better to love or be loved?

[willbwell]

I had asked h about Retrovaille, he was not interested. for him he said he felt counseling was a waste of time and money. I still see my IC and my boys(older one more so)have been as well. I wish h would go...His mom was depressed and h didn't like that. didn't see a 'reason' for her to be depressed. h didn't recognize that it is a medical condition.

I have a life outside of my kids and h. Yes, most of my day involves my kids, but I do plenty for myself. I am spiritual. I have great friends, a great family. I do yoga. I volunteer, I know happiness and contentment. I am smart,caring, sexy,and fun. Really h is a fool. I will be someone else's prize.

Thru all this, I have been kind to h. Detaching is hard because I see or hear from or about him everyday thru the contact with my d. I know h is struggling too. I know its his journey and I can't force him.

My 180'S... to listen and validate, instead of talk. h is not much of a talker and I would almost put words in his mouth. I let him lead these conversations now.

I have been confused as to how to be when H comes over. I am cordial, busy. A 180 to me would be to go to my room and close the door and ignore h. This seems so childish to me though....

I try and validate h. we both say please and thank you.I do it more now than in the past, I'd say.

I need more help with 180's....Anybody??

I want to get unstuck. Hard when I still have that hope in my heart. I think it would be easier to take the money and run. I am not getting any younger and eventually, I will want/need companionship in my life. I still want that with h. And although, I know it can be exciting- the dating and flirting, would rather start over with h than someone new.

I know I will be ok. I am a strong independent woman. I've got so many blessings. this is what I try and remember when I feel that bitter, anger creeping in