My H wants me to do things for him but I think he feels its some how better for him if he doesn't have to ask. Like he loses points? Or worse, like I might have something to offer him - lol. So he either orders me to do things or follows up his desire with "if you want to." Recently, not due to anything specific, the camel called "if you want to" suffered a broken back! Now I say "Of course! If you could just ask nicely " Sometimes this works and sometimes it just pisses him off. H says "you are ridiculous! what difference does it make if I say things one way or another?" I tell him it makes a difference to me. My motto....stop letting the crazy guy control my house The inmates have taken over!! I hear you lol.
RL: "couldn't facing the life changes and issues that enable a person to escape from MLC as a whole intact improved (I would assume moral) individual, also cause that individual to see that serial cheating is wrong?" Bringing that to the next level, to happily spend the rest of his life asking nicely for things? To be willing to be beholden to you because you love each other and that is what married people do? My vote is YES. There's so much for my H to do it reminds me of the Tasks of Hercules. FIRST, no OW. Not even as a friend. SECOND, Recognize the damage done by cheating. The "Its no big deal" attitude is possibly more painful to me than the cheating itself. THIRD Be frikkin nice to me. Listen when I talk. Be a little interested in MY LL. As you observed H does seem committed in his way - but he also seems like a smart dog that doesn't bite the hand that feeds it too. I have set such a precedent of accommodation, and it would be somewhat a hassle to leave, so why go?
Do you have a DB coach or IC? Goodness no. Lol, honey I am broke. Although I've been broke for so long maybe I should change that to poor? BUT, not broke/poor enough for public assistance.
However, in the spirit of honesty, I should reveal that other than this very forum, I'm not terrific at talking about myself. I'm terrific at keeping secrets - especially about me. I have tried Cs a couple of times and when we progressed past the factual/history stuff I was rendered speechless. Can't fathom spending money to go cry for an hour. I can cry in my car for free. And I do.
Someone you can pour your heart out to? My brother's XGF is probably the closest to this. We became close last summer when my brother started his own trip down MLC lane. I also have a friend in this area, but she sadly is going through her own M troubles too. I've had to sort of distance myself from her, which I feel lousy about, but keeping myself up takes all my energy some days. Said friend is the submissive person I referenced in an earlier post. She's in so much pain and is so very down. Poor girl. So she is not a candidate for my troubles as well as her own.
A FB alias? Jaye DB
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Always love reading your posts. Humor, intellect, strength, you have it all! Why can't H see that?!?!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
I'm terrific at keeping secrets - especially about me.
Can't fathom spending money to go cry for an hour. I can cry in my car for free. And I do.
Oh Mizj, I know exactly how you feel. I have kept way too much about myself secret, and about my M for so long that may have been part of the problem. Maybe I started to believe in the facade.
I'm so sorry you have to be sad alone sometimes, so do I (all the time), I have balled like a baby in my car. Sometimes, I found myself in my closet just because I knew nobody could hear me.
Those days are over for me, I pray they are over or becoming less frequent for you, we deserve to be happy again.
I would like in on that FB alias, but I can't find you.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Gotcha J, however I do not see you as a prickly hedgehog albeit a cute smiling one my friend.
J "However, in the spirit of honesty, I should reveal that other than this very forum, I'm not terrific at talking about myself. I'm terrific at keeping secrets - especially about me"
I am unfortunately the opposite of you, and will pour out my soul at a drop of a hat. Not a good way to be at all. But I do not pour out my soul to my H. He just is not interested. And it is strange but I cannot remember whether he was interested 4 years ago or not. The past years spent in the MLC wasteland seem like a lifetime.
I cry a lot in bed, in my car, in the shower. The shower is good as you're getting wet anyway. I guess all of us are different, but I feel a lot better after crying and after telling someone my problems, whether in person or on this forum. I get it off my chest and most of the time it's gone. Until next time..... I'm sorry you really haven't had anyone to talk to, but now you will! Lots!
J "There's so much for my H to do it reminds me of the Tasks of Hercules. FIRST, no OW. Not even as a friend. SECOND, Recognize the damage done by cheating. The "Its no big deal" attitude is possibly more painful to me than the cheating itself. THIRD Be frikkin nice to me. Listen when I talk. Be a little interested in MY LL. As you observed H does seem committed in his way - but he also seems like a smart dog that doesn't bite the hand that feeds it too. I have set such a precedent of accommodation, and it would be somewhat a hassle to leave, so why go?"
No those are not herculean tasks. I think all except maybe #3 will come about naturally when his MLC is over. You'd think that #3 would come naturally, but maybe not if he is not a naturally nice and giving person. But maybe he just does not realize how his words and actions sound to other people. Once I was speaking to S27, ticked off about something or other, and afterwards my H told me that I was really talking down to him like he was a little kid, not a man. Of course he was acting like a little kid, but that was not excuse. I think you are going to go a long way with #3 as you remind H to ask you nicely for things. Hopefully it will sink in!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
One of the many things I have found comfort in this Board is for unloading. I am generally a very private person. But after a few months, even my closest most trusted friends' eyes would start to glaze over and as a consequence, I minimize talking about my situation unless specifically asked. Even my twice divorced aunt could not muster up any sympathy for me. She said, "Well, you're long distance anyway."
If you have no other "safe place", you know you always have one here. Even better, you know that we understand what you are going through.
I think your "Wish list" is a healthy list describing a healthy relationship which is what we all want and strive for. We realistically recognize that no relationship is perfect and we're willing to play along, but I agree with you that just because H is comfortable and in the house, isn't enough for you.
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There's so much for my H to do it reminds me of the Tasks of Hercules. FIRST, no OW. Not even as a friend. SECOND, Recognize the damage done by cheating. The "Its no big deal" attitude is possibly more painful to me than the cheating itself.
Can't agree with this more. The profound disrespect that this attitude shows has been the most difficult for me to put away and to forgive. Do you think that attitude means that they have no true remorse for hurting us? Guilt, but not remorse. I need to see the remorse - so far nothing. With all the water under the bridge, I will not even be friends if GF is in the picture.
Congratulations! This is wonderful news! Next month is less than 2 weeks away! I am very, very happy for you!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
How are you doing?
