Newcomer's brief summary

[doubledown]

I had my first session with my therapist last night. My DB coach, Joanne, suggested I begin seeing a therapist to address some issues I have that have been contributing to the current state of my marriage.

When I provided him (therapist) my back story and where I am today within my marriage, me knowing W is involved in PA with OM and W has no idea I am aware, he strongly encouraged me to confront her about the PA.

As I thought about confronting her, I realize that the longer I let it go, the stronger their bond becomes. They are planning to rent a house together according to their emails and texts. Since my wife has just accepted a new career position in her industry, she will be making 2 1/2x what she earns now. This will only allow her more flexability and the wherewithall to make this kind of move.

I have been working on 180s and DB techniques for 45 days since I found out about their PA. There doesn't seem to be any change or acknowledgement on my wife's part. With their plan to be together looming, my question is this:

Should I prepare to confront her soon? With her first week at her new job beginning 8/26/13 and the kids returning to school on 9/4/13, is this a good time to hit her with the revelation? Catching her off guard, with all the stress of starting a new job and chapter in her life?

Maybe it will shock her into real life and really make an impact when she's least expecting it. My plan is to reherse my presentation so that I can remain composed and charge neutral without emotion. Letting her know that I am aware of the affair and that she needs to end it immediately and sever all contact with OM permanently or she'll have to leave and there will be a significant cost to leaving. No come and go as she pleases, no taking the kids with her to a house she shares with OM, etc.

I'll only get one shot at the confrontation. So, I'll want to make the biggest impact I can without pushing her away. What should be included?

Should I ask her questions like: 1) Do you really know what you're doing? Any doubts? 2) You don't seem to think much beyond your relationship with him. You must wonder how long that can continue? 3) It seems to me there is a great hole in you. And you think the other person can fill it? 4) Your need to fill your emptiness is overriding your integrity.

Any suggestions? During my first coaching call, My DB coach, Joanne, said that I should start therapy and then tell W that I have been listening to her and reveal that I am getting help because I need to make changes for myself, my kids and my W. My W has been telling me to get help and make improvements over the years, but I was too pround, weak, ashamed.

Do I begin by telling my W about my therapy and that I realize our marriage has been suffering for a long time, but I know I need to work on me for everyone's benefit. That I want to be the husband and father that I know I can be, want to be and that my W and kids deserve?

What should be included? What should be left out during the confrontation?

I really need help here. I'm looking for input from the vets and others who may have suggestions or experience with sucessful confrontations with spouse who is/was in PA with another.

Please provide your insight!!!