Suckerpunch, moving ahead one way or another!

[MrCAS]

I am of the opinion that things are getting pushed beyond what could be deemed as appropriate.

[MrCAS]

On her end...

[planet]

I'm perplexed on the notion of WAS forcing LBS to accept OP on whatever situation they deem fit.

[swoop]

It blows me away.....

I have a little more insight to what can be legally done here. I spoke with a friend of mine who works as a sheriffs deputy. This was his personal advice. First, she cannot bring someone onto this property, regardless of whether she lives here or not. She has no ownership here. However, the business and property owners can refuse ANYONE for ANY REASON we choose. We have had to have guests served with verbal trespassing before. The police will come out, serve the warning and remove the person from the property. If they choose to return, ever, they will be arrested for trespassing. This applies exactly the same to OM coming here for a BBQ. I can simply say, "I don't like the color of your shoes, so I would like you to leave. He WILL have to leave.

Next, I think I stumbled across a very good point. While I am a partial owner of this business, I am not an owner of the property or the building structures. Therefore, wife is not staying here on my dime. She is staying here on my Moms property. Actually, my Mom therefore would own our home as well. I have no ties to it legally. My Mom and wife have zero legal ties to each other. So, my mom can kick her off the property any time she sees fit, at least that is what my deputy friends first assumption is. I will know more tomorrow after I speak with the civil deputy regarding landlord/tenant rights. With that said, in a worst case scenario, she can be served with a 20 day eviction notice. I will know for certain what my legal rights are tomorrow.

My prospected plan is this. I am going to allow wife and OM to play their own hand. I am not going to exchange texts or any other form of communication regarding this. Wife knows I don't want OM here. If OM chooses to show up, I will confront him and ask him to leave, followed by a call to the police. He will be served with a verbal trespass. At that time, I will have an eviction notice ready to present to wife, be it an immediate departure, 3 day notice or even a 20 day notice. "Sorry wife, you played your cards wrong and here is the consequence. You just moved". I will have to have a 3rd party serve her with the notice, a staff member will suffice. That will be how this is going to play out. I will not fool around with this. The ridiculousness has gone far enough.

[MrCAS]

I think you need to use a different word than confront. It seems that you are already building it up before it happens. I would not have ANY contact with him ever if it could be avoided at all. Any contact will probably just end ugly.

Here is an idea... Ask your Mom to have W served with the papers. Have Mom serve a written warning to OM. This way you can throw your hands up in the air and say, "W, it was not me. I guess you really pushed Mom over the limit this time. What can I do? I don't own the property."

Judging from what you have posted in the past, it is not a stretch to see that there is no love lost between Mom and W.

[Mimi00]

I like MrCas's idea. I think being very professional about it and putting it in writing, from the property owner (your mom), is a great way to handle it!

[lovethehub]

I guess I am the only one not in agreement on this. While I can understand that it is time for your wife to move on and get a place of her own, which will most likely be living with OM, I don't see kicking her out as a punishment for behavior.

I also think that you should be the bigger man. You are talking about being the man that you want to be, growing, dealing with anger, etc. The reality is, your wife is dating someone else and she is serious about him, or appears to be. You can take the stand, "not on my property" (yes, it is unbelievable she is this insensitive but do you expect anything else from her at this point?) or you can deal with it. If she is dating him, everyone knows, your daughter is around him, why does it matter where this happens?

You talk about not wanting to hurt your D any more. Well, guess what? Having this much animosity in your R with her mom does hurt her. At some point you are going to have to accept that there is an OM in her life whether you like it or not and you are going to have to decide what behavior you want your D to see when you deal with this.

What has always stuck with me was being in my best friends wedding and she did not invite her father because their had always been so much anger between her parents. What a sad choice to have to make because 2 adults couldn't handle an issue the right way. With my d and my ex, I have always chosen to do what is best for my D, not what makes me feel better. Does it affect your D if OM is on your property? No, but it does affect her that M and D cannot get along and can't even be in the same room together. How is this action going to affect that situation? It is going to make it even worse and be that much longer before your D can see healthy co-parenting.

I am not saying your W is right, and I cannot imagine doing this. I am just saying someone has to be the one who considers the long-term affects of your co-parenting R on your D. The sooner you accept OM and learn to get along with BOTH OF THEM, because yes, your D is watching, the better.

[swoop]

All very good points. LTH, you bring up something very interesting. I never really thought much about how this may affect daughter. I will have to ponder this a LOT more. It's not what I want. We all know what I originally wanted. I wanted to save my marriage. However, that is something that is clearly not going to happen. So, how long do I carry on being the whipping post? Wife is insensitive. Wife is selfish. Wife is taking advantage of my Mothers graciousness. These are all facts. How long do I continue to take it so that daughter doesn't feel the stress? Another year, another month, indefinitely? When do I get to have some peace, at my own home even? When do I get to move forward with my own life, without the strings and drama that wife brings to the equation? I still think she needs to go, but I will give this some more thought. Any additional input is greatly appreciated. Thanks everyone!

[MrCAS]

I don't see that asking SP's W to move out as punishment. IMO, W is just being vindictive on her end. She wants to cause trouble. She wants this to come to a head. She is reveling in the grief that this causing.

Way too many times it seems that no one wants to stand up for was is right for fear of being labeled something.

My EW's father stood up to her one day and called a spade a spade and my XMIL just about had a fit as did the XW. Bummer. Someone expressing their feelings and it doesn't agree with yours. Too bad... So sad.

Approaching the W and saying something along the lines of that OM is not welcome because of the pot of crap that will be stirred among SP's other family members is not out of line.

Wrong is wrong and no amount of PC feelings of keeping the peace is going to work. W has no interest in any one elses feelings other than meeting her own selfish needs.

[labug]

So my .02. Something has to be done about her living situation because it's been a thorn in the side of everyone in your family for a long time. I fear if it continues all the built up anger will turn it into an even uglier situation. While I appreciate LTH's pov, I don't think at this point you're punishing her, it's just time. But again, let an attorney handle all that.

You don't have to solve that right now.

The deputy may be right but still get real legal counsel cause this could open up a whole can of worms. Deal with the situation at hand. If OM shows up at the party, don't confront him. Have someone else who works there speak with him, if he refuses to leave call the police.

Just curious, if she hadn't told you he was coming and he had shown up at the bbq, would have known he was there?

Now for something completely different, when you take your hurt pride out of the picture and step away from the anger, could you stomach having him there? If so, after the dust settle you and W could then start to work toward getting this D done and her moving on amicably. What's holding up the settlement piece?

Once the police get involved, I doubt that it can be done amicably.