NEW LIFE / NEW ME

[sandi2]

Don't consume your mind wondering what she is thinking or feeling. She will not like what she hears from you. She may accuse you of not being there for "them" (which will really mean "her"). Expect it. Don't let it upset you when it happens.

Remember, she will have the anger before she will deal with her choices like a grow up. She will want to aim it all back at you.

All of this has to happen in order for her to get to the place of looking differently at her choices.

[sandi2]

She wanted cake and you wouldn't give her any.

I like it.

[sandi2]

I meant I liked what T said.

[Fartiltre]

Sandi,

Thanks for your post and words. I am glad that you think I did all right.

I understand, you are interested in their daily lives. You may need to think of a tactful way to have W stop her babbling and get on with practicals. Like you said, she will do this again. One problem LBH's have is not being prepared with what to say. You need to think of possible things she might surprise you with in the upcoming months, and know ahead how you will handle it. Practice what you will say, if it will help you remember and be able to sound confident.

This caught me by surprise – not that she did start talking about all of this but that I suddenly thought off this talking as babbling. It hit me quite quickly when she started but since I wasn’t prepared my answer didn’t come out that strong.

I guess next time I will just go with:
I am in the middle of something – can we do this at another time? …and then move on to practical’s

I do hope you have a picture of me being a LBH that wants to be prepared. I am rehearsing and practicing my sentences in my mind and out loud. I want to look back at this in the future and be able to tell myself that I did my best so off course I practice. Problem is that I am not sure what is going to happen and that makes practicing somewhat hard.
I will do the thinking – trust me

But when you say, "I don't feel like doing this" or "I don't feel like being friends"........it sounds as if you are acting as if your feelings are hurt and you are reacting. You need to direct it back to her decision. Don't take responsibility for D4's sadness.

I got you!!
Should I go with something like “I am sorry to hear that but this is the consequences of your decision” or “I am sorry that D4 is hurting but that’s what’s expected when somebody breaks up a M”
Just writing this makes me feel bad and I can almost hear and see her going ballistic on a sentence like this.
I won’t have any problems saying this if you believe this is the way.

Do you want me to put the blame on her every time something like this comes up? …off course only when talking to her – not children and friends, right? (I can’t do children’s but friends perhaps!)

I strongly feel that the parent who made the decision to break up the family should face the unpleasant ordeal of answering questions the little ones ask them.

Me too but so far I have taken my part! I won’t do this anymore. I know she is telling the children that we split up because we wasn’t good together and because she wanted to live in the city. (Makes me puke!) She can go with this but should I at some point tell her that if she at any point turns blame towards me I will tell the children what happened. I will post boundaries soon and you will see this in the list.

You were very good not to jump in with a bunch of comfort words for her. I don't believe she should be validated b/c she needs to see this is a result of her choices and you will not make her feel better about something you did not want. See what I mean? I would speak softly and say, "But this is what you wanted. Surely you knew you would have to deal with these issues."

Thanks!! I got you again - It feels a lot easier not validating than validating! I will still practice the validating on children and friends and hopefully one day I will have to use it talking to W.
Do you want me to assign the blame towards her every time a convo like this takes place?

She may storm off, saying something like, "I should have known I could not count on you to be there when I need you!". (or something similar). Be prepared for it and don't react. Say good-bye and let her have her pity party. She thought she could leave you and still have all the benefits of the R. She is not going to like when she finds out it does not work that way.

I agree – she will! My only reaction towards her when this happens will be to tell her to speak nicely or not speak at all….in this regard I will be prepared! She will properly take her reactions to new heights and that might take me by surprise at some point in all of this.

You will have your part in dealing with the kids issues when they are at your house. But she will probably have the most, as she should. Don't take her guilt or responsibility away from her.

I wont but neither will I state anything but ”We are not together anymore and thats why mummy isnt living here anymore” to the children! I will not make her look bad in their eyes. If she at some point starts blaming me in front of them I will tell her to stop or I will tell children what really happened.
I can deal with the children…or at least I feel that way right now. I fear that D6 is holding so much back at the moment and that she at some point will burst.

F

[Fartiltre]

T,

Imo you had a successful conversation where you positioned yourself in a healthier place.
Proud of you.

Thanks T – that really makes me feel good coming from you!!

I think you did well especially considering it was the first time you had to wear your LRT hat in a conversation.

Thanks again! I hope I will do better in the future – I need to get the goals on these convos straight!

These things are hard to write on the board. A couple of minutes conversation can takes ages to remember and write it on here and get it somewhere understandable to a 3rd party.

It’s almost impossible! I will look for an app that can record my convos on the cell – I have a recorder on the landline. I would simply love to go over the convo once again and thereby be able to post it better and also make my own evaluation better.

She wanted cake and you wouldn't give her any.
You managed to stay strong, you got her to change her angry tone and probably got her mind churning.
You will only get better at this.
LRT does feel better than all that friendly business. Makes you feel much stronger.

Following your sit was a tremendous help to me today! I feel like me and I know what and why I am doing what I am. I don’t feel like acting anymore and I have felt this way for so long.
And yes, I feel strong right now but also in some way fearfull of her perception, thinking and reaction. I remember you having this feeling as well and also I remember that your sit moved when you skipped the fear and stayed strong. Hopefully I have learned this from you and will be able to look my fear straight in the eyes and tell it to get lost!

Thanks for the comforting words and your support!

F

[Fartiltre]

Sandi,

Don't consume your mind wondering what she is thinking or feeling. She will not like what she hears from you. She may accuse you of not being there for "them" (which will really mean "her"). Expect it. Don't let it upset you when it happens.

Remember, she will have the anger before she will deal with her choices like a grow up. She will want to aim it all back at you.

All of this has to happen in order for her to get to the place of looking differently at her choices.

I won’t think about it anymore! I will go back to focus on me and GAL – her thoughts are hers!

When (not if ) this happens should I just go with the blame-assigning:

This is not what I wanted….
This was your decision and not mine
You split us up – not me
I am there for them always – you are the one that left and broke up the family

I hope I will be able to keep the pleasant and calm voice WHEN this happens – that will properly be my biggest issue. She can really pi$$ me off and get me upset – but I will practice these sentences if you believe they are the right ones.

F

[Fartiltre]

Sandi,

I recieved a text from W asking about money 3 hours ago.

I posted this yesterday after I called her:

She mentioned that I owe her some money and I told her that I am not sure this is the case but I will have to go through the expenses for the last months.

The text just goes "Hey. Did you transfer the money..? W"

Two things hits me.
1. I don't believe she has put her name in a text for a very long time.
2. Hey with a Y is very different here than "Hej" (meaning "Hi") - she normally uses this when things are normal.

She is either low on money or looking for a reaction.

I have made a transfer but not the full amount she asked for since I still belive she owes me money and at the same time I told her yesterday that I will look into this.

I will let this be for now and the next time she calls I will ask her to email me her expences for the last five months. When all of this started we agreed that we would share living expences like rent, childcare and so on - I have payed the majority but several times stated that we will have to go over these at some point.

Do you agree on the doing nothing?


F

[sandi2]

I got you!!
Should I go with something like “I am sorry to hear that but this is the consequences of your decision” or “I am sorry that D4 is hurting but that’s what’s expected when somebody breaks up a M”
Just writing this makes me feel bad and I can almost hear and see her going ballistic on a sentence like this.
I won’t have any problems saying this if you believe this is the way.

Well, that's a little too plain. I would probably go ballistic, also, if I was told those words. What I had in mind was something a little softer, but still gave the message. That's why I suggested speaking with a soft voice when you say it. An example would be...."Yes, it must be very difficult dealing with the children's sadness, but (W's name), you surely thought about all this when you were making the decision to leave the M." That may still sting to hear you say it, but whenever you start throwing around the words "consequences of your decision/actions" to anyone......teenagers, WAS's, singles, or old people.

[lovethehub]

Should I go with something like “I am sorry to hear that but this is the consequences of your decision” or “I am sorry that D4 is hurting but that’s what’s expected when somebody breaks up a M”

I agree with Sandi that this is too harsh and almost sounds like retribution, not moving on and honesty. Use what Sandi said, you can always add other similar things so you don't say the same line over and over. "I know, it is hard on all of us. Unfortunately you and I knew it would be when you made this decision but the girls didn't really get it until after you moved"

"Then she told me something about D6 getting a new book at school already and then some about her….she just babbled.
(At this point my head started working because I was in doubt if babbling about the children should be stopped or not. Since I like to know what goes on in their lives I just listened and made these small listening-sounds like oh, yes, hmmm and so on)"

F, didn't you skype/facetime/whatever/video chat you use with you D's a week or so ago? You and your w have the children for long stretches of time, which means long stretches of time with the other parent not seeing them. In their best of interest, and also helping out your best interest of not having too much conversation with W, I suggest setting up regular times to skype with them. Next time W launches into this, or even beforehand, tell her you want to be able to keep up with the girls and hear from them the important things going on in their lives when they are with her. Let her know you want to skype every other night, every two nights, whatever and let her know you will have them available to do the same with her when they are at your house. Their is no reason not to "see" your girls for 9 days with todays technology and then your W will need to invent a new reason to call you!

She stated that she thought we would be friends and I told her that I didn’t feel like and that I don’t want to pull the children through another breakup when one of us meets OM or OW. She asked me why this would mean a breakup. I told her that this is how things go normally. She wanted to discuss this further and I believe I stated something like “Well, that how I look at it”

Again, I agree w/S that this isn't the best way to frame this. Maybe "I know we need to be friendly for the children, and there is no reason not to be. However, I feel that being friendly and hanging out together as friends are different things." Or something like that..

"Then she shifted towards D4 being sad and asking her why her and I can’t live together. She had told D4 that we weren’t very good at living together. I left this uncommented. She talked a little about this and also about D6 not talking about this but listening a lot."

I am glad you didn't comment on this. I know the feeling when you first split of wanting the other person to stand up and admit what they did. I felt this way when my ex and I split up, that the kids should know it was his fault. (We only had one D together but I say kids because I raised his 2 children for 5 years w/o their mom in the picture). The reality is that whose fault is should not be passed on to the children. It does nothing for them to know "mom" broke up the M. My ex had an A while I was pregnant but my D still does not know this and I will never tell her. When she asks why we aren't together I just say "unfortunately things didn't work it. I am sorry for you that they didn't but we did try" No ,we didn't try because he didn't want to but how will it help my D to know that?

Then shifted towards D4 asking her if I could join them for dinner and she invited me. I left it unanswered but she kept on asking so I told her that I didn’t feel like doing this."

Instead of saying I don't feel like it, which means she will keep asking, let her know this is your final decision. "W, I have thought a lot about us having dinners together as a family. I know we agreed that we would so I have to apologize to you because I have realized that it isn't something I want to do. You have chosen to move on and I don't see how this will help the girls in the long run. Us being friendly when we see each other will help the girls but dinner, I don't think that will help"

[Fartiltre]

Sandi,

W also mailed me this evening about D6s girlscouting.

Hey

D6 only got one program so I scanned it and here it is :-)
She will get her scout-shirt next time. That’s quite big, so see if you can make it.

Otherwise you will have to call the leaders and tell she wont make it. Their number is on the note.

Have a nice evening
W

I will reply to this email:

Hi
Thanks for sms and e-mail.
I have transferred $ to you and you should have them tomorrow. I would like for you to send me your expences from the last months so we can get the financials settled. If you do so I will do the numbers and mail them to you.

Then something about some things she has taken with her that belongs to me and that I would like to have returned next time we shift
And just my name at the bottom.



I am getting there but still somewhat confused about this blame-assigning I asked you – should I do this?


F