better to love or be loved?

[25yearsmlc]

venting ahead...disappointment that h doesn't value commitment and family. he wants to have a relationship with kids but doesn't want to do anything in regards to parenting. just wants to buy me out. I'm the hired help.

well if this is venting...so be it. I won't argue. I will point out that NOT all venting is productive. For many people, at times, myself included, enables bitterness. Venting negatively can keep people stuck.

So if you don't feel more at peace after venting, then it's not helping...

If it is your belief, I'd say stop mind reading and making yourself feel worse. Just counter productive, and worse.


just let me vent here...DB'ing is for working on me, focusing on me. Is it possible that in reality, it is not something that we did or did not do towards the breakdown of our M, but rather that our spouses are selfish and self-centered?


You want someone to tell you that you played no role in this?

I know the feeling. We are reeling and then, we feel a lot of guilt and regret, and shame.
It can feel so overwhelming that we feel we must turn it outward, and want to blame b/c we cannot handle our own shame and the work we know we ought to do. OR we can block that all out and keep on blaming them entirely.

Amazingly a few people do that here, and keep wanting to do that and eventually they lost posters b/c the continue their victimhood role and change NOTHING b/c their spouse is NOT here working on their m, they are. But they think, I guess, that by blaming the WAS...what? They feel "right"? But not happy...anyhow, I know this is new for you and you're in the first stages.

But deicide. Use this ordeal, and decide

Will you be a BITTER, or BETTER woman?

I won't say that it's all or even mainly his fault, or he's a pig and this "happened to you".

YES, I have seen a few cases where a truly wonderful spouse was deserted by a WAS, who was simply and plainly and totally WRONG. But it's rare.

Besides, In theory, brain tumors might be the reason for their choices, or their lousy diet, or a repressed memory or unresolved child hold issues, or fear of mortality...

We don't and can't KNOW. What do we know?

We KNOW you were Not a flawless wife, and your h felt put down.

What matters NOW? YOU and your work on you, and your kids. So who should you focus on? ONLY on YOU and YOUR KIDS.

i wish I had stopped wondering WHY my h was doing what he was doing or who was truly at fault, a lot sooner than I did.

What a waste of time and energy. The past won't matter if you reconcile. That is why, imo, the words "from this day forward" are in our vows.

You will need to let go of the past and "his wrongs", just as you must hope he lets go of yours...in order to move forward.

You will need to agree on what you two want, "from this day forward", not who did what to whom, first, or worst, etc.

I wish I had more quickly started detaching and putting my energy into creating a new fulfilling life for myself, and indirectly my kids.

When I finally did that, ironically, it's what h noticed...

when I finally just knew I was now a better partner and mother and looked forward to MY NEW life, instead of still harping on how UNFAIR it all was, it got better.

(SIDENOTE: for some perspective, recall that there is food in your refrigerator...

So? Well, recall that you have a refrigerator, with electricity in your shelter, which is a real home, not made of corrugated metal or cardboard.

There will be food in your electric refrigerator tomorrow too.
Or you will drive in your car to a store where there is more food available, and you will buy it and cook it. No one will shoot you or kidnap a child of yours, while you do this task.

No one is shooting at you now or attacking your family for being in the wrong tribe. Your sons are not being recruited to join a rebel army, your daughter is disabled but gets care for herself, and will for life.

No one is forcing you to stop worshipping or begin worshipping their way, No one tells you where to live or what job you must do.

Your h has a job and income, you can drive, your sons are completely healthy and one is attending college soon.
You are an educated literate healthy woman with food and shelter and an income. You have children who love you.

We often forget that the factors above, place you in the top 3.5% of the world in terms of security and prosperity and freedom.

So sure, Life can be unfair. Just look at the Sudan, Somalia, well, that whole continent, China, Russia, Bangladesh, ETC.

Your h may be selfish or self centered. AND you may also have been resentful and critical of him.

So which thing do YOU have any control over?

Don't you want him to have second thoughts and doubts about his choices?

That means your changes have to be real and lasting.
The longer you show consistent change, the more likely he will believe the changes are real and lasting.
Because, to reiterate,

Your h will only come home if/when he believes marriage to you

can be better/different.

YOU MUST SHOW THAT TO HIM...

consistent change + sufficient time = change HE can believe in.
Are you digging deep? What would HE SAY if we asked him why he left?

I asked you some questions and although you said "thanks" and (btw, you're welcome, sincerely) & you sounded thoughtful,
I'm a bit sad to see your next post so quickly turning to blame him again.

What issues do you OWN and wish to change? What are your 180s?
THat must be your focus.

I believe that despite your d's needs, you can do some GAL that is not about earning money but rather, enjoying something. A film class or language or cooking, or a seminar, or JOIN something and meet new people who do NOT know your situation...

We hammer GAL because we know it works. The inertia and depression and obsession about the situation, are usually the hurdles to overcome but you will always be glad you did, once you are out. It does not merely make you happier, which is HUGE. But it makes you more interesting and, yes, appealing. plus you meet new people SO IF you become a single woman again, you'll have a ton more avenues for meeting others.

Can you name two you'll do in the next 5 weeks?

Notice how I derail the route of blaming him?
That's because I spent FAR too much time doing that in my own situation.

So, even if it's "ALL his fault", which we know is not true, you would still have to work on the only person you can have any effect on, which is you.

No more "wishing he'd be a better guy" and skimming over your own issues.

IF and when the time comes, you can figure out if he's the man you want in your life.

I think right now you are score keeping, which I did. I compared MY sacrifices, which I felt were ignored, to his "takings", which I felt HE ignored.

But the thing is, THEY have their own scorecards. And on their scorecard, WE LOSE...

that's why I suggest you drop the scorecard. It simply keeps a record of wrongs and that's not what our job is, nor does it make us happier or our marriages better. It does the opposite.

You can do better than this and your life WILL be better than it is, right now.
kids here, have to go . more later

You can do this WW...your life WILL be better and no matter what you and your h decide, please keep posting.

BTW if your h is at all available to the idea of "divorce counselling" as if you simply want to make this "easier" for all concerned, could you get him to attend Retrovaille?

it's the retreat weekend for marriages in crisis and we got A LOT of help from it. But some couples were there with one partner just checking it off the list to say he had "done everything he could"...

and guess what? On Sunday night, every single couple said they wanted to try again, try harder, use NEW TOOLS for improving their relationship.

3 years 8 months later, 22 of the 25 couples are still married, maybe 21. Not bad, considering how things were when we all attended. Just a thought, or long term goal.

Keep on with the DB work and please read up on Detaching.

AND the 180s need to be specific, and GAL. I swear you won't regret it.