One giant leap forward! - Part 4

[labug]

Stop!!! your anxiety is reaching me across the ocean and the whole of the US!!!!

Why wouldn't you involve your W in the thinking and decisions about the house?

Last night I saw a funny pic and sent it to her. Never heard anything back. That's fine as it wasn't a question just a funny pic.
If someone sends me a pic I always reply with something even if just a :-)

This will get you in a lot of trouble in all your Rs. Don't take everything personally and don't make up stories about what other people are thinking. You sent it, you thought it was funny and thought she might too. End of story. She might have laughed uproariously or thought it was silly beyond words. Doesn't matter.

Why haven't you agreed on money situations in the past. That's huge.

[T1000]

Stop!!! your anxiety is reaching me across the ocean and the whole of the US!!!!

Stopping.

Why wouldn't you involve your W in the thinking and decisions about the house?

If she doesn't agree (which from past monetary situations she tends not to) it's
adding something to the sitch it could do with out right now. Arguments or resentments from either side.

Last night I saw a funny pic and sent it to her. Never heard anything back. That's fine as it wasn't a question just a funny pic.
If someone sends me a pic I always reply with something even if just a :-)

This will get you in a lot of trouble in all your Rs. Don't take everything personally and don't make up stories about what other people are thinking. You sent it, you thought it was funny and thought she might too. End of story. She might have laughed uproariously or thought it was silly beyond words. Doesn't matter.

Why haven't you agreed on money situations in the past. That's huge.

Like most things with me and my W she was at both ends of the spectrum while I was in the middle. She was either trying to spend what we really didn't have or trying to not spend more than was reasonable.
Buying new windows for the house or a new car to living on peanuts.

I was more semi-comfortable. Don't go buying big things we weren't desperate for and not just scraping by the rest of time.

I have a company car and she was saying it didn't make financial sense. She would get half the facts and them steamroll ahead with how wrong it was.

Granted I never backed up my side with decent evidence either.

We never had the tools to discuss something so opinionated without it becoming a big argument. I don't think now is the time to get into all that.

I could put all the info together on why I think it is the course to go down.
Legally I don't have to because we are not currently divorcing and sharing out the equity.
I'm unsure on what to do.

[T1000]

Breathe. Go with the flow. There are no hard and fast rules. Try doing what feels right.

Stop the mind reading. That's what I hate about texti. No response I this or that amount of time and we concoct all sorts of things cc

There was a world before texting where we didn't have to do that. Kind of miss it.

Ooops, I hit send too quick.

Sometimes I type a response and forget to hit send. Or I see the text but can't respond At that time and forget about it later.

So, don't worry.

I find it hard not to expect back what I would do.
I do need to chill out more. Stressing ain't gonna change anything.

[lovethehub]

I find it hard not to expect back what I would do.

T, don't make your behaviors the standard. We don't all respond the same way. Sometimes, it seems to me, it gets ridiculous trying to figure out when to end a text because you say "TTYL" and they say "Ok, goodnight" Do I respond goodnight, or let it go since I said ttyl?? Right? It could go on forever if you are the person who feels the need to reply to all texts. Fortunately not everyone does. (I feel your pain on this one, I am the same way). And just like GM23 said, sometimes you can't reply right away and then you just forget.

Don't over think the little things, jsut because you do something doesn't mean it is the 'right' way or that everyone has to do it that way, and if they don't it doesn't mean they aren't replying to YOU, just that they didn't reply. Things are much better in your sitch and you are learning and growing every day, focus on that and don't let this stuff trip you up!

[sandi2]

Don't fret over the text thing. I remember one time the two of you argued over her not getting a text from you. Try the little things, like funny pictures, a couple of times. If she doesn't respond, then use words and ask her if she and the kids are doing okay. That opens the door for her to say something. Not that she's ever needed a door before now, but just saying......

The issue about the house and your ever increasing debt is a much more serious issue than how often to text. Based on other things you've told us, I don't see her dealing with debt very well. Serious debt can get the best of the maturest of MR's.

I agree that you don't need to tell her in the next few days (or even weeks), but I do not believe you should keep her from knowing about it (especially the house), b/c if things got better in the R and the two of you were about to get back together....and then she discovers the shape of your finances, it won't be good. It could bust you apart again. At some point, you must be open and honest about the situation. Timing is extremely important about these matters, as I'm sure you know.

Try not to take on too many things to stress over at one time. There is plenty to spread over the days ahead.

[T1000]

Thanks LTH

I only get this way with W. My texts to other people are so much more relaxed.
I should apply that to all my texts including W.

[T1000]

Thanks Sandi,

I need to do what works...

I sent her a pic the other morning of something I made at work because I was proud of it. Something I wouldn't do normally. I got great response.

I will contact my financial adviser and see if they can start the application but no go ahead to complete until I say so.

Over the last few hours I have thought that I will tell her about my plans and why I'm doing it. She doesn't have to agree with it and it might cause some issues but it does need dealing with and soon.

We don't have much time together as it is. We are planning to spend some time together on Sunday evening and I could do without things like this being on the agenda.

What are your thoughts on us discussing things like mortgages/house/important discussions via Skype? That way it wouldn't run into our actual time together.
We did discuss chatting via Skype, it also might break up the week a bit with not seeing each other.

[T1000]

I find it hard not to expect back what I would do.

T, don't make your behaviors the standard.

That's huge. And not only with texting. We al expect respect and decency as standard behaviors , but not everyone handles situations the exact way and it doesn't make anyone better or worse, or wrong or right c

This morning I was thinking about this.
I have my standards for myself and what I do. Let everyone else look after their own. If this isn't working somewhere then that is when boundaries can come into play.
It's either large or important enough to put a boundary on it or it isn't.

Getting a text back from W isn't and never will be.

[labug]

Good thinking!

[labug]

A thought, when people don't respond the way we think they should or want them to (expectations) it usually brings up some doubts within us. She's mad at me, I did something wrong, She didn't like the joke... All mindreading.

When you know that's happening just stop and ask yourself, "What do I know for a fact?"
1. We've been getting along relatively well.
2. I sent a text I thought was funny.
3. She hasn't responded.
Lather, rinse, repeat and go about your day.