Living in the Now(or how Ruby got her groove back)

[JuneReN]

What if H put his feelers out and you didn't take the bait? What if you resisted and he started to feel like you were moving away from him for good?

He would shut down and assume I didn't want him in my life. This I know. But I am going to try to change this dynamic a bit. Don't ask how, but started today a bit to see if this will work for me. In my journal post

I think at some point, you said something to the effect that you told H that you might be a WAS at this point.

It was a confession from me. Not control. Control would have been not telling him because he has so much guilt from leaving. He said it made him fell less guilty. But I didn't come to the realization that I was distancing myself until recently. The dynamic in the marriage was not healthy and I know the shock of BD made me realize I loved my H, but he already was gone at that point. Whereas I was just starting that road.

I am going to look into push-pull and co-dependency. I have been thinking about that last one a lot these days.

[JuneReN]

Date with NG went well. BBQ joint, so it was a test right there lol!
Talked for four hours about everything under the sun, but it got a little quiet at the end. However, turns out we were both exhausted from a long week lol.

I left thinking "I'm not sure, nice guy etc.", but I was tired. He texted an hour later and said I was"stunning and very sweet...a dangerous combo". lol! Asked if he could see me again...

honestly, two things I do not get called and it made me smile. Have another date Friday, we will see. We know about each other's exes and I explained how H and I still do things and are good friends. I was pretty authentic and he still wants to see me again, so as I said, we will see.


H texts this morning (i knew he would, he knew I had date)

Asks if I am running with group today-he is. Texts several times (I am asleep)

Says- you must be asleep, mad or still on date lol

Me- just got up and yes running today. I will park and give you a shout and we can walk up. if you are not running, just let me know.

More chatter

H-and don't worry about the fall, I am staying here, so you have a place to stay.

I ignore this. It has nothing to do with previous few lines of text, so I answer to a previous comment instead. This is what I am trying different. It doesn't require an answer, it is a fishing statement for me to bite, and I am not.

Talk about S17, who starts school today, moved out on Sunday into city for a while

H text- dying to ask, said I wouldn't but.....

Me- Went fine. Going out again. Not sure, but not shutting door.

H- It's a step....

Then he goes on to say what he really came to say. Had major meltdowns yesterday with NGF, he doesn't see long term anymore. She has two small babies. Looking for a father figure for her girls. She had lunch with her ex yesterday and now H is staying where he is and sticking to his plan. That I have permission to smack him, next time he falls off the cart.

Me-All I have to say is it is your path and ultimately you walk this how you walk this. Kind of blah, I know, but it is what it comes down to.

So I do not validate or question or try to find deeper meaning. Commiserate or joke. I am there, but not engaging.

H- says he tells NGF if she doesn't want to be with him, fine, but don't go back to ex, be alone (hah! that's great advice from H, lmao) or find someone who loves you and fits your life. She says his heart is too big.

H- says to me that we always communicate now at the right level.

Okay, I blow it slightly here and say that his comment about wanting someone who can be a father is dead on. That H is the full package and she knows he would be a good father.....

That was just a little sneaky of me, because I know that the very VERY last thing H wants is small kids. Any kids.

H- oh sure, everyone loved me, they just didn't want to stay with me.

I say..."Ummmm excuse me?"

H-ya sure, new Ruby...

I just replied that I was willing to work on the marriage, but I don't know if I would have grown like this if we had and I really like who I am.

We continue on chatting about incidentals and that is it.


So I am trying to pull away a little. I won't initiate texts, but will answer. Won't offer up anything unless asked specifically. No advice.

I know exactly why "no one wants to stay". The most intriguing part is if he will ever figure it out

[JuneReN]

Clarification...when H said "we always communicate at right level" He was talking about him and I, not NGF and him....

[labug]

Ruby, I would just like to see what your path looks like.


How do you know he would shut down? And would that be a bad thing? Who would it be bad for?

What's your biggest fear?

[JuneReN]

THis is the thing Bug, I don't think any of us know our paths, but I speak for me when I say that I certainly know when I have fallen off of it. If you go through the posts (for the love of God, no one has that time) you can see specific instances where I did and what it took to continue walking.

Do I have goals? Absolutely; Finish Masters', be kinder and more forgiving toward myself, like people for who they are, not who I want them to be. Those are the biggies.

My path is unknown, but it feels like the right way. I try very hard to live in the now. This doesn't negate thinking about the future or making plans for the future, it just entails the acknowledgement that today was the future and will be the past and if I let it go without living it it is wasted.

How do I know when I am not walking the path? I find myself doing or saying things for the benefit of someone else. I am someone different than me. Authentically. That is how I know I am wandering away. "what does he or she want me to say?" When I think of what that particular person WANTS to see instead of who I am at this point.

Hard to articulate, but there it is. I also know that I will be well down the path whether H and I are together or not. Whether I am with anyone, or not. That feels solid under my feet.

My biggest fear? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like a fraud, or that people think I am something I am not and will see through me. But have been working on that for about a year lol. Getting better at not really caring.

Fears? Not many I can't handle anymore, I guess, so no huge ones. I am so steady in belief that H and I will be together that I wonder if I am delusional. Now remember, there have been a lot of times when I thought we would not be. We were done and he was gone. So I have faced those. But when I think we may not be I don't get panicky or upset or sad either. I know it will be good. Weird, hard hard HARD to explain.

[lovethehub]

Wow, great thread. Thanks for all of the thoughts and pushing each other to think so much. It helps all of us that read it. You ladies are truly amazing and make me want to figure myself out more. It is easy to get away from that when your M starts to get back on track and the changes you have made are so helpful. How sad it would be for me to stop doing more work and just settle for what works.

[labug]

Authentically. That is how I know I am wandering away. "what does he or she want me to say?" When I think of what that particular person WANTS to see instead of who I am at this point.

You did a good job of articulating it and that's it in a nutshell, to be honest with ourselves first and also with others. You're right, we don't know our path but we know our boundaries, our values, what is precious to us.

From this outsider looking in it seems that your path at times changes based on H. That's why I said I would like to see your path, living your life free of the issues in his life. Maybe I'm wrong and just seeing again what I did for a long time. We are all mirrors.

My biggest fear was abandonment and being alone, not a fear anymore. I thought, much like you, if I let H go, really let him go, he would drop off the face of the earth and I would be oh, so lonely and alone. There were many lessons I needed to learn in that space.

I'm going to let this go now. I hope you know that I do wish you only the best and that you and H will be together again, when he's fully cooked if that's even what you want at that point in time.

You are a fun, humorous, thoughtful woman who is working on herself. There are many people out there who would truly appreciate that.

[JuneReN]

LovetheHub-Bug always does that, makes you dig a bit deeper.

Bug-You just opened a fear I didn't realize I had. What if H is fully cooked and I realize he is NOT what I want?

Not today because we fit so well, even though we are not together. But if I continue dating etc. that possibility could exist. My head hurts lol!

Everything H does is weather. Once I see it in that context, I wander off my path at times, but it still remains same.

[RosaLinda]

You are doing so great. Looking within and fixing what you don't like I wish I could be more like you Ruby.

"Then he goes on to say what he really came to say. Had major meltdowns yesterday with NGF, he doesn't see long term anymore. She has two small babies. Looking for a father figure for her girls. She had lunch with her ex yesterday and now H is staying where he is and sticking to his plan. That I have permission to smack him, next time he falls off the cart."

hahaha, isn't this what you told him last week about dating a woman with young kids? I'm glad you had fun with your date, you are very brave.

[JuneReN]

Hey Linda....thanks for dropping by. Basically what I alluded to yes. Easy to see these things from the outside, though, isn't it?

Not brave, just living where I fear to live, which is this step on the path. I think by dating, I learn to let H go. Maybe I did recognize my fear at some subconscious level and am now seeing it played out (in Ruby fashion).

one full day radio silence from H (as his current relationship blew up) and now it is text-a-palooza.

I answer, but I am not engaging, which is seeming to lead to more texts. And an offer to grab a drink if I am in early enough before run. I said I would have to let him know....but it sounded good.

Before I would have said "Sounds great" and made every effort to go. This time I didn't and the non committal had him asking "why" basically. Something that would not have happened before.

So this is interesting.