Because I have been on the receiving side and it suks.
When my x told me that a big reason why she took space from me was because she realized she couldn't be around me and treat me well. I thought to myself "that makes sense.. But that would have been awesome to know a year ago"
But maybe she didn't know then.
Regardless though.. I just don't want to do what she did to me. It didn't feel loving.. Because it wasn't.
And maybe I shouldn't.. But I do still love my x very much. I don't owe her wife status or even friend status.. But she does deserve my loving actions.
There are so many times I have seen people just pull away. No explanation or at best no opportunity to talk after the email. And I see the hearts hurting on both sides. It hardly ends the way intended.
I don't think I'm making excuses.. But maybe I'm not making sense either.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Passive aggressive: "Sure, lunch sounds great." Then, not showing up.
Direct: "Thanks for the invitation, that doesn't work for me. Although I care about you as a person, I find right now that I need space from you. Please respect this need."
What is it that you really seek to have happen at the meeting?
asking for distance and then waiting to have a discussion about it seems like there is something to discuss when, if you need distance, there really is no discussion.
Thanks guys. I appreciate all the feedback... and I do here you.
I guess there are things to discuss.
That her coming back into my life is confusing for me. She treats me like we just met last week vs two people who were married and share alot of negatives in our marriage. I have forgiven.. not forgotten.
And even though I know I do believe in not beating people up for the things they have done, I can't just turn off my fears. And she can't just say things to me w/o at least considering that they might be triggers for me.
I'm just gonna put it in God's hands though.. caz I can't think this thing to death any more.
What will be.. will be. If our meeting ends up being a mistake, I will learn just how I have learned from my other mistakes.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
*From here* it looks like your actual plan is to be passive aggressive/manipulative.
V: Hi X, great to see you. I'm a great person for agreeing to meet with you, but I don't want to have any contact with you anymore because it just hurts me too much:
---Which you seem to want to yield something like...---
V's X: Oh sweetheart, I am sooo sorry I have been so insensitive. I am a terrible person. Please please please let me try harder. I owe you so much compassion and tenderness. How can I ever make up for the terrible pain I caused you? Please give me a chance to grovel!!!
--- So, odds are, things won't play out that way. (Hopefully not, as it would not be good for you, really.) Rather, you'd more likely get:
V's X: Yeah, OK, whatever. I was just trying to be nice and all I get is this drama + guilting. I should have learned by now.
----
Here is something for you: IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. It is YOUR job to avoid triggers and to learn to cope with them. It is not anyone else's job to do so. Managing your emotional health is in no way part of XW's job or moral responsibilities.
----
Here's a story for you... In my previous sex-starved M, I was enraged when staying at a hotel when the people next door were having headboard banging sex. I have no idea who they were, I never saw them, it happened once. Yet, I was traumatized, I felt violated. It was horrible for me. I couldn't believe that people could be so horrible and intrusive and insensitive.
Of course, that was pretty crazy of me. There is nothing really wrong about a couple having sex. Perhaps it might have been more considerate to be quieter, maybe. But certainly having sex in a hotel room is not a serious trespass against someone in another hotel room. Geez. It is pretty clear that hearing hot sex triggered me because of all the pain I felt about having a nearly sexless marriage for years.
It would not be reasonable, though, for me to hold the couple responsible for triggering me, or to ask them not to trigger me.
If they were playing extremely loud music in the middle of the night, banging the headboard against the wall, and screaming, then sure, I would have a legitimate complaint.
But, that is because it is a reasonable expectation to be able to sleep at night in a hotel room. This is very different than feeling others are guilty of some harm to me simply because they trigger me. They are MY triggers, my responsibility.
The moral of the story is of course: Get off the idea that XW should do anything to manage your triggers at all. If she is rude or unkind, call her on it. If being around her triggers you, then it is YOUR responsibility to avoid that trigger.
----
What things are there to discuss? It might be helpful to figure out what you want from the meeting, and them frame it in clear, direct, transparent, "I" statements.
V: XW, when I am around you, I find myself triggered to relive trauma. I am sad because I love you and would like for us to have a healthy relationship. I find myself blaming you for triggering me, but it is really my choice to expose myself to things that you do innocently but which trigger me. So, to take care of my own emotional health, I need to ... (which among these or others might it be???)
---ask for my wish for no contact to be respected. ---ask if you are willing to hear me share when I have been triggered as this might allow some healing in our relationship. ---ask if you can nevertheless mind read and predict the future so that you can carefully avoid doing anything that might trigger me ---ask if you will express deep remorse and regret repeatedly and pat my back and hold me and make me feel better ---ask you to wake up and come back to me ---ask you to show me all your guilt and shame --- ask you to work on some communication ground rules for respectful communication and respectful disagreement with me
What is it you seek? --------
I'm pushing because I don't think you are being straight with yourself.
I heard this recently... "My therapist said, when we say 'I don't know' about what we want, we really DO know." This struck me as very, very true.
^^^I came back here today because i was going to right something along these same lines.
OT said it beautifully. I have nothing to add other than your last 2 posts seem very un-Val like. This tells me the situation must be really difficult for you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
OT - thanks. This is what I would like to say. and highlighted area reasons.
----------
V: XW, when I am around you, I find myself triggered to relive trauma. I am sad because I love you and would like for us to have a healthy relationship. I find myself blaming you for triggering me, but it is really my choice to expose myself to things that you do innocently but which trigger me. So, to take care of my own emotional health, I need to ... (which among these or others might it be???)
---ask for my wish for no contact to be respected. - I feel like I need this one, but I really in no way want it. ---ask if you are willing to hear me share when I have been triggered as this might allow some healing in our relationship. - I would really enjoy this one. ---ask if you can nevertheless mind read and predict the future so that you can carefully avoid doing anything that might trigger me ---ask if you will express deep remorse and regret repeatedly and pat my back and hold me and make me feel better - she already has. She doesn't need to do it again. ---ask you to wake up and come back to me - absolutely not here. ---ask you to show me all your guilt and shame - no that has no place in our new relationship. --- ask you to work on some communication ground rules for respectful communication and respectful disagreement with me I really enjoy this one too.
What is it you seek? --------
I'm pushing because I don't think you are being straight with yourself.
I heard this recently... "My therapist said, when we say 'I don't know' about what we want, we really DO know." This struck me as very, very true.
What do you want from this meeting?
honestly - I want to know if I can trust her to be different..
I want us to be different. Not romantically involved.. just different. I don't want to be the victim, but I don't want her to get hostile when I express my feelings.
We have a history that plays into our interactions. I want to work at changing that.. but I don't want to do it alone.
Intellectually - I get from this day forward. I get that forgiveness is a daily process. I get all of it, but I'm scared sh!tless.
How do I do that and protect my heart?
When my friends trigger me (because they remind me of her) I can sit there an intellectually say - yes Val - but they are not her.. they love you. They are here for you.
And they are. Yes the work is ON me, but I do not work through this trial alone. I'm going to fail for awhile. I'm not healed. I have not broken my co-dependent ways.
I can't say ANY of that when she does. All that comes up is - Don't be an idiot Val and fall for the same thing the 1000th time.
Or if you say anything - she will get uncomfortable and run.
Am I'm struggling to take the risk with HER. She isn't a new person with a clean slate, she is someone who has validated my fears for years.
I'm sure she has similar feelings.
Is that fair to her? Absolutely not.
But how do I express all of that without making her the villain. I'm asking seriously.
Everyone will say time - and I agree that it helps.. but is that what I really need here or do I need to grow a set and dig down and grow?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
