Originally Posted By: RosaLinda
Why did that post twice? Hiccups?

Lol, I don't know why, but it's happened to me too.

My thoughts on this debate.

As I see FY's position,

They're already "done", remember? Withholding their LL could just as easily confirm in their mind all their reasons for bailing on us. Maybe a good last resort technique if you're done, or on your way to D, like RH was when she cut back on H's LL."

it seems an assumption that the MLCer hasn't yet made up their mind. So, in an effort to either forestall that decision, or change the weakly made decision, FY suggests LL appetizers. (If I have that wrong I apologize and welcome correction.)

Dawn: Now that I can ask him some things outright, I have learned that it was better for me, in his opinion, that I didn't LL him because he would have been resentful."

Is of the opinion that the MLCer doesn't want and will resent LL from the LBS.

One of the pillars of DBing is NO PURSUIT. So, application of LL needs to be very careful lest the MLCer perceive the behavior as pursuit.

Portia posted once about the difference of lovingly detaching and detaching with love.
(Attention all you "J-go-to-Al-Anoners", I got this from an al-anon website which should make you happy.)

Detachment with love means caring enough about others to allow them to learn from their mistakes. It also means being responsible for our own welfare and making decisions without ulterior motives-the desire to control others.

Before we start doling out the LL, we should examine our motives for so doing. Do we have "expectations"? Maybe not immediate expectations, but eventual expectations. We expect our behaviors to affect the decision making of the MLCer. NO EXPECTATIONS

"Loving" is a two way action. By giving, loving and care taking we bond with another living thing. This seems counter to DETACHMENT, imho.

Further, I think making the life of the MLCer too comfortable allows them to avoid confronting the reality they have created. It sends a message that their behavior will be accommodated and so they have less motive to continue on their journey.

smile Hi RL! I hope your eye doesn't make you too crazy. I get a headache just thinking about your symptoms!

Me 46 H 56
M 22 yrs
S22, D20, Twin Ss18

You teach people how to treat you by what you allow.
What you stop.
And what you reinforce.
~~~~~~~
A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.