Growing a Backbone, No More Cake Eating

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Yes, now the important part is sticking to it when he comes calling or knocking. You cannot back down or your words will lose their meaning.

How did you know he was truly done? What did he say or do?

My H dropped many bombs over the last 5 years, several during my A and the time after it when I didn't truly recommit to the M (that's another issue we can talk about later!). We would be nice but distant, no physical contact, etc. for a month or so and then little by little we would warm up to each other and then one day just sort of smile, kiss and jump back in. When BD came in Feb, it was different. It wasn't part of a fight, he was just fed up with my selfish choices. My A had been over for years but I had not truly committed to our M and had done zero work on myself. I knew he meant it. I did the crying, begging thing for a few days and then I went online and found DB. I started looking at myself and realized how many ways I had hurt him and how I had always blamed him for everything. This is why letting go is so important. If I (now as the LBS) had not let go, I never would have looked inside myself and I never would have understood his unhappiness or my part in all of this. You have to look inside and instead of just being hurt/mad/sad/sick/disgusted/ticked that they are having an A, you have to realize how they could have come to the point where they felt this was their best choice. What did you do/not do in the M that failed it? We know you know what he did but you can't control that. It seems like you have a good idea and are working on those things already. Many people don't and they just continue to focus on what their S is doing and how they are hurting the M; this will never bring about change, at least not lasting change.

I think I am ready to do this. It has taken me 4 months but I think I'm strong enough to take this risk. The risk being...without that little daily connection, I may not have any of him. He may just go on his merry way and never look back.

I have no doubt you are strong enough. Your posts show that and you are looking inside and worrying about your changes, not his. I don't think this is a risk. Do you want your H under the conditions you have him now? NO. I think I would have committed a LOT earlier if my H hadn't made it so easy for me to remain the same person. Which sounds like blame on him and I don't mean it that way..I mean that whenever he was leaving, I would freak out, cry, not want to lose him, sob for days, etc. Then he would come back so quickly and I would be so happy but within days the old me would show up, the uncommitted one who didn't really know what she wanted. Stick to your guns. Be loving, friendly and leave the door open for R, not for sex!