I could really use any advice on how to DR in my situation with a wife that will not stop her affair. How should I act? I understand I should be the better choice if she had to make one but It is really hard for me. I am terrible at hiding my emotions. Should I let her get close? Should we still have sex? Should we still do things together? I feel like a doormat accepting and enabling her to continue her affair with a smile on my face. She is having this passionate physical love affair and then she comes home to me and our family as a safe comfortable place. I could really use some help on something specific.
Well, I would start by pretty much NOT doing what you've been doing so far, I'm sorry to say. Your passive-aggressive approach (spying, confronting, and yet still pursuing her and even having sex with her) is NOT a good way to DB.
For starters, I hope to God you are using protection if you are still having sex with her? You are risking your own health here, and I hope you are being smart about this.
Even if you are (using protection), you are still saying with your actions "I am OK with this; I am willing to live in an open marriage." Your wife continues to carry on her affair for the same reason dogs lick themselves (sorry to be so blunt, but I'm trying to get your attention here).
A woman caught up in affair is basically waffling back and forth between three options:
1. Leave my husband, and go be with my affair partner.
2. End my affair, and go back and work on my marriage with my husband.
3. Continue my affair, expressing occasional remorse and false promises to end it, keeping my husband as "Plan B."
What you need to do is take Choice #3 off the table.
Your story struck me because it was almost exactly six years ago to the date that I learned of MY wife's affair (I found out about it on May 27th). I'm happy to report that we DID reconcile our marriage, and have since enjoyed our 25th wedding anniversary, our 50th birthdays, and the birth of our granddaughter, and today our marriage is very strong.
You still have a shot here, but you've got to stop leading with your EMOTIONS, and instead come up with a PLAN. You are smothering her with your pursuit and snooping and confronting, and then supplicating her by having sex with her. You're all over the map (most of us are when in our sitch).
