Thanks Linda, and Bug was just reminding me to remember my crazy
First date I told NG (new guy) that H and I were friends, did things together, switched places etc. That H had a girlfriend, I had full custody etc. etc.
He is separated as well, but will find out more tonight
I dare say that this is a unique situation. My coach had to cancel, so will only talk Friday.....be interesting to hear what she has to say.
Am I patient? Nope. Some days I just want to say "Look, I know you love me and could you just get there????" But he can't yet, so I wait.
I won't be serious with someone else because it wouldn't be fair. So, no fear, with NG, and I would shut it down if it were headed that way.
Ruby, I don't have the answers, just questions, and more questions, that's how we get to the bottom of our emotions, unearth the real us. The answers for me will be different from the answers for you.
I think you're moving through this in a fine way. I'm not suggesting that you turn your back on him and never communicate again. But when I see you write things like "I get sucked into the vortex" or "he's thrown me under the bus" my question is, how can you avoid getting sucked into the vortex of thrown under the bus?
The dance of Rs is how to maintain and build that emotional connection without being sucked into the vortex of another's "stuff." Letting them own their lives, while we take ownership of and responsibility for ours. It's a process, sometimes a long one.
Your H has been pretty straightforward about what he wants right now. Or am I misreading that?
Quote:
What does asking for help look like? If it looked like "Hey I need help" many of us would not be in this situation.
For me asking for help looks/sounds like "I need help." Talk more about your second sentence there.
k_g, nice driveby! Would be great to hear more. I think there are degrees and stages to letting go, god knows it took me quite a while. Letting go hasn't changed my feelings for H but I know I'm generally unaffected by what he does or doesn't do and life is...nice, there are infinite possibilities in front of me.
Linda, thanks for your viewpoint.
Many voices make for a great conversation.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
You know, if I had the answers, life would be boring I guess lol!
"I need help" presents itself in so many ways; destructive behaviour, suicide attempts, addiction...of course the person isn't at the point of asking point blank. I do know that there is the rock bottom adage for sure.
Not saying H is desperate for help, but he reaches out to me. I guess I question this;
Is he reaching because he wants help or Is he reaching because I am available?
I know he values what I say and the fact that I have no answers for him but support him in his "quest".
I also know he is proud of my journey and looks at me as a model (hah! thanks DB), but I also have done some very hard work, so I won't negate it.
I am not the point where I am unaffected by H's actions, but am less so than when I began. It is a personal path, isn't it?
While H has been straightforward he always ends up backsliding to me. It is not me in pursuit and it hasn't been since June. That is why I seem to be at a bit of a crossroads, in terms of how I should go forward.
do I say "Okay, I love you but this is your journey" ? Which I have, incidentally, to no avail.
I really think he needs to explore all his possibilities in whatever form he needs to. Because if we have a relationship I don't want it to be of the "nothing out there that interests me, so....." variety
Like GTO, I would require serious romance, a commitment and a lot of hard work on both our parts. Communication, respect and love
Yup...I tell him "It's only a mistake when you don't learn. And if you don't learn, you repeat until you do."
I think, to an extent, it is why I am generally okay (notice I didn't say okay...) with this, because he has a lesson he has to learn. What it is, I have no idea, but the ruts of his path are pretty worn
Ruby, I think bug has made some great points, some things I've been thinking about your sitch, but she put it down a lot better than I could.
Originally Posted By: kate's_place
While H has been straightforward he always ends up backsliding to me. It is not me in pursuit and it hasn't been since June. That is why I seem to be at a bit of a crossroads, in terms of how I should go forward.
What if H put his feelers out and you didn't take the bait? What if you resisted and he started to feel like you were moving away from him for good?
I think you are still pursuing but not in the "classic" sense. Remember your comments to H about needed places so others could stay over? And showing H the texts? I think that is pursuing in a certain sense, and a covert way of exerting some control over H. If he thinks you won't date at some point, after all of his encouraging, his head is in the sand big time. Especially as fun and upbeat as you are.
I think at some point, you said something to the effect that you told H that you might be a WAS at this point. I might be misstating that, but I remember an interchange with him about how you became separated. Have you ever looked at the split/M/R in a control sense? I know that in the past, I was at the WAS stage, and part of it was to control H. When BD first hit, I think my initial reaction was pure shock, but then it got into control. I didn't want him controlling the split. And I had to give that up.
I have to be ok with me and where I am no matter where H is. And if that means we split because he wants it, then so be it. I can't control him, his feelings or his journey. I know that you've told your H this is his journey. Dig deep on that.
We are still "comfortable" to our S's, no matter what journey they are on.
Have you looked up any info on the push-pull dynamic? I did at one time and it was helpful.
As to the help thing, you may want to check into some of the co-dependency stuff. I know I've felt that way about H, and now I am learning that he needs to F'up on his own and that I cannot continue to help him. He needs to learn how to figure it out and I only get involved after he's floundered around. I think that is some of what bug is saying.
(((ruby)))
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
Is he reaching because he wants help or Is he reaching because I am available?
Good questions.
Where do you want to be in that?
Why do you think he needs your help? He's not suicidal, or an addict or self destructive. What are the signs that he wants help?
Such a good question.....Arrgghhh......lol
Maybe not so much help as emotional support. I probably coined it wrong. If it is emotional, then it is because I am available and I don't purposely make myself unavailable. Today, I tried something a little different though, but I will post that separately.
In my marriage, I was not available for him, I was more of a "suck it up already" type of person. I was listening but not hearing.
This is a 180 for me and it's been hard to learn and go through with. It's been tough to be there emotionally, since its something I have never allowed myself to do.
H has never been supported like this from me (or really anyone in his family) so it is new to him too.
The trick is to be supportive but not be a fallback position, which is what, I think I grapple with. I may just be overthinking here
Letting go hasn't changed my feelings for H but I know I'm generally unaffected by what he does or doesn't do and life is...nice, there are infinite possibilities in front of me.