I am titanium

[Raine]

snodderly, the little one is doing so great! I can’t believe how the time has flown by. He is very attached to me, huge smile and laughs when he sees me. I guess that’s what you’d expect, but he sure has brought a lot of joy to the entire family. All of his older brothers are so cute with him. Even S age 2 is super gentle and sweet, and this is the boy who successfully torments his older brothers.

I don’t think H will leave either. His leaving will be either because he is in a healthy, stable mindset to handle divorce, or because I force him to. That was pretty clear to me that he would do absolutely anything at this point to stay in the house: get counseling and stop all contact with OW. I feel like he is more distant now from me than he has been in quite a while, as far as anything beyond a friendship. He wants to do family things, go out together with the kids, hang out with me at home, but he seems really leery of doing stuff out and about just him and I. This kind of [censored] because I want to get out, but seems weird doing “us” things without him. Going and seeing one of his favorite bands or comedian with someone else and not him…just feels wrong. Oh well. He has a great time during and after, but probably the anticipation is getting to him.

I have been reading Silent Sons. So much of it applies to H…it’s scary! I’ll keep you posted on more of this. Really great book so far!

Hey complicated! I do feel like I’m in a really good place. Things upset me still. He does things to push my buttons for sure, but I’m pretty good at brushing them off and ignoring them. A lot of times I just think he is completely clueless.

Catching up…
Monday I let him know what I’m making for dinner. I don’t say time or anything or ask if he’ll be home, just put it out there. He rolls in at 7, but I was planning late anyway. He tells me not to be offended that he has to get some work done, and he wasn’t going to leave the office until much later. He said he didn’t want to offend me when I said I was making dinner so he came home. So, not thinking I said, “Oh, I don't get offended anymore. I'm used to it by now.” His face totally falls. I jump into recovery mode and say “I mean I’m used to not getting offended by things. I like to be able to just let things roll off my back. It’s not a big deal. I mean, I know you'd never do anything to intentionally hurt me. You’re just not that kind of person.” And he says, “But I do, and I have. I have hurt people on purpose.” Yeah, that one was a convo stopper.

Tuesday he comes in late again, skips out on his friends who were expecting him, but has stopped to get himself something to eat. Work is really stressful right now, but he loves it. Says it is keeping him sane. That he really needs this right now.

He is talking to me a lot about other people. He has been helping multiple single guy friends with their women and dating issues, which is really funny to me. I think he really likes to think he is an expert at this. He started telling me about a convo he had with one guy about attractiveness in women and how someone could go from being a 5 to an 8, based on personality, intelligence, wit, etc, but someone who is a 9 could go to a 4 when they showed how dumb they were. (For sure I’m wondering how OW play into this one :p) I asked him for an example, and he couldn’t think of anyone. So I mention someone who I thought was a bit frumpy, but he thought was cute, and he agreed, it’s because she has a fun personality.

He also talked about people noticing him for superficial reasons, and wanting to be liked for who he is. I told him those things were never the reason I was attracted to him. I’m just not fazed by this, just like I’m not fazed by other superficial things with other people. But I do sense that the OW like him on the superficial level. They don’t know him. He doesn’t let them in, and not like he is anything like himself or who I hope he will one day become.

We talked about his trust issues, that he doesn’t trust anyone, and hasn’t since he was a young teen, at least that is as far back as he can recall not being able to trust. He is not sure why, but links it to his Dad and to bullying peers. I asked him if it just felt like a normal teen thing, or that he had issues where he didn’t feel like his dad protected him when he needed him. He felt like the later was more accurate.

Wednesday he came home again, ditching his friends who were waiting for him. He came in and grabbed some dinner and went and watched TV for the rest of the night. When he had his apartment, all he did was watch TV, but since he moved back, he has watched very little of it. This was the first time in a very long time. I didn’t see him the rest of the night.

So Thursday he calls me mid-day to have me look at some t-shirts he wants to order for him and the boys. I say they look great. He calls me multiple times on his way home from work, but I never saw the calls. Kind of strange to me that he is calling. Makes me wonder if he has gone to see OW1 or something. Paranoid much? Or maybe it’s because I’m annoyed at him. Here is why:

The before mentioned girl who I thought was frumpy and he thought was cute, we are both friends with her on FB, and she is married too. Anyway, I look at my news stream this afternoon and it has multiple “likes” from H on pics she is posting of her baby and then also ones of her. On one of the ones of her he commented that she looked “gorgeous” and he also commented on another one of her that it was a fun expression. Totally annoyed the heck out of me. He doesn’t even like pictures that have me in it, even though he “likes” everyone and their freaking dog on FB. But I gave it time. Had dinner. He hung out with the boys. After the boys went to bed he asked me if I was going to take care of the kitchen cleanup (nice huh? haha!) and I said to him, “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to tell another woman on FB that she is gorgeous. I feel it’s disrespectful to me and her husband. It also makes it difficult for me to have her over to hang out.” I told him that I had gone on FB and there was this chunk in the news feed of him liking three photos of her baby and a photo of her and commenting on it. He said he only liked one baby photo. (This is funny. Does he not remember? I mean it’s there in the history, so I really just think he doesn’t remember.) I just said okay to that. I was very calm and matter of fact…kind of like, “hey can you take out the garbage” voice. He apologized. Didn’t intend it that way. In response to me not feeling comfortable hanging out with her, he said he doesn’t need to hang out with her. They’re not close friends anyway, etc, etc. I just thanked him for being understanding and that I could talk to him about it, and that I understand he didn’t mean anything by it and it’s just him, but I it made me uncomfortable. Pretty sure this annoyed him, but I’m glad I said what I did. He needs to get a freaking clue about some of this stuff.

Whew! I’m all caught up.

[Wonka]

Raine, H does see you as the lighthouse in the midst of the MLC fog and he's coming closer to the shore. Hang in there!!

[AJM]

He has been helping multiple single guy friends with their women and dating issues, which is really funny to me. I think he really likes to think he is an expert at this.

I recall how my MLCr was at the time. This is years ago so it's a little fuzzy, but as I remember it, she wanted to fix everyone she found. Fix the guy who's wife was a complete train-wreck and decided she was gay instead of wanting to be married. Fix the guy who wanted to cheat on his wife. Fix the girl who was an absolute train-wreck. The list goes on. I remember thinking that it seemed normal to me in the sense that she was looking to fix everyone's problem's BUT hers. To me, that seemed a way to avoid facing her own issues, yet still deal with them. Just through other people and their lives.

Kind of odd, but certainly not uncommon for many people to deal with it that way. "I have this friend who..." Or, "physician, first heal thyself."

He seems to act like he is having withdrawls. Interesting.

You sound like you're in a good place and glad you are. I know it's not easy, but you have a good view of things and I'm very glad to hear your baby and kids are doing well. That's very important

Peace,
AJ

[nero]

hey hi-

just been reading around- throwing in my two cents. yeah- what the heck IS IT ANYWAY WITH ALLLLLLLL the compliments and smarmie slathering on the "good news" with other people and we just "exist" apparently-

my h would choke if he ever had to pour the bs on my head that he saves for others!!!! s ayign this out loud tho- this is soemting i'm experiencing big ti me with my old mother too.

i swear- this NEUROSIS thing- sometimes i opine that she views me as someone she's forced to ask for help- hates it- so HAS TO dumpon me? soemthing like that - can't even formulate a bigger/better theory-

BUT SOMETHING LIKE THEY hate the person they need most and rely on most?

i''m not even sure it applies to my h and then my m for same3 reasons- i'm just sayin it's the same sort of behavior.

my very very reclusive and "thinks everyone in universe is a jerk" h - is pouring it on his step-relatives he was always sooooo disdainful of- all of a sudden they're alll worthy of all sorts of perks and compliments- it's soooo wierd to watch.

he's either changed into some real glommie- superficial - "hey whatta swell guy am I" kinda pewrson- or it is somehow like my mother - who can spread it on with a knife to anyone that comes around - BUT treats me like doormat.

i'm being accurate too- not even exaggerating. hering my mother telling someone they're "an angel" and "saving her" - this is merely a nurse or home health worker-

while i'm always "crabby " and "what's my problem" - even when i'm in a good mood and i know for a fact i'm not icky-

IT'S SOME WEIRED thing hooked up with them finding themselves in a bad place in life - I THINK.

JUST sayin -

don't even pretend to know how all this intertwangled psychosis junk works...

xxo best of luck as usual-

hope your day is good

[Raine]

I'm posting from a really strange place and on my phone. I kind of like this idea. Sort of like being on one's honeymoon and I'm trying to see all the weird and obscure places I can post an update from. Keep it interesting, right?!

Not too much has changed, or maybe it has, but just back at 2 o'clock on the perpetual cycle. He had a bit of an anxiety attack, me thinks, about a week ago when he couldn't get ahold of me for 20 mins. Imagine looking at your phone and seeing 22 missed calls, 4 text messages, 3 voice mails, two Facebook chat msg, a in game message, and a partridge in a pear tree. When he calls again and I answer, guess what he says? No c'mon guess. And the winner is, "Hey! How you doing?" He then talked to me for 20 mins straight. I barely was able to get a "uh huh" in between breathes. Once i got home he followed me so closely around the house I actually turned and bumped right into him. Finally I just sat on the couch for an hour and listened to more. All rambling talk about absolutely nothing important.

He has started getting jealous about some really innocent things involving me and he has turned the flirting on towards me. Problem is his flirting is not very sophisticated and anything I joke back just goes right over his head. Almost like he doesn't want to read too much into anything I say. He is apologizing for minor things and when he does, I can expect him to apologize for the same thing a few times.

He said something the other day that just sent me reeling. In my former life I probably would have ripped him to shreds. But unstead I just nodded and them was upset about it the rest of the night. It was about being exclusive with me when we were dating and he would have been very uncomfortable with either of us seeing other people at the same time. So dating = exclusive. Marriage = spread that love around. Got it.

He does not compliment me or like photos of me or makes any kind of pursuit, unless you count some of the childish stuff or motioning that he has a chair next to him for me. He is nice, and concerned, and wants to talk to me about absolutely everything. Well he doesn't talk about OW, so almost everything. C session for him this week. We will have to see how it goes.

As for me? I'm moving along. I'm more detached now than I was ever before. And maybe that's a scary thing, but it's also a bit exciting and fresh.

---

AJ, mon frere, hope life is treating you well. H is still being a fixer, but very funny he comes to me for advise and then retells that advise to his friends. He is talking a lot about being f'ed up, but nothing about fixing it. It just is. Way of life. My name is f'ed up, and that's the end of the story. But I think looking at others may be a good way for him to figure out how to help himself and what kind of life he really wants.

Nero, this: "my h would choke if he ever had to pour the bs on my head that he saves for others!!!!" Made me laugh out loud. You are so dang funny! I hope you're doing well. Keep that chin up!

[Wonka]

Raine,

It looks like your H is a misfit moth who clearly sees the light, but is wobbly in flying toward it with a several mini-crashes into the ground.

[Raine]

Heya Wonka. I guess if he can see the light at this point, I'll take that as a win, for now.

Not too much has happened to report. He has done some little connection things here and there. He sent me a private message with a song yesterday. He said that he was going to post it to his wall on FB, but he didn't want to send it to the world, because he knew how it would affect me. He was right. Basically about a heart being broken and "you fixed it." I try not to read too much into his songs, but I always do. Probably because they're so dead on. When he walks around singing you won't find love in a hole and it takes more than f'ing someone you don't know to keep warm...I mean how can I not? I guess every song is going to relate to rekindled love, broken love, and being f'ed up.

He had his C session. I haven't heard anything from him about it or really anything else. I'm just giving him space and keeping quiet, not asking him things.

[TSquared2]

Trying to divine what is in their minds from the entrails of song choices will drive you mad...lol...trust me, been that and done there.

Plus it is addicting...

Sounds like some cracks may be appearing in "The Wall"...Ha!

I think you are doing the right thing to let him approach you with any sharing of info from C...it can stir up stuff, unsettle things a bit. He will share when he has processed some of it, W did A LOT of that with me this late winter and early spring. We are still the most trusted, even if said status is unacknowledged, person in their lives.

Just keep being your most awesomeness-defined self, Raine...you're getting there, he is noticing, taking baby steps....

[Raine]

Hey everyone! Time to do a check in. School has started and I can't believe how much more crazy life has become because of that. But why not? Would it even be life if it wasn't crazy?

I've had some interesting talks with H lately. He is becoming more and more human, which ironically is very difficult for me, because as he becomes more and more human, the more I realize that there are internal things there that I've thought I have dealt with, but obviously haven't. And surprisingly enough, he is noticing when I go quiet, when I get pensive. He is asking and wondering why. He is ever the persistent temperature checker. And all that does is make it worse for me, because then I think, "Oh, so now he cares? Now he notices?"

He is more attentive than he has been in years, including helping around the house, with the kids, jumping in and taking over when I start doing something.

The bags are still packed in the closet, but he started going through them a few days ago and pulling stuff out. He told me he has found some things he was wondering where it was.

He is going with me to my family events and it is like nothing has ever happened. He is joking and hanging out with all of my family and making plans to do more. He is breaking plans with his new friends to go and hang out with members of my family.

We went to a concert again, and unlike the last time when he thought it would be good if I found someone else to go, this time he was messaging me to make sure he was invited. He also called me before he left work to tell me that he was having anxiety and that when he got home that if he was quiet, to just know it was not me and has nothing to do with me, that he was just triggered and he doesn't know why. That was a first. To warn me about it, to tell me about it, and to make sure I knew it had nothing to do with me. He said this multiple times to me.

The concert itself ended up being several firsts since BD. It was packed, and we were standing about 10 people back from the stage, completely squashed against the people around us. We were dancing against each other but as things started shifting he ended up three people away from me. Which is kind of annoying that he doesn't do anything about it. Just in his own world. I let it go for quite awhile, didn't show any emotion about it. But at one point I just looked at him and motioned him to come back and he had this look like "I dunno how" and I just reach between these two ladies and just grabbed his hand and pulled him back by our group again. When it was over, he was super close to me and just grabbed both my hands so we didn't get separated and held them against his sides. He wanted to make sure I got a shirt and waited in line for quite awhile after to get one.

On the way home we covered some pretty deep topics...things that had me spooked in a "did he really just say that..." kind of way.

In the car he said that tonight, the night of the concert he felt more like himself than he has in a very long time, but that it's not himself. It's not his old self, and he can never go back to being that person again. And he said he couldn't articulate what he was trying to say, so I jumped in. I said, "Do you mean there are parts of you old self and new parts that are coming together to form the real self?" And he said yes, that's it. But he needs to figure out what parts he wants to be him. And he said, that is really hard. It's going to be really hard to do. And I asked him why, and he changed the subject.

I don't really hold off as much anymore with him when I have a question, and like I'm going to let that one alone, so I waited five minutes and asked him again. And he said, "Oh did you miss that social queue when I changed the subject?" And I said, "Oh no I got it, but way to curious about it to let it go." He laughed and changed the topic again. So I dropped it. But at that point we started holding hands, the first time since BD, the first time in over a year. My guess is he is trying to figure out if and where I belong in his life and that's why he wouldn't say anything.

He talked about my family and said that he liked being with them. That he felt like they didn't judge him and that none of them had, except one person at one point, right after BD. At this point I just told him straight, "They are not judging you because they know that is important to me. They know it is what I want." I think he has no clue how much I have protected him from family, both his and mine, as well as friends and really everyone, gossip, etc. And frankly, it should be no surprise for him to be judged by others. He would be judging the heck out of someone else if they had done what he has.

He talked about the anxiety he had after going to counseling. He said it was like a deep massage where all the toxins come to the surface. He said it was really good for him but that he felt like crap after and the rest of the day and next.

H told the C that he has trust issues with everyone in his life and that he would have them with the C too. H said he went into it with a lot of hope like he was going to be fixed after one session. I said it took you awhile to get here. It's going to take some time to get out.

One more thing, H likes for me to hang out with him at night and I tend to fall asleep when I do. I hang out with him after the kids are in bed and listen to something in his room about 1-2 times a week. I think he likes this, but he does not touch me. So I don't know how much of it is he likes it and wants me there or if he thinks I like it and he is being there for me as a "it's the least I can do" kind of thing. When I wake up I just go up to the MBR, but he always asks me why I'm leaving, like wondering if I heard the baby. Or if he gets up and that wakes me up so I do, he says, "you don't need to go. I'll be right back." One time I left and he didn't wake up and the next morning he wanted to know if he had chased me off.

We are now at three months of him being back home. I still feel like everything is so far away, everything is touch and go and testing, but yet it's amazing to me to see where things are, compared to where they have been. I'm encouraged by that, to know at least things are moving. I'm not so concerned about the direction as long as we're not stagnant.

[RosaLinda]

Thanks for the update Raine. It sounds like your H is really coming along. So nice to hear of you two holding hands, dancing at a concert, relaxing in bed together. 

What a difference a couple of months has made!  

This is so interesting:"In the car he said that tonight, the night of the concert he felt more like himself than he has in a very long time, but that it's not himself. It's not his old self, and he can never go back to being that person again. And he said he couldn't articulate what he was trying to say, so I jumped in. I said, "Do you mean there are parts of you old self and new parts that are coming together to form the real self?"

that's a good explation you gave him. I wonder if all mLCers feel like that while they are ending the crisis - more like their old self but not exactly.... And I wonder how WE will feel when it's done. Like you saying you realized you thought you'd dealt with some internal things, then realized that you hadn't. What sort of things do you mean? I guess it's important to work it all out now, to our own satisfaction, to try to avoid falling into those same marital bear traps!

How old is your baby now? Are the big ones back in school?