Thank you 25yearsmlc That is what I needed to hear. My wife actually told me about two months ago that remarrying me was the biggest mistake of her life. I know she was disappointment and felt abandon these last 6-7 months when I went back to school. That is not even including the mental abuse I gave her on top of that.
As far as my feelings - I don't know what I am feeling. I am trying so hard to suppress my feelings but find that when I am driving home from work that the tears and emotions really come out. I actually look forward to driving by myself as it seems like the only real free time I have to just cry out to God and let my emotions run rampant.
I don’t feel angry towards my wife. I am angry, but at myself mainly for allowing the marriage to get to this point. I thought about getting a PI not so much to throw it at my wife’s face but I was afraid that she was so deep into this affair that she might try to get nasty in the event of a divorce. I have an appointment with the lawyer next Tuesday just to make sure my ducks in a row just in case. I am not rich but still want to into this with knowledge from multiple angles. I am really hoping that she ends the affair on her own and that my knowledge of the affair will not need to come out. I understand why her heart got hard and don’t blame her for cheating on me. My heart also got hard this past year and now I am at a place where I want true healing and reconciliation to take place. She is already forgiven in my books. The hardest thing for me is forgiving myself. I think the next hardest thing is going to be for us to learn to trust each other. She is so afraid that I am going to go back to my old ways and I am scared that she will continue the affair. My family is worth the fight and effort though. I am working on being the support husband she needs by being there when she needs me too and by validating her feelings.
The last two days have been nice. Both nights I actually slept on the same bed as her. My wife’s back was bothering her so she asked me to massage her back and legs. When I was done, I got up to go to my bed and she told me to stay – so I did. We had some good small talk too in the morning before we got up. Yesterday I was watching TV with her with both of us laying on the bed – so that was nice. I am still being very cautious though and try to keep my distance unless she is inviting or showing signs of being receptive.
Our anniversary is next week and she has been asking me what I am going to do her. She indicated several times that I have to go big. I am trying to balance this as I don’t want to be pushy but I don’t want to disappoint her either. I really don’t know what her expectations are so I’ll have to see how the rest of the week goes before I decide on what to do.
I don’t think now is the time to recommend retrovaille to my wife. I wish she was there but I think that might come across as pushy and applying pressure. I want her to be the one to start the conversation about working on our marriage. I need to know that our marriage is progressing because she wants to and not because I forced her to. This is the very reason why I am hesitant to confront her on the affair. I don’t want my marriage to end. I love my wife and want this to work out so I am really thinking hard about what my actions should be. My wife has mentioned to me several times in the past that she needs to see a counselor to work on herself. So I’m hoping that she will take that next step and then maybe after she is done with that, we can start talking about working on our marriage, etc. I already paid for the counseling sessions for my wife (she told me the name of the counselor she wanted to see at some local church) so the ball is in her court. I won’t pressure her to go.
I am going to see an individual counselor for myself next week to get my thoughts and emotions better straighten out. I think I might setup an appointment with a DB coach next.
All in all this week I am feeling better but the pain is still there. She told me this morning that she is going to go walking today so that means she has an appointment with this OM. I try not to think about it but it does bother me. I am off this week from school but start again next week. I am really worried about going back to school. I’ve made suggestions to my wife about me taking the semester off but she is adamant that I continue. She told me that I need to finish school up for the family’s sake. I am taking three classes again but should be done in the spring. This semester I am not going to get crazy about wanted to make an A. As long as I pass, that is good enough for me. No MBA is worth losing a family over. I am scared of the workload and trying to balance being there for my family while working at the same time. I will make this work somehow though. This semester is going to bite but I am perhaps it’s good time if it keeps my mind from thinking about the marriage/affair.
