Figuring out the old and new life

[TSquared2]

Hi FY,

Since we have so many commonalities in sitches, this stood out:

She's also spent time figuring how others would take the news of her leaving. She doesn't want to be the bad guy. Which sometimes makes me wonder if this is really a MLC. Most MLC'ers don't care about their reputation or if they hurt others. Maybe she's a sensitive MLC'er?

I think we do have sensitive MLC'ers...yours seems to have not gone down the alien spew hate mode too much, mine seems to have recovered, BUT...mlc for sure, FY, for sure, do not doubt that...even if all the "mlc correct behaviors" are not there, the thoughts, self-search, running, and such do indicate mlc. And mlc instead of mid life transition because they want/wanted to throw all the old life away, and made effort to do so...whether quietly or not.

Hang in there, the stagnation pool is slowly draining, and good for you to keep moving forward with YOU...
T^2

[etc]

I believe I'm working with a sensitive MLCer as well. I heard the exact same thing. This stuff is seriously scripted.

ETC

[Whiterose]

When I told my H if he wanted a D he would have to do it he said "fine if you want me to be the As3h0le!!"

What I should have said was you already are when you abandoned your wife and kids but what I responded was that no one had said that.

He has no problem in the D now or what people think.

SEriously scripted!!

[reachingHigher]

Hi FY!

My H was a lot like your W in low self-confidence. We took an expensive personality survey a few years ago and he came out a 1 or 2 in confidence on a scale of 10. So I always felt part of his MLC was learning to be a natural, confident person. It wasn't just about running away from me.

H depended on gregarious me socially too, as your W did you.

I worried, too, that my H wasn't really in MLC. He wasn't mean like a lot of the guys. I didn't think he was having an A. He seemed to methodically plan and proceed with D with uncanny focus. He didn't seem to just flip overnight like some do. He wasn't reckless with our $$. We had extra and he spent that but he didn't devastate our savings. He maintained his good job.

I had to tell myself there were many other signs that pointed to MLC (appearance, cars, attitude, death in the family).

Then when my H came back I worried it was just for the kids as he was connecting with them much more than me. But if you saw him now, I doubt you would wonder if he was in love with me.

It's a scary road. Sometimes, when he was so teary and depressed, I wondered if he had a mental illness!

So..just to tell you I've had the same fears and your W and my H share a lot of similarities. I have actually worried about your sitch in the middle of the night b/c you don't have kids and that is a different factor. Would she want to run more b/c there are no ties to kids?

But W has stayed. She is growing. She is asking herself who she is and who she wants to be.

And I think...just like they come to the realization one day that their spouse is the problem...one day they will come to the realization that their spouse is part of the solution!

[RosaLinda]

oh rH this is so encouraging: "And I think...just like they come to the realization one day that their spouse is the problem...one day they will come to the realization that their spouse is part of the solution!" Thanks so much!

[RosaLinda]

FY "She's also spent time figuring how others would take the news of her leaving. She doesn't want to be the bad guy. Which sometimes makes me wonder if this is really a MLC. Most MLC'ers don't care about their reputation or if they hurt others. Maybe she's a sensitive MLC'er?"

Hmmm, maybe! I think a sensitive woman would be worried about what people would think if she left  especially since her GF likes you so much. And would not want to be the bad guy. It seems that I've heard about a lot of MLCers who want their LBS to be the one to file for divorce. 

My H is not sensitive, but I think he's worried about what his mom would say if he left me. Or maybe he is just using my MIL as an excuse - back in my snooping after BD2, I found a message to RT saying H's mom had told him not to leave me. That, even though he does not love me, he should not leave me because he has stayed with me all these years. RT protested that his mom should not tell a 60 year old man what to do, so he changed it to he could not leave me because I had saved his life when he had a life threatening heart arrhythmia. Twice!  He such a frightful liar! I'm glad he lies to RT and not just me!

FY "So, sometimes we fret too much over our sitch, (I'm looking at you RosaLinda) and that's where I am right now. Time to exit the MLC museum and put the focus elsewhere.

Construction at work is winding down, I'm hoping to offer my TKD class again real soon. This class has been my favorite GAL by far.

I also signed up for a new online course, (my 4th since BD!) It's called "get funny" and teaches us how to be funny. So if I ever made you spit water, (I'm looking at you uRw) you might want to make sure to swallow before opening my posts."

You already make me laugh, so thanks for the warning about the drinks! That sounds like a super GAL! You are already funny so will just learn to become funnier! I wonder if they have any success with non-funny people like me? Can anyone take it?

I'm trying not to fret FY! How do you keep from fretting in the spare time between the GALs and work? I went to an outdoor jazz concert last night which is a first for me, and had coffee with a friend this morning, and worked all afternoon and am doing the overnight in the ER tonight. But still found plenty of free minutes to fret

[Wonka]

She's also spent time figuring how others would take the news of her leaving. She doesn't want to be the bad guy. Which sometimes makes me wonder if this is really a MLC. Most MLC'ers don't care about their reputation or if they hurt others. Maybe she's a sensitive MLC'er?

This may be a female MLCer trait. I recall telling Ms. Wonka a short time after the BD during one of our walks in the woods that "I am not the bad guy" and "Something's wrong with me." There you have it.

[ForeverYoung]

I wonder if they have any success with non-funny people like me? Can anyone take it?

Yes, anyone can take the ed2go online classes. Just google ed2go for details on all the courses offered and to see how it all works. I like them because it gives me something else to focus on besides my crappy sitch. One of the nice things is each course has a "classroom" where everyone can post threads and replies, kinda like here. Plus there's a "teacher" who oversee's all the interaction, kinda like... well, if I say I may end up in detention!

I may take "Divorce Navigation" after the funny bones course is complete. I hope I don't accidentally leave some materials lying around for W to see!

I'm trying not to fret FY! How do you keep from fretting in the spare time between the GALs and work? I went to an outdoor jazz concert last night which is a first for me, and had coffee with a friend this morning, and worked all afternoon and am doing the overnight in the ER tonight. But still found plenty of free minutes to fret

It's ok to think about your sitch. You really can't stop it even if you tried, so don't try to avoid the thoughts. The trick is to look at it differently, and accept where you are, and realize that all the fretting in the world won't fix your spouse. Actually, it only makes you feel worse.

Maybe check out the book "The Happiness Trap" (I just started it) or material on "Mindfulness", instead of reading/posting the same thing over and over on this board looking for the magic answer that'll send your spouse running into your arms. Everyone feel free to whack me with this same 2x4 the next time I need it.

[Wonka]

Hey Mr. Kotter...up your nose with a rubber hose!

[ForeverYoung]

Hi FY,

Since we have so many commonalities in sitches, this stood out:

She's also spent time figuring how others would take the news of her leaving. She doesn't want to be the bad guy. Which sometimes makes me wonder if this is really a MLC. Most MLC'ers don't care about their reputation or if they hurt others. Maybe she's a sensitive MLC'er?

I think we do have sensitive MLC'ers...yours seems to have not gone down the alien spew hate mode too much, mine seems to have recovered, BUT...mlc for sure, FY, for sure, do not doubt that...even if all the "mlc correct behaviors" are not there, the thoughts, self-search, running, and such do indicate mlc. And mlc instead of mid life transition because they want/wanted to throw all the old life away, and made effort to do so...whether quietly or not.

Hang in there, the stagnation pool is slowly draining, and good for you to keep moving forward with YOU...
T^2

Yes, we do share a lot of commonalities.

This stuff is hard to deal with, but then I don't have to tell you that. You're a big reason I've made it this far! Thanks so much for your continued support T2, it really means a lot to me.