Not New to This Anymore

[steveh27]

Since my last trip to visit a good friend, I've had a complete turn around. The trip was both a getaway and also a time to reflect without the family. I missed them. I had "opportunities" to forget about the W during this trip and I did not indulge. I couldn't. I was scared ... not sure why .. but I think my heart is not going to move on easily.

Returning home - I had a talk with the W and apologized for some behavior that was, I believe, a phase in dealing with a WAS and the hurt and protective feelings you go through during the early stages of grieving a marriage. I was angry, still am, but I was doing things that was not helping my cause. (ie. creating separate bank accounts, saying guilt provoking things, just being an a$$ in general). Now was the W pushing buttons and cornering me into conversations I did not want to have, yes. But at the end of the day I was just not handling this very well for someone that wants to still save their M.

So the W took the kids to visit her sister for a couple of days. Again more time to reflect, although I could've used this time to do some GAL'ing, except for one night, the schedule didn't really coincide with friends as it was in the middle of the week. I came home to an empty house and watched some movies and made the best of it. I made the mistake of watching the movie crazy, stupid love. DO NOT DO THIS!!!! I was a blubbering idiot for most of it but I couldnt stop watching.

So the W and kids came back. It was nice to have a house full but I know my future will not have this in it more than 50% of the time, so I should start getting used to it.

My attitude has changed a complete 180 since the talk with the W. We are communicating better than we have in a long time, making jokes with one another, looking at apartment brochures/floor plans together with the kids, having dinner as family. One night, the kids were all at friends houses for sleep overs, the W came home around 9:00pm from her BFF's where they had a drink and a movie. We both decided to go to bed early and we ended up watching TV and talking about nothing in general. She seemed in a good mood, and I wondered if she was thinking of more (ie. intimacy), we were up for another 2-3 hours or so, which is rare. It just had that awkward, nervous feeling you have with a new girlfriend ... and I sensed it with her. Nothing happened as I didnt feel comfortable broaching the subject ... but she did sleep closer to me that night and let her body touch mine for periods of time. This was never the case before as she would sleep with her back to me and clinging her side of the bed. We have a king size bed, plenty of room, so this was something that tweaked my thoughts a bit.

This new turnaround for me has also helped having a more PMA, as it is a whole lot easier being nice than angry all the time. Do I have days when my emotions get to me, absolutely, but now I go to a different room, let it out and move on. However this turns out, I hope I AM able to move on, it's hard to see through the trees right now.