NEW LIFE / NEW ME

[lovethehub]

Should I go with something like “I am sorry to hear that but this is the consequences of your decision” or “I am sorry that D4 is hurting but that’s what’s expected when somebody breaks up a M”

I agree with Sandi that this is too harsh and almost sounds like retribution, not moving on and honesty. Use what Sandi said, you can always add other similar things so you don't say the same line over and over. "I know, it is hard on all of us. Unfortunately you and I knew it would be when you made this decision but the girls didn't really get it until after you moved"

"Then she told me something about D6 getting a new book at school already and then some about her….she just babbled.
(At this point my head started working because I was in doubt if babbling about the children should be stopped or not. Since I like to know what goes on in their lives I just listened and made these small listening-sounds like oh, yes, hmmm and so on)"

F, didn't you skype/facetime/whatever/video chat you use with you D's a week or so ago? You and your w have the children for long stretches of time, which means long stretches of time with the other parent not seeing them. In their best of interest, and also helping out your best interest of not having too much conversation with W, I suggest setting up regular times to skype with them. Next time W launches into this, or even beforehand, tell her you want to be able to keep up with the girls and hear from them the important things going on in their lives when they are with her. Let her know you want to skype every other night, every two nights, whatever and let her know you will have them available to do the same with her when they are at your house. Their is no reason not to "see" your girls for 9 days with todays technology and then your W will need to invent a new reason to call you!

She stated that she thought we would be friends and I told her that I didn’t feel like and that I don’t want to pull the children through another breakup when one of us meets OM or OW. She asked me why this would mean a breakup. I told her that this is how things go normally. She wanted to discuss this further and I believe I stated something like “Well, that how I look at it”

Again, I agree w/S that this isn't the best way to frame this. Maybe "I know we need to be friendly for the children, and there is no reason not to be. However, I feel that being friendly and hanging out together as friends are different things." Or something like that..

"Then she shifted towards D4 being sad and asking her why her and I can’t live together. She had told D4 that we weren’t very good at living together. I left this uncommented. She talked a little about this and also about D6 not talking about this but listening a lot."

I am glad you didn't comment on this. I know the feeling when you first split of wanting the other person to stand up and admit what they did. I felt this way when my ex and I split up, that the kids should know it was his fault. (We only had one D together but I say kids because I raised his 2 children for 5 years w/o their mom in the picture). The reality is that whose fault is should not be passed on to the children. It does nothing for them to know "mom" broke up the M. My ex had an A while I was pregnant but my D still does not know this and I will never tell her. When she asks why we aren't together I just say "unfortunately things didn't work it. I am sorry for you that they didn't but we did try" No ,we didn't try because he didn't want to but how will it help my D to know that?

Then shifted towards D4 asking her if I could join them for dinner and she invited me. I left it unanswered but she kept on asking so I told her that I didn’t feel like doing this."

Instead of saying I don't feel like it, which means she will keep asking, let her know this is your final decision. "W, I have thought a lot about us having dinners together as a family. I know we agreed that we would so I have to apologize to you because I have realized that it isn't something I want to do. You have chosen to move on and I don't see how this will help the girls in the long run. Us being friendly when we see each other will help the girls but dinner, I don't think that will help"