I can afford doing the things I want to do and life I want to live.


RULES TO FOLLOW
CHILDREN:
When I have the children at weekends I will do at least one special thing outside the house with them

I will do anything for my children as long as the hurt this afflicts on the others is not too big. I am the only one that I trust in measuring this but I will listen to advice from W and other people.

I will help the children making her a birthday present, but I won’t spend money. This is for the children and not for W.

I will show them love, caring and protection every time I see them.

WIFE:
I won’t help her finding happiness by helping her out or giving her advice - out of what I would have done for a stranger.

I won't hurt her intentionally in anyway that I can't justify as me trying to save M or do good for me or children.

I won’t share my life with her but I will share the children’s life with her by giving her information when special occasion occurs. I will initiate this.

I will be kind, pleasant and a little upbeat at all times.

I will do short breakfast on birthdays and short meet up at Christmas but only with her and Children.

I will enter her house but I won’t seat myself in her house or garden unless birthday, Christmas or if she at some point initiates R-talk.

I don’t initiate contact unless special occasion or urgent matters for kids.

I won’t offer her coffee, a seat or anything but a glass of water if she asks when she is at my house.

I won’t tell her what is going on in my life and if she asks directly I will answer shortly without any details.

I won’t initiate hugs or touching

AROUND OTHER PEOPLE
I will (if asked) tell people that she chose to leave me and that in order for me to get a hold of my life, I can’t have her in it as a friend, but that I cherish her motherhood and caring for the children.


ME:
I will keep the focus on me and the children and leave W being her.
I will GAL my a$$ off
I will keep working and evaluating my 180s

Every time I feel myself thinking that it would be nice to have W around I will look at the reason why I was thinking it right in that moment. Then I will take the measures to avoid this happening again. I will detach totally this way.

I won’t fear W getting mad at me so if needed I will state my opinion without any regards to how W looks at things.

I won’t read anything into her being nice and pleasant – this is just her matching me being nice and one of her ways to get things her way.

I will try to let go of my feeling of guilt towards the children and I won’t let W use this to put pressure on me.

If W at some point asks me something I won’t answer until I am sure that my answer is one that doesn’t regard my wish for R

I won’t decline an invitation from mutual friends just because W will be there.

I will adjust this document and thereby me as my life progresses and accordingly to new knowledge, advice or experience.


EXPECTED QUESTION/COMMENTS FROM W:
(If more the one ME: these are different possibilities and not to be stated at the same occasion.)

W:The children are hurting, please……
ME: It must be very difficult dealing with the children's sadness, but W, you surely thought about all this when you were making the decision to leave the M.

W: Why don’t you want to be friends?
ME: This is a result of your choices. I always wanted a R with you but that you chose to leave the R and along with you leaving came a different R for us. I will continue to co-parent, be the best father possible and I will be friendly towards you but I can’t be your friend.

W: Why don’t you want to do things as a family? / You are hurting the children when you don’t want to do things together with me
ME: Since you chose to break up the family the children have been hurting. They will hopefully get better in time and I won’t pull them through this again when OM or OW comes into the picture. I will help the children to the best of my abilities and therefore I will also try to protect them from further hurt.
ME: W, I am just trying to protect the children from further hurt. You chose to break up the family and I won’t be responsible for pulling the children through this process once again when one of us gets hooked up again.

W: Why don’t you answer my calls and texts?
ME: If I am not busy I do answer them – if you have something very important about the children then send me a text and I will get back to you as soon as possible.

W: Why haven’t you told me this before? / Why have you been so nice when we lived together?
ME: Things were different when we lived together after you made the decision to leave our M. You pretended and so did I – I felt I had to keep things light and pleasant for the children’s sake – they will always be my first priority.

W: Come on in and have a cup of coffee
ME: Thanks, but I have to meet somebody soon so I have to run

W: Can I come in?
ME: Nope, we/I do not have the time right now.
ME: Yes, but you have to leave quickly – I/we have plans and I don’t want to be delayed.



I will keep on working this and thereby me.

F