NEW LIFE / NEW ME

[Fartiltre]

Sandi,

Thanks for your post and words. I am glad that you think I did all right.

I understand, you are interested in their daily lives. You may need to think of a tactful way to have W stop her babbling and get on with practicals. Like you said, she will do this again. One problem LBH's have is not being prepared with what to say. You need to think of possible things she might surprise you with in the upcoming months, and know ahead how you will handle it. Practice what you will say, if it will help you remember and be able to sound confident.

This caught me by surprise – not that she did start talking about all of this but that I suddenly thought off this talking as babbling. It hit me quite quickly when she started but since I wasn’t prepared my answer didn’t come out that strong.

I guess next time I will just go with:
I am in the middle of something – can we do this at another time? …and then move on to practical’s

I do hope you have a picture of me being a LBH that wants to be prepared. I am rehearsing and practicing my sentences in my mind and out loud. I want to look back at this in the future and be able to tell myself that I did my best so off course I practice. Problem is that I am not sure what is going to happen and that makes practicing somewhat hard.
I will do the thinking – trust me

But when you say, "I don't feel like doing this" or "I don't feel like being friends"........it sounds as if you are acting as if your feelings are hurt and you are reacting. You need to direct it back to her decision. Don't take responsibility for D4's sadness.

I got you!!
Should I go with something like “I am sorry to hear that but this is the consequences of your decision” or “I am sorry that D4 is hurting but that’s what’s expected when somebody breaks up a M”
Just writing this makes me feel bad and I can almost hear and see her going ballistic on a sentence like this.
I won’t have any problems saying this if you believe this is the way.

Do you want me to put the blame on her every time something like this comes up? …off course only when talking to her – not children and friends, right? (I can’t do children’s but friends perhaps!)

I strongly feel that the parent who made the decision to break up the family should face the unpleasant ordeal of answering questions the little ones ask them.

Me too but so far I have taken my part! I won’t do this anymore. I know she is telling the children that we split up because we wasn’t good together and because she wanted to live in the city. (Makes me puke!) She can go with this but should I at some point tell her that if she at any point turns blame towards me I will tell the children what happened. I will post boundaries soon and you will see this in the list.

You were very good not to jump in with a bunch of comfort words for her. I don't believe she should be validated b/c she needs to see this is a result of her choices and you will not make her feel better about something you did not want. See what I mean? I would speak softly and say, "But this is what you wanted. Surely you knew you would have to deal with these issues."

Thanks!! I got you again - It feels a lot easier not validating than validating! I will still practice the validating on children and friends and hopefully one day I will have to use it talking to W.
Do you want me to assign the blame towards her every time a convo like this takes place?

She may storm off, saying something like, "I should have known I could not count on you to be there when I need you!". (or something similar). Be prepared for it and don't react. Say good-bye and let her have her pity party. She thought she could leave you and still have all the benefits of the R. She is not going to like when she finds out it does not work that way.

I agree – she will! My only reaction towards her when this happens will be to tell her to speak nicely or not speak at all….in this regard I will be prepared! She will properly take her reactions to new heights and that might take me by surprise at some point in all of this.

You will have your part in dealing with the kids issues when they are at your house. But she will probably have the most, as she should. Don't take her guilt or responsibility away from her.

I wont but neither will I state anything but ”We are not together anymore and thats why mummy isnt living here anymore” to the children! I will not make her look bad in their eyes. If she at some point starts blaming me in front of them I will tell her to stop or I will tell children what really happened.
I can deal with the children…or at least I feel that way right now. I fear that D6 is holding so much back at the moment and that she at some point will burst.

F