better to love or be loved?

[Underdog]

Will,

Hope you're okay after my marathon post yesterday. Seriously, I want you to know that I have an affection for parents of special needs kids. I will go out of my way for them because I know how hard it is.

And 25MLC, you're right about taking care of a parent. Any time you are in the position of taking care of someone who can't take care of themselves, it's emotionally and physically draining as well as isolating.

So 25 MLC made some awfully smart and relevant comments to my post and yours earlier. They really resonated with me and brought me back to January 2003 when my XH moved out. I was left to deal with miserable old me and trying to figure out what I was going to do. I found DR in March of that year and then got my ass some plans. I kept a solutions journal and ROCKED my goals.

I got lovely Laurie as my DB coach and logged my backslides, his reactions to things I tried and did more of what worked and less of what didn't.

Hell, earlier this summer, I was having R troubles with my D19 after she moved home from college, and Wii pointed out to me that I needed to DB her. He was absolutely right.

I'm going to use a very specific example here because I have a sneaking feeling you might have a similar dynamic in your house. My family (nuclear and my marital family) has - for some reason - fed off MY moods. If I'm in the dumps, they don't lift me up, and they wind up in bad moods. I don't get that, but then again, I never specifically asked them to lift me up either. Anyway, way back when I was DBing my XH, as a result of my solutions journal, I realized this. So a few of my pals here and I conducted an experiment. We called it the Bob Barker principle. LOL

You remember Bob? The former host of The Price is Right? He was always happy and always smiled. He had to deal with dumb people, but he never wavered on his cheerfulness and supporting them while they were too stupid to play the High and Low Game. So, I came home one night and put on my megawatt Bob Barker smile and literally pulled my entire family up about 3 levels. I had totally forgotten that until this summer...

...when my D19 told me that she fed off my stress and bad mood and it made her not want to talk to me. After Wii reminded me that I needed to DB her, I put Bob back into action. Even my D16 was jazzed. There is something attractive and engaging when you're HAPPY. If you don't feel happy, fake it until you make it. Seriously, just watching my family's faces light up DID make me happy. I think I laughed out loud at it for awhile.

Let's get back to being smarty pants and/or sarcastic. I'm not sure if you consider yourself sarcastic, but sometimes smart aleckness plays well with sarcasm.

BTW, 25, I was blessed with great genetics - I come from a long line (paternal side) of people with a GREAT smile. It's my best asset. I have perfect teeth and dimples and my eyes twinkle when I smile. So in my distant past when I was a smart aleck, I could get away with it because people could see the sincerity of my humor in my eyes.

My sarcasm was where I got tripped up. And yes, it always accompanied eye rolling and a dramatic sigh for pause. Horrible, horrible stuff.

And like you, I'm seriously funny. I know I could do some very limited stand up somewhere. Unless I use the ubiquitous group thing like you do, my target of my humor is me. I make fun of me.

Will, 25 was also very, very astute on the principle of buttoning the mouth. In fact I'm going to say this out for everyone to see it. THIS was my 180. It was single handedly the first thing my XH noticed about my changes. When I quit trying to have the last word, he paid attention.

I also want to commend you for saying things that are hard to say about yourself. It's a hard path, Will.

Since 25 was able to restore her marriage, she's a great role model for you. I wasn't able to do that, but I was one of the lucky people who got my XH back as my friend. He's in my top 5 list of friends, so it's not lip service. We couldn't have returned to being friends without employing the DB principles and me actively deciding that I wanted to change for ME.

I'm going to say something to you that I wouldn't say to any other poster here. I don't normally tell people what to do - it's not my style. I'm much more the kind of person who puts stuff out on the table as food for thought. But I'm going to break that rule now.

You are going to have to parent your special needs D15 with this man for the rest of her life. I want you to consider that. Not only does she need her dad, but you need his help. Ask Barb - doing the bulk of the advocacy for your child single handedly is tough. I'm not saying you *can* do it. But you should try... you should make your #1 goal to get the kind of R with your H where you can co-parent in a friendly way. If you can BE friends, that's even better. But make your goal to interact with him on a level that's fair and solution minded.

In fact, most of the decisions made for my D16 have been deferred to me. I used to take that ball and roll with it. It also became the bone of contention - because I was viewed as controlling. SO... starting in early 2003, I started asking his opinion on her care. Once he felt safe doing that with me, we got to a really good point. I saw HIM through different eyes. And I also saw that he was smart, intuitive and he thought of things I hadn't thought of. In fact, we have had 4 conversations in the past hour about an issue she's having and we're drilling down on that. I'm SO glad I don't have to do this on my own.

Do it for you - you need respite care and the best person for that job is her dad. But you're going to have to create an environment and culture that makes it SAFE for him to engage with you.

I'm here to help if you need me. Because I think it's worthwhile.

And BTW, everything I learned here translated beautifully at work. I am in sales... and guess what? The techniques have sure helped me get better at those skills - listening, validating, looking for solutions, accepting responsibility when things don't go as planned. So look at this path as a means of furthering your education and employment prospects.

Hugs--

Betsey

p.s. Please ask us how you can make it safe for your H to engage with you. I can promise you honesty and help if you're willing to pull up your sleeves and start setting goals. Pretty sure the rest of the gang will be here to support you.