Turtle Goddess she of the hard shell soft

[makingmagic]

Congrats MizJ ~ wonderful news !!!

[albamarie]

Good for you Miz, your an inspiration!

[Whiterose]

that's wonderful new!! CONGRATS

[beatrice]

You so deserve this - well done

[uRworthy]

Yay! Good on you, M. So, so happy for you.

[mizjjd]

rH, Dawn, RL, Portia, TS2, Snodderly, mm, Wr, bea, uRw


THANK YOU!!!

What a blessing to have so many people "on my side" and rejoicing with me! Thank you each and all so very much.

Boy this has been a busy and eventful week.

rH: Always love reading your posts. Humor, intellect, strength, you have it all! Why can't H see that?!?! You are so very kind. You are right I do have some "stuff" to offer - but maybe not to H's taste. For instance, he dislikes my "intellect". But that's ok. Different strokes for different folks - that's why there's so many flavors of ice cream, ya' know? Somebody out there MUST like bubblegum ice cream because they keep making it. Make mine chocolate peanutbutter

D. Marie: Oh Mizj, I know exactly how you feel. I have kept way too much about myself secret, and about my M for so long that may have been part of the problem. Maybe I started to believe in the facade.

I'm so sorry you have to be sad alone sometimes, so do I (all the time), I have balled like a baby in my car. Sometimes, I found myself in my closet just because I knew nobody could hear me.

Those days are over for me, I pray they are over or becoming less frequent for you, we deserve to be happy again.


The more I learn about you the more kindred you seem. I have never had a problem with being "alone". In fact, I often prefer it. (This is one of H's issues with me. "Oh look the neighbor lady is out walking. You should go walking with her." But I LIKE my solitary walks.) But then sometimes, this pattern does come back at me. Times like now maybe.

I don't cry as much as I used to - thank heavens. And when I do its not epic anymore. But man those tears are always there now. A river running just behind my eyes.

So glad to hear your crying days are over/ending.

RL:I am unfortunately the opposite of you, and will pour out my soul at a drop of a hat. Not a good way to be at all. Both "ways" have benefits and deficits. You are warm and sunny, very approachable. In person people often find me cold or even arrogant. I don't mean to be! I'm just quiet, especially at first. Then I crack a joke - and the people who had forgotten I was there whip their heads around wondering "where that came from". Lol. But I am uncomfortable with too much attention which can be "not a good way to be at all". I made my boss laugh the other day and she looked right at me and told me she thought I was great. Lord. I wanted to crawl under the desk. (Damn you sense of humor!) But I have learned to return the eye contact, smile and say thank you. Then when she leaves I put my head down and breathe.

Portia: Do you think that attitude means that they have no true remorse for hurting us? Guilt, but not remorse. I need to see the remorse - so far nothing. With all the water under the bridge, I will not even be friends if GF is in the picture.

Sending you hugs!

I think the attitude is one of self-protection. If they acknowledge the pain they have caused it will hurt them - nearly as badly as we have been hurt. Maybe even worse because they know they willfully caused the pain. So perhaps they acknowledge the wrong on a surface level "Oops, my bad" but cannot allow themselves the empathy and remorse we seek. They would have to sacrifice themselves in a way. Which would in turn make them exposed and vulnerable.

I completely understand your unwillingness to be friends with XSO. Have you ever listened to Kirsty Maccoll? Below is an excerpt from one of her songs.

Wrong Again by Kirsty Maccoll

And now you tell me you love someone else
And that life's too complicated
And you throw me a cliché like "we'll still be friends"
Well mister, you're wrong again

Cause my friends are people who love me
Not like you, not like you
And they try to take good care of me
They wouldn't hurt me like you do
Will I ever get smart, once again I'm the fool
To let you be so unnecessarily cruel

And now you tell me you love someone else
I was just light entertainment
Did you think you would cause me no pain?
Wrong again, wrong again

(((hugs))) to you as well Diamond child

******************************************************************************************************************************

Returned home from a soccer game last night (Win 3-2) to find a letter from D19. It was an awesome letter. It said all the things I would hope to hear. She never ever wants to be in jail again. She wants to live differently. She loves me. She thinks I am a great mom. There goes the river splashing over the banks again. Ahem.

Of course, as sincere as I know she is right now, the proof will be in the pudding upon her release. She will have a lot of hard work to do to change her behavior patterns.

On the H front I must be doing something right. He said to me last night, "I don't know what's wrong with you lately". (I take that as a helping of pudding-proof!)

He said that because we were both sitting on the couch last night. H watching TV, me writing a letter to D19. An ad came on for a "free" golf club.

H "Call that."

J "My phone's in the kitchen."

H "Well go get it"

J "I'm busy. You go get it."

H "I don't know what's wrong with you lately." - and he goes and gets the phone

But its still hard. Even not wanting to be with this man anymore. Even acknowledging that what I require is not within him to give. Even with the OW and the pain of betrayal, its still hard to "detach".

I have started the Munson book. She said something about learning to not want. That made a lot of sense to me. If some sliver of me didn't still want a life with H then I don't think this would all be so hard.

BTW, I recommend the book I just finished. Wild by Cheryl Strayed. It appealed to me because it details Cheryl's 3 month walk (alone) on the Pacific Crest Trail in an attempt to deal with her mother's death and the break up of her marriage. While she is/was in a different place from me both geographically and behaviorally (she was the one who cheated) the book proved to be thought provoking and illuminating. She sought forgiveness both for and from herself.

Have to run! Work and then a football game

A thousand more thank yous to all my lovely friends who "bother" with me. Take care of yourselves and have a wonderful weekend.

[RosaLinda]

I am so happy that you received that letter from your D19 J, and hope and pray that she institutes the changes she sees that she needs to make. Like I told you, that happened to my S38 when he was around her age, and being thrown in jail really did change his life. But it could have gone the opposite way too; he told me that he could have hooked up with enough drug dealers to keep him supplied with drugs for the rest of his life. One of my disability law clients called me yesterday to let me know that she is signing herself into a drug rehab program. She got hooked on prescription pain medication after a horrific car accident, and said the same sort of thing as D19, that she realizes that only she can turn her life around, and at age 30, it's about time. I'm glad it didn't take as long for our own kids!

You are introspective, deep thinking, kind, caring, intelligent, and damn FUNNY J, why would your boss NOT think you are great! I'm glad you did not crawl under your desk, and said thank you! Good on you Mz. J. I always was one of those women who feel compelled to negate complements with negative comments. The "You look pretty in that dress" - "Thanks but it's an old rag and I really need to lose 5 pounds" syndrome. I read something once that resonated with me, that the complement-er's opinion has nothing to do with how you perceive yourself, it is how he or she perceives you. So even if you really do think your dress is an old rag, if you argue against their statement, you are really telling the complement-er "I think you are wrong, I think you are stupid."

J "I think the attitude is one of self-protection. If they acknowledge the pain they have caused it will hurt them - nearly as badly as we have been hurt. Maybe even worse because they know they willfully caused the pain. So perhaps they acknowledge the wrong on a surface level "Oops, my bad" but cannot allow themselves the empathy and remorse we seek. They would have to sacrifice themselves in a way. Which would in turn make them exposed and vulnerable."

Interesting perspective. My previous MC back in 2010 told me that a MLCer becomes a wonderful spouse if he or she wakes up from their MLC because he or she sees and recognizes the destruction and pain he or she has caused to their family and spouse. My C said that it is my choice to stand or leave, but once my H has faced the pain he has caused, he will become a great H, and it is my choice as to whether I want him to be my great H or EA#1's great H.

I know some MLCers never escape from the tunnel, never wake up. I wonder if that is because they cannot face the fact that they "willfully caused the pain" and so keep rationalizing their actions to excuse their behavior instead of facing up to it, and deciding to live their lives differently.

Sort of like.....a 19 year old who got thrown into jail! And thank you J for "bothering" with me too. Love you! Did you change your mind about Jaye?

[hoper]

Hey mz j,
Great news😃 , so happy for you !

[mizjjd]

H is springing R talks on me right and left of late.

How I have spent years destroying our marriage.

How he cannot give up OW.

How I am a pessimist because I prepare for him to not ever give up OW.

And I tell him I hope for the best, prepare for the worst because I cannot live each day in suspenseful wonderment of which way his heart/mind might be leaning.

And what about me? H asks.

What about you?

I too have to prepare for the worst H says.

I realize I don't know what that means to him, so I ask.

He tells me the worst to him would be to not be "here".

Utter confusion in my face. He actually blushes.

Says "I can't explain it."

Probably good because I'm sure I couldn't understand it anyway.

Peace to all. And prayers. MIL is back in the hospital... H may be home-bound very soon.

D19 still in jail.

Me? Living the dream.

[reachingHigher]

Awww...mizjjd....it's rough....

Thinking of you.

You're the sane one

rH