better to love or be loved?

[Underdog]

Will,

realizing that I too have issues that maybe I don't want to acknowledge.

Well, this is a good place to start. Denial ain't a river in Egypt and now is as good a time to make yourself a newer, happier version of you. I kind of had to laugh when you posted your H said it was nothing you did and all him. That's a bunch of BS. He just doesn't want to share that with you. Why not? Because you might interpret his desire to share the real reasons as an invitation to actively work on them and feel hopeful.

Like you, I have a developmentally disabled teenage daughter. So does Barb (SunFunOne). I know firsthand how much stress it puts on a marriage and family overall. You may not want to see it as the cause (I don't), but the very nature of their needs force the parents to go into survival mode. Once that happens, the nurturing stops.

I've been a smart aleck my whole life. But I have NEVER been a mean one. If your "smartie pants" personality has you making fun of anyone, it's bullying. How do you think your kids felt when they saw you making fun of their dad and his job?

Look, my purpose isn't to get you to feel shame. My purpose is that it's really simple to stop those behaviors. Ask yourself how you'd feel on the other side of any of your comments. Ask yourself how your kids might see your actions if they were watching a movie of you.

I have been sarcastic my whole life as well. My XH told me in our 1st round of counseling that he hated it. I felt it was part of my personality and didn't really take his feelings into consideration. So 5 years later, it was in the top 5 of his most hated things about Betsey list that I received. You might ask why sarcasm is THAT bad of a sin.

It confuses people. They don't often know if it's a passive aggressive way of disguising true feelings.

What made me change? When my XH moved out, my then 7 year old daughter told me that my anger scared her and my sarcasm made her feel confused. THAT was enough for me to change.

I'm still mildly sarcastic - but only in circumstances that are amusing and they are not masks to my feelings. I use it sparingly. A little bit goes a long way.

I'm one of those people who lived in limbo for 2 years until he filed for D. It gave me every opportunity to work on myself and the behaviors that I needed to change to be a happier person. I DB'd my butt off. I don't regret giving him that time because it literally cooled everyone off. But I hated living in limbo. It's not the panacea you might think. My kids were far younger than yours (7 and 4) when their dad moved out. I *needed* to give them a shot of getting their family back.

If you have any compassion for this man, you'll do the work, Will. You hurt him and now he doesn't want you. So be it. He hasn't made that his final word by his actions so use the bought time and just focus on you and those kids.

BTW, I need to say this: I know you aren't 100% responsible for the mess you're in. He's apparently got his own issues and negative traits. I'm sure the list of his transgressions according to you is also there so he doesn't get a free pass.

But since he wants out and you don't, changing how you think, feel and act is now in your court.

In the meantime, I have to agree with Ellie that you need to contact a lawyer. You have a special needs kid to consider and in the very, very near future you are going to have to establish guardianship and make arrangements for HER. With your separation not defined, you need to get that defined and stat.

Legal separation in Colorado means squat. So we didn't do it. However, we hired a mediator to work on the parenting time, and support terms. Then when he filed for D, we converted all our work into the D. The first task our mediator assigned to us was to get a special needs trust set up for our now D16. It took a couple months and about $1000.

Don't see this as an obstacle or a death knell. See it as a safeguard for your family. A document of the terms of engagement going forward. Use it as a means to address the unknowns you fear.

I wasn't a SAHM because I was always afraid of not having power and a lack of income. (Childhood baggage.) You shouldn't see this as something to fear. If your H died, you'd have to do everything anyway, so take on the task of learning how to manage a household with appreciation and excitement. You'll feel better about you knowing you can do it.

We used to have a saying here way back when. Stop looking at his train wreck and start focusing on cleaning up your own. You've got enough stuff on your plate that requires your focus and all your attention, so get busy.

Just ask BA - nobody likes a complainer.

That doesn't mean we're not here to support you, but you have to put your money where your mouth is.

So I'll say it instead of Linda and I won't feel bad for asking: what ARE the things you know he didn't like in your M? What are the behaviors you demonstrated that made him feel the way he feels now? I'd bring that list into your IC and ask for help in changing the ones that present you in an unflattering light to the world.

Hey, we're all works in process Will. But like BA, I'm a much happier person for being forced to take this route and shed light on some of the personality traits I had that were not conducive to a marriage. Do it for you. Do it for your kids. No matter what happens, you'll be better off having learned the lessons. Trust us on that.

Good luck! And for goodness sake, I hope you're getting some sleep. I know for sure that being sleep deprived certainly contributed to the demise of my own marriage. I don't think either one of us made good decisions in a fog. You've got a tough road with your 15 year old, so hope you take a big e-hug from me.

Take care--

Betsey