let's start at the end, shall we?

[KindaHappy1]

Alright, she called at work to ask about a mutual client I had in today. I did ask about the boys and if she was able to get her concert dates locked in, which she did, so I am not going, which means BOYS NIGHT!!! I'm going to plan something fun to do with them.

I did ask if she wanted to go to the MC on friday, stating that I don't want to push her. She said that she would talk to her IC about it!??!?! It pisses me off how she uses him as an excuse. Part of the reason I moved out was because she said we would go on dates and have family time, but now IC said we see too much of each other.

I was ready to move back in and tell her that if she isn't going to stick to what she promised, we wold have to cohabit and live our own lives separate in the same house, but her agreeing to see a MC made me back off.

I asked her, if it was your decision what would you choose and she said "It can't hurt" and then I started talking about work again.

I wish we didn't have so many connections between work and the kids, it makes it so hard on me. I get so excited hearing her voice, but I maintained my cool and PMA!

[Positivespin]

Oh boy...typing on a iPad - hope I don't ramble on toooooooo much

What the hell do you want? Is she having an affair? Is that game over? How do you know.......your gut knows

I pushed for mc. We now go every 2 mths for co- parenting tips and guidance. My wife isn't coming back any time soon. Every once in a while I'll get a one or two sentence Email either about d3 logistics or the house.

So you are going insane...what are you doing to clear your head? This should be physical. Please list

Goals please- id some items in the 1-3 mth category and list them here

Stop snooping - shut up don't lie

Focus on you. You will feel layers of hurt you've never felt before and then it will happen again only worse - and she won't care.

Journal pls.....if you do this right you will be so happy months/ years from now when you see how far you've come.

Keep posting here- the more honest the better

Now read sandys rules again

The goal is to be stronger and be in control - you can do this!!!

[KindaHappy1]

Thanks PS, I appreciate you posting on my thread

Oh boy...typing on a iPad - hope I don't ramble on toooooooo much

What the hell do you want? Is she having an affair? Is that game over? How do you know.......your gut knows

I want my family back together. I want to move back and start working on making my marriage better. I want my wife and I to reconnect in a way we haven't been able to in years.

I don't know if there is an PA, but I know part of the breakdown was aided by a friendship with a guy she works out with. she said it is not a EA and told me that he would never sleep with her while she was married, which tells me they talked about it, so sounds like EA material to me.

It is not a deal breaker for me.

So you are going insane...what are you doing to clear your head? This should be physical. Please list

I drag my butt out of bed and jump on the treadmill and run for 3 miles, then I meditate for 40 minutes before I get ready for work.

I also am going to start seing a IC who works for the psychiatrist who put me on wellbutrin

Goals please- id some items in the 1-3 mth category and list them here

I am looking into some art classes, so far I have found on general class that I think I will be joining and then there is a painting class I want to sign up for too.
I am thinking of learning to weld, I found a place that offers a 2 hour course and then I also paid for a 2 hour intro to stained glass class.

I would also like to reconnect with a few friends and rebuild a scooter that has just been sitting there for a decade or so. That is something one of my friends offered, and I like the idea.

Stop snooping - shut up don't lie

Yes sir. I sure do need to get better on not snooping. It has only brought me pain. I am doing my best to not lie too. Honestly! In fact I am currently reading the art of communicating by Thich Nhat Hanh

Focus on you. You will feel layers of hurt you've never felt before and then it will happen again only worse - and she won't care.

um... I guess I will try to remind myself that I am still alive when that happens, and do my best to carry on and not let it drag me down too much if I can help it. Hopefully I will be off moderation at that point and can look to the forums for support.

Journal pls.....if you do this right you will be so happy months/ years from now when you see how far you've come.

Thank you. I have started a journal and will try to keep at it on a more regular basis. I tend to only journal when I feel really bad, and I am thinking that I need to get the positive feelings in there too.

Keep posting here- the more honest the better

Now read sandys rules again

The goal is to be stronger and be in control - you can do this!!!

I do plan to keep posting, and I try to read the rules at least 2 times a day, plus I have a copy in my car and one by my workstation at the office.

Thank you for believing in me!

[KindaHappy1]

My parent and I went out to buy work desks for my oldest boys to do their school work on. After we bought them, my mom asked if we should bring them over. It didn't make sense not to due to the size, so I called my youngest and told him that we would be over to drop some stuff off.

W was there and helped bring stuff in. I was doing fine, treating her like a friendly neighbor, then I gave my youngest some hugs and said goodbye. As I was leaving, W asked for a hug, and I couldn't resist. She gives a really nice hug, and I know I shouldn't think that it was more than a hug, but it did make my night.

When I got back to where I am staying, I realized that I never found out when I could stop by to put the desks together, plus W asked when the next H2O delivery was, so I texted W stating that I could come over today since she was working late (she told me this when I was scheduling MC) and that H2O was coming monday

She replied that she wasn't working late, so I texted back that we would figure it out. I didn't mention that she told me she was working late.

She then texted back that my oldest has a color guard demo for parents on Thursday. So I texed back that I would love to see him doing it.
She then told me that his first game is next week Friday. I am not asking her if we can go together, but if she were to ask me, I think I would agree.

Then this morning she texted that she forgot that she does have a late appointment, so I could stop by after work. I told her that I would and that I would try to get there early so I could get out before she gets home.

We talked on the phone a while later about a mutual client, and just kept it business only.

I'm doing ok

[KindaHappy1]

Dang it. I realized today that I have months and months of voice mails on my phone and listened to a few old ones to see if I could tell when she started to distance herself and it is so hard hearing her be sweet to me back then. I should delete them, but I am too weak at this point.

[KindaHappy1]

It was a weird night for me. I went to the house after work and put one of the desks together. I texted W to see if I had time to work on second desk, and we had some lite conversation and I cleared out before she got home. I was having a hard time because I suspected that she was with OM and not working. I listened to some old voice mails and I was in a bad place.

I dreamed about her and I and him too, and in my dream, we had some closure. Now, upon waking, I am feeling like I finally get that I need to stop thinking about her and the M and focus on me and what I want and need. I put so much into our relationship and I've made so many sacrifices, that I don't really know who I am outside of the M, so it is a time of rediscovery of me.

[KindaHappy1]

Today, I know that I will need to communicate with my W to find out if we are going to MC tomorrow or not. I don't know how it can help at this point, so I'll be relieved if she says no, but if she want's to go, I'll play along and let her talk and I won't be arguing.

I also will be seeing her this evening. My son's color guard demo for the parents is tonight. I don't plan on going with her, or being by her there, but if she has my other 2 boys, I should be by them, right?

[KindaHappy1]

I was just thinking about how far I have come. I know I will continue to get knocked around, but after I agreed to move out, I wasn't able to focus well and I messed up at work a few times, but I am much better focused and doing a much better job doing my job!

[KindaHappy1]

W called me at work after her IC. I asked her what was up, she said "nothing" So I ask if we need to cancel MC (have to do it by 3 today if so for 24 hr notice) She said she didn't know and asked if I had IC this week yet. I explained that I needed to reschedule to be able to see my oldest boy tonight.

She suggested that we reschedule until next week and that we can "talk" tonight... I explained that I don't need to go to IC prior to MC, and I told her that the lack of communication has left me in a confused, unknowing state and that's why I asked for MC and that afterward I realized that I may be pushing her into doing somethings she didn't want to do. I said that I think we should cancel if she doesn't want to go, and she immediately replied "we'll go, we'll go"

I asked how her IC was working out, if she liked him better than the last, she said she did. I asked if he said anything about MC, and she said that because we are separated, he suggests we work on ourselves first. I asked if she told him about our Sunday night conversation (I KNOW...I SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN PRYING... AAAAAHHHH!)

She said she did and told him that she felt attacked, I guess for asking if she googled the effect of divorce on kids. She then told me that the IC explained that we are both going through quite a bit now, and that these things are normal and expected. I wish I wasn't on moderation to get some advice if I should cancel tomorrow. I really don't want to be dealing with any of this right now.

I miss reciprocal love so much. I don't know how you long timers stick to it, but then again, I am starting to understand... you do it because YOU are worth it, you do it because you are making yourself a better person and you are doing it because you know you deserve being a better you.

I imagine quite a few get to the point where they realize how toxic it all is and cut their losses. It will be interesting to see which camp I belong to.

[KindaHappy1]

"Everything is what it is, until it is something else... until then, make no assumptions and carry on accordingly"

I think this will be my mantra for a while.

I am sick of my wandering mind and the assumptions I have. I have a tendency to think the worst, and then I want to have hope and believe things are better than they are which only causes suffering.

I like the act "as if", and not letting the mind wander.