Confused and Lost

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you 25yearsmlc
That is what I needed to hear. My wife actually told me about two months ago that remarrying me was the biggest mistake of her life. I know she was disappointment and felt abandon these last 6-7 months when I went back to school. That is not even including the mental abuse I gave her on top of that.

As far as my feelings - I don't know what I am feeling. I am trying so hard to suppress my feelings but find that when I am driving home from work that the tears and emotions really come out. I actually look forward to driving by myself as it seems like the only real free time I have to just cry out to God and let my emotions run rampant.

I totally get that^^. Been there, done that. Just don't go off the road. And if you need some wet wipes to clear your face and eyes before entering the home, use them.

I don’t feel angry towards my wife. I am angry, but at myself mainly for allowing the marriage to get to this point. I thought about getting a PI not so much to throw it at my wife’s face but I was afraid that she was so deep into this affair that she might try to get nasty in the event of a divorce.


And do what? Say you were abusive? I mean, it was a very interesting, "revenge" sounding way you put it when you first her tell OM her feelings...which, by the way, SHE IS WORKING ON...

did you miss that part?

I have an appointment with the lawyer next Tuesday just to make sure my ducks in a row just in case. I am not rich but still want to into this with knowledge from multiple angles.

I am a L and think everyone should have the knowledge of what would happen to them and their children, should their spouse die or leave them. IT's empowering to know you are making choices NOT based on fear.

I am really hoping that she ends the affair on her own and that my knowledge of the affair will not need to come out.

I understand why her heart got hard and don’t blame her for cheating on me. My heart also got hard this past year and now I am at a place where I want true healing and reconciliation to take place. She is already forgiven in my books. The hardest thing for me is forgiving myself. I think the next hardest thing is going to be for us to learn to trust each other. She is so afraid that I am going to go back to my old ways and I am scared that she will continue the affair. My family is worth the fight and effort though. I am working on being the support husband she needs by being there when she needs me too and by validating her feelings.


Why don't you tell her all this?? ^^^^ Certainly, if it comes out, this would be the way you ought to speak to her.



The last two days have been nice. Both nights I actually slept on the same bed as her. My wife’s back was bothering her so she asked me to massage her back and legs. When I was done, I got up to go to my bed and she told me to stay – so I did. We had some good small talk too in the morning before we got up.

What are you waiting for to take more initiative? Just curious.


Yesterday I was watching TV with her with both of us laying on the bed – so that was nice. I am still being very cautious though and try to keep my distance unless she is inviting or showing signs of being receptive.

You didn't think asking for a back rub and inviting you into the bed was a sign of being receptive? Hmmm...you want a written and signed invitation?

Our anniversary is next week and she has been asking me what I am going to do her. She indicated several times that I have to go big.


RED FLAG!! DO NOT BLOW IT AND DO NOT UNDER ESTIMATE THIS REQUEST.

YOU HAVE NEGLECTED/ABUSED HER AND SHE IS TELLING YOU EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTS...PLAN THIS OUT NOW.

What are you afraid of?


I am trying to balance this

WHY?

as I don’t want to be pushy but I don’t want to disappoint her either.

Worry less about being pushy, (= showing your desire for her?) and more about looking wishy washy and lazy or cheap. Just saying...

I really don’t know what her expectations are so I’ll have to see how the rest of the week goes before I decide on what to do.

YES you do know. Is she adventurous or romantic or what? What are HER love languages? She has been CLEAR with you.

Stop waiting to see how the rest of the week goes...Good grief. Plan out a nice weekend or evening at least.

Get a sitter NOW and give a meaningful thought out gift, and take her somewhere special.


I don’t think now is the time to recommend retrovaille to my wife. I wish she was there but I think that might come across as pushy and applying pressure.

You need to give HER SOME TOOLS or ways to get them AND ways for YOU TO GET THEM so she can be reassured you won't revert

and you won't be afraid she'll have the need or want for OM.
Stop just hoping it all gets better. What is with the "worry" about her feeling pushed?

She wants to KNOW you want her, desire her and love her and that you will be different.

She'll come back to the marriage IF& when she feels it can be better/different.

SHOW her how. That's what Retrovaille is about. It gives you tools for change, which you both need.

Stop waiting til there is zero chance of rejection but be ready for it. So do this with NO expectation and no crestfallen looks. Just cope. Handle this. Be confident.

Be the man she fell in love with, but even better b/c you REALLY GET IT NOW...

I want her to be the one to start the conversation about working on our marriage. I need to know that our marriage is progressing because she wants to and not because I forced her to.

You cannot "force" her to want to, and why should SHE be the one to start the conversation? You are the one she fears changing back.
What you want are HER to take the risks and give OM up before she has reason to believe you will be kinder and different towards her, for good. Are you even getting IC for that? I mean, what is NEW in you that she can believe your changes are real and will finally last?



What is your risk by being that way and pursuing your marriage first? What could you "lose" by risking your heart now? I don't get it.

I can see if SHE TOLD you to back off, but I must have missed that.

What I hear and see is a woman desparate to believe her h can finally, truly, change.


This is the very reason why I am hesitant to confront her on the affair. I don’t want my marriage to end. I love my wife and want this to work out so I am really thinking hard about what my actions should be.

They should be loving, passion filled actions and words.


My wife has mentioned to me several times in the past that she needs to see a counselor to work on herself. So I’m hoping that she will take that next step and then maybe after she is done with that, we can start talking about working on our marriage, etc.

WOW...
Notice how this^^^ requires NOTHING, OF YOU? Why aren't YOU in counseling, for your unacceptable behaviors?

You seem to want her to "wake up" but the reality is, what are YOU DOING to show her that marriage to YOU can be better and different?
Get on the bull and ride it. Demonstrate the love you SAY you feel. Today...geez...

I already paid for the counseling sessions for my wife (she told me the name of the counselor she wanted to see at some local church) so the ball is in her court. I won’t pressure her to go.



I am going to see an individual counselor for myself next week to get my thoughts and emotions better straighten out. I think I might setup an appointment with a DB coach next.

THANK GOD! Make sure you tell her YOU are going to work on YOUR stuff too. You should NOT make this all about her affair or OM, but about YOU and YOUR STUFF...

All in all this week I am feeling better but the pain is still there. She told me this morning that she is going to go walking today so that means she has an appointment with this OM. I try not to think about it but it does bother me. I am off this week from school but start again next week. I am really worried about going back to school. I’ve made suggestions to my wife about me taking the semester off but she is adamant that I continue. She told me that I need to finish school up for the family’s sake.

What do YOU think she means by that? You think it's a secret plan to get you to earn more? I don't.

WHy don't you just be a lot more attentive when you are home, and kinder, and maybe take one fewer class? Tell her why, if you do. That it's about your love for her and d.


I am taking three classes again but should be done in the spring. This semester I am not going to get crazy about wanted to make an A. As long as I pass, that is good enough for me. No MBA is worth losing a family over.


CLAP CLAP!! You are Correct. B = MBA... In fact, I think it's almost morally wrong for a married man and father to get all A's while in school. It means oddly placed priorities, or genius...you decide.

I am scared of the workload and trying to balance being there for my family while working at the same time. I will make this work somehow though. This semester is going to bite but I am perhaps it’s good time if it keeps my mind from thinking about the marriage/affair.

I had our first child "prematurely" (by about 5 years). I was in law school, and h began medical school when our son was 8 weeks old. It IS possible to do this.

Speak lovingly and optimistically of the future together and other children, a nice home, some travel, etc. BE a good catch.