Getting back on the horse gracefully....

[Valeska19]

Thanks SpecialK.

It's been a he!! of a week. A great deal of time has been spent looking deep in the mirror. It hasn't been pleasant.. not. one. bit.

I've made some decisions and I have committed to them.

I've decided with new friend (call her NF so people don't get confused) that I am going to stop initiating contact. That does not mean that I won't be loving and responsive when she does contact me. That doesn't mean that I won't say yes when she asks to make plans... I just realized that I was being an enabler.

By reaching out most of the time, I am enabling NF to stay exactly where she is. She struggles with flakeness. She struggles with making plans.. how does me making all the plans and contacts help her? It doesn't.

It also just makes it frustrating to me. As if me reaching out all the time teaches her anything. There is a time to teach people how you want to be treated. And there is a time to just accept that they can't treat you that way.. and adjust.

I am adjusting.

I may never serve as a person who inspires that change in her life. That is okay. But I need to move forward still.

This has been difficult as there have been lots of funny moments and things I've wanted to share. It's been painful.

And the pain continues as I have scheduled a meeting with X for this Saturday.. in which I will asking for distance.

She has confirmed her g/f (not by me asking) and it has been the final 2x4 that I needed to realize that I am not healed.

Our communication has brought up so many triggers for me. Although I realize that these are things that I need to deal with. Dealing with them this often and about so many issues - really has taken a toll on my emotions.

I am still standing. I refuse to blame XW and use my victim mindset to stop me from growing... but I need to do it on my timeline not hers.

And there is a difference between blaming someone and holding them accountable.

We cannot have this simple friendship that she is portraying. As if nothing happened. She broke her trust with me. Although the forgiveness has happened and I know the bridge can be mended.. It will NEVER be the same.. and it can't appear from nowhere.

It would be one thing if I thought she was acting with the attitude "Val, I broke your trust - how I can I repair it".. but I don't think that is her truth. Even if it was - I still don't know if I am ready for it.

I think her truth is that she misses me and when that is strong enough, she reaches out.

I am a ghost to her. Not kept in the past, but not in her present.

I can't be a ghost. It enables her to stay exactly where she is. To not make the decision to earn my trust but to think that what we share now is okay.

It seems that I am back in the trenches of my divorce where time and time again - I was showing XW how she couldn't treat me. Time and time again - I had to show her tough love.

And maybe what is ^^^^ can be read as me trying to teach these ladies something..

But it's not about teaching them something. It's about teaching ME something. That enabling folks is not supporting them. Accepting their behavior does not mean playing into it.

It's about me re-teaching myself that enabling folks are NOT loving actions.

It's about me going back to loving the Sh!t out of folks and sometimes that means making the hard uncomfortable decisions that are ahead of me.

The last 24 hours I was frustrated with myself that I had slipped back into my "co-dependent" mindset.

But I remind myself that you can't have the Phoenix without the fire.. and I'm just not out of the fire yet.