W(me)) 44 - H: 46 - T:23 - M: 19 1/2 Before he left (Now 20) D:20 S:15
During the M we were a great team, as long as he was not frustrated with how our home improvement projects seem to take longer than expected or hit unforeseen snags we were actually having fun renovating an old farmhouse. We always showered together, during the demo phase we'd laugh at how black the water was and how many splinters we had & how physically exhausting it could be.
We used to, what I call, tag team while cooking supper. He would start the meat, I'd start everything else,.. he may come in and check on vegetables if I was in another room,... etc. When he was in the WE mindset, which eventually faded away, we did very well.
Our goals in life and beliefs are identical. We want the same things (with the exception of how detailed the trim work in the house should be, so I took all of that on myself).
He's not all that good with budgeting or retirement planning, so he did hand that over to me, and because he did, he was on track to be able to retire at 59. He's worked so hard over the years I so wanted that to be able to happen for him.
From the beginning though, on every subject, he would get deeply aggravated and argumentative if he was not "allowed" to be the one to make the final decisions on anything and everything. So, I learned to pick my battles and I held back. I would make suggestions, back them up with my reasoning as to why I felt that way then let the chips fall where they may. This worked against me. The more power I gave him, the more controlling he became over the years.
He would even hold his hand up to my face whenever I was trying to talk to the children WITH him (about homework, or cleaning their rooms, etc). I was not allowed to parent my own children,... REALLY?????
My daughter spends a great deal of her time tucked away in her room. I tried to pull her out of there any way I could, but it's like trying to get a turtle out of its shell. She'd play some video games with my H and S on occasion, but mostly just kept to herself. When my H was in the garage and unavailable (for entire evenings) my S would be playing games (when not doing homework) and it was impossible to pull him away without a fight. Fights with him are not a one parent situation. My H would often say "why is it such a big deal anyway, let him play." My H uses the games to de-stress, so I think he felt my S did too.
I basically felt so alone while surrounded by my own family. I felt rejected and very much unneeded. I pulled back from him, resenting my new found place as being simply the maid. I found friends online and spent far too much time there. I was not getting the support and emotional connection from him, or even my C, but people online could validate my feelings and show that they cared. They let me know that I was valued, intelligent and worth being treated that way. He was no longer treating me that way and I desperately needed that, especially from him. I ended up in an emotional affair with someone I'll never meet in person which was the only solace in my life for a majority of the time the past 3 years. It allowed me to mentally distance myself from the pain and disappointment within my household.
We had it all on track, we did, it worked then it crashed and burned. I heard the engines failing but believed we may land a little rough in a field or on the water, I never saw the side of the mountain approaching, the MLC fog was too thick.
We both wanted this to work, but at different times. Multiple times we'd go to each-other, but not when the other person was willing to give up their pride & look like the "bad guy". I'd come up for air & try to work on my M, but he would not be in the same mindset, he'd in turn try to get me to come up for air (counseling), but I wouldn't be in the same mindset. I was in MLC myself, reassessing where I was, asking myself if that was what I wanted for the rest of my life. Under the impression it would never really be 50/50. I felt like I had lost "ME" and as long as he was in my life I wouldn't truly be me 100%. BUT, I also had a vision of what life would be like when the children moved out (only a few years from now), retirement, the golden road we had paved was still there. (The house is paid off, the cars are paid off, we're debt free.) When we could just be us again, no more huge projects or homework undone, I really thought we'd reconnect like we had in the beginning, then there would be time for him, for me, and for us. I thought if I got back 80% of me that would be enough. After-all M is a partnership, each gives of themselves and compromises.
Since he left (January 13th, 2013) I went through some serious depression. Now, I'm working on the house, baking, painting (will be taking water color & oil classes this fall and over the winter), I've met someone in a similar situation and have been getting out hiking etc.
After I read about the MLC phases I started to wonder if his change from the WE mindset to the ME mindset may have been MLC related. He said to me after he left, "I don't want to be doing things for other people anymore, I want to do things for me for a change."
He does interact with the kids but mostly on a limited basis. It will be worse when school starts back up and homework comes back into the picture. Weekends will not be free for my S. He's trying to connect up a Skype account so he can work with my son on homework without having to come here (15 miles away). I really don't think it will be as good as having him here. I can work with my son on my own, you need to kind of stand over his shoulder half the time. If you take your eyes off of him he gets distracted. I think the Skype account is just another way for him to distance himself.
There is no pain, you are receding A distant ship smoke on the horizon You are only coming through in waves Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying
