Husband Threatened to Leave, Don't know what to do

[Lll54]

TrentC, you are right. I agree its bogus and immature. I see his point but at the same time it's just what it is. He is 29 years old and just can't seem to suck it up and accept his life. He keeps going through these stages over the years and it really [censored] for me. He was away all weekend and so I got out of town too with the kids and went to visit my sister. It was fun and he was surprised when he heard what I did. He seems to just think I'm gonna sit at home and do nothing all the time. As soon as I show initiative to do something and get out of dodge he gets "curious". Or something like that. He definitely tested me all weekend. He seems to think when he is away he needs minimal contact with me. It's quite annoying. I understand he was on a course and busy but its not hard to make a minute to contact your wife.

He just goes through these stages where he needs to feel young and single and free. I hate it. Then once it subsides he gets back into the family man again...he isn't there yet that's for sure. When I did have the chance to talk to him this weekend he wasn't very loving at all. Every day is a new day. I never know what I'm gonna get with him. It's such an internal struggle.

[Lll54]

But this, on the other hand, is very immature. When you get married, you DO agree to give up some "freedom" in exchange for the emotional and physical security of being in a committed relationship.

Like it or not, you two ARE accountable to each other.[/i]

I agree. This is all right and true...but you are also right in me not being able to being it up as he will pull be trigger and walk out. Lose lose situation...

[TrentC]

I agree. This is all right and true...but you are also right in me not being able to being it up as he will pull be trigger and walk out. Lose lose situation...

If he really has that little respect for you, what exactly are you losing if you call his bluff? How is having some definite decision being made worse than living with the daily uncertainty? It's only "lose-lose" if you accept the premise that you won't be OK if he leaves. That is simply not true.

He likes having you so scared that you won't say or do anything, and he knows that he just needs to feed you the occasional crumb to keep you around. And he will try to convince you that it's all your fault the marriage isn't working, when he needs to put in effort as well.

Mark my words, he will keep escalating and keep pushing the boundaries to see exactly what you will let him get away with. If he's not got an OW now, I think it's only a matter of time before he does. He's living on the wild side now, why not add a little more spice by getting mixed up with a woman who will give him what he wants, when he wants it? Who wants to go home to the bitchy, sexless wife who nags him about coming home at a reasonable hour and spending time with his kids?

[Lll54]

Ok...so how do you bring this up without sounding controlling? He wants freedom. He wants to be able to go out for drinks and me not nag him for going. And it's not that i care everytime if he does but he has been gone for 3 days out of town then worked the last two nights and informed me today he is going for wings tonight after the boys are in bed. I have him a sad look and he said "what? We are going away this weekend and ill be with you for 5 days straight. It's not a big deal"

The problem is lately his "Wing" nights turn into bar and 4 am nights. And we leave at 9 am for another holiday...

Am I being annoying? Is this fine and normal for him to do? Or am I being high maintenance?

[Mimi00]

No you're not being annoying, you are a concerned wife.

I don't know if this is helpful, but maybe you can say something to the affect of

"H, I don't mind you going out for wings/hanging out with the guys, but when you come come at 4 am it makes me feel (fill in the blank). Is there any way we can come to a solution that we both feel good about concerning this?"

or

"H, I appreciate how hard you work to sustain our family, when you're gone many nights a week I miss spending time with you. What do you think about going out once a week w/o the kids?"

What ever you do, just try not to make it an attack on him/make him feel like the bad guy.

[MrBond]

"He wants freedom. He wants to be able to go out for drinks and me not nag him for going. "

Yep I knew this was going to be coming up since his admission to you about his new "way of life". Next thing you know he'll tell you why he's justified to talk to other women.

"Am I being annoying? Is this fine and normal for him to do? Or am I being high maintenance?"

Not at all. What you do is explain to him how his going out makes you feel. Follow the "when you do this....I feel like this". Just state it matter of factly and don't offer him any suggestions. Tell him that you appreciate the fact that he needs his nights out and that likewise you would like to feel valued the same way with your needs.

[TrentC]

Am I being annoying? Is this fine and normal for him to do? Or am I being high maintenance?

To answer the last questions first: in my opinion, no, no, and not really.

Ok...so how do you bring this up without sounding controlling?

By making it about what you can and can't accept, not his behavior.

He wants freedom.

This is fairly reasonable.

He wants to be able to go out for drinks and me not nag him for going.

This is also somewhat reasonable.

And it's not that i care everytime if he does but he has been gone for 3 days out of town then worked the last two nights and informed me today he is going for wings tonight after the boys are in bed. I have him a sad look and he said "what? We are going away this weekend and ill be with you for 5 days straight. It's not a big deal"

This is far less reasonable. He doesn't get to decide what is a big deal for you.

See, he wants to behave like the only person responsible for meeting the others' needs is you. This whole thing started (again) with him having real, heartfelt issues that needed to be addressed. And you understand that, and you are trying your best to change.

But that doesn't absolve him of his responsibilities to the relationship—not to you, and not to your kids. (I keep hearing about how he feels and how you feel; how are your boys dealing with all of this?)

The problem is lately his "Wing" nights turn into bar and 4 am nights. And we leave at 9 am for another holiday...

This brings me back to my prior post. He's giving you just enough to keep you invested in the marriage, but—for right now at least—he's checking out.

The others have made really good points about what to say. The trick to not being controlling is to make your boundaries about what behavior is unacceptable to you because you have to be willing to enforce the consequences if he violates them. Controlling behavior is about "you can't do that" while boundaries are about "I won't tolerate that".

Just so we're clear: setting boundaries in this situation means accepting the possibility that one or the other of you is going to move to end the marriage. Because in the current situation, he's probably going to threaten to walk out when you set the boundary, if only to see if you give in. And if he doesn't, then he almost certainly will test the boundary—which means you have to enforce the penalty, which in turn may also cause him to threaten to leave (assuming the consequence isn't you kicking him out).

In either case, the best non-controlling response is "I can't make you stay in a relationship that you don't want."

[Lll54]

Not at all. What you do is explain to him how his going out makes you feel. Follow the "when you do this....I feel like this". Just state it matter of factly and don't offer him any suggestions. Tell him that you appreciate the fact that he needs his nights out and that likewise you would like to feel valued the same way with your needs.

A few weeks ago we had this conversation and I told him how it makes me feel. And that this has never been a normal behavior of his so I'd like him to understand why I feel this way. This is when he stated that this his his new way if life....I accept it or I don't....

And here I am...1:30 am. Can't sleep. As I wait again for him to come home. When you have been away from your W for 5 nights and you still choose your buddies over her on the 6th it really hurts. And what's wrong with some wings and a few drinks? Why does it have to be all nighters?

He has been so responsive lately. Told me the other day how much of a good mom I am and how much of a good wife I am and how proud he is to call me his wife. He has been so affectionate and loving to me and we had such a good day today...it broke my heart when he said he is leaving for the night again. I tried not to let him notice it bothered me, but he read through me. "We will be together for the next 4 nights...." Again he said.... And it really hurts that he knows full well I'm bothered and can't just once come home a little earlier to make me feel better. Nope. He has to teach me another lesson.

[TrentC]

This is when he stated that this his his new way if life....I accept it or I don't....

That is a total crock. No one gets to unilaterally rewrite the marriage agreement like that.

He has been so responsive lately. Told me the other day how much of a good mom I am and how much of a good wife I am and how proud he is to call me his wife.

Yes, you're such a good wife that he can't want to go hang out with his buddies all night and tell them about how awesome you are for letting him do that. You do see what he's doing, right?

He has been so affectionate and loving to me and we had such a good day today...it broke my heart when he said he is leaving for the night again. I tried not to let him notice it bothered me, but he read through me. "We will be together for the next 4 nights...." Again he said.... And it really hurts that he knows full well I'm bothered and can't just once come home a little earlier to make me feel better. Nope. He has to teach me another lesson.

So how much longer are you going to let him treat you like that? Because this is turning into straight-up emotional abuse.

He will keep escalating to see if you're "cool enough" to let him crap all over you, and not "freak out" or get all jealous if and when you find out that other women are part of these all-nighters. And when you do find out and call him on it, well, then, it'll be all your fault that he has to leave. Because you're being unreasonable.

Consider this: is this what you want your sons to learn about marriage? That a wife's role is to sit at home wondering when her husband will grace his family with his presence? That you can be an immature, selfish jerk to your wife and your family and they should just learn to cope?

[chl0901]

Hey there! I agree with the above posts, your H seems to be testing his limits with you by pushing his boundaries further and further. Wings and a couple of beers with your buddies once or maybe twice a week is reasonable - staying out several times a week until 4am is not. I think you need to take the advice above and set your boundaries and enforce the consequences you set, or else the situation will most likely continue to escalate. Good luck!