Blowing in the wind....

[RosaLinda]

Time for a new thread! Old one: How can you mend a broken heart?


Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from reality.
Open your eyes,
Look up to the skies and see,
Any way the wind blows, doesn't really matter, to me.
........"Bohemian Rhapsody" Queen

I thought of this verse from this song because my H has immersed himself deep in a fantasy land, and has been blowing and spinning like weeds whipping around in a wind storm. And I've been spinning right along with him. But I am determined, with a little help from my friends here, to stop spinning, to stop letting it affect me so. Is it the answer that's blowing in the wind? I don't think so

[nero]

hey hi-

yeah- spinning in response to their wild twirling & tilting. idk linda- when you figure out the magic formula to stop responding to them - tell me.

im lots better about it- can walk away from possible brewing conflict- or wise-guy-ness... it's something. not cured - but lots better than back when i "cared" what he thought or felt (well, more anyway).

just more self controlled & saving own self feelings, etc.

i'm alot like you with the wild emotional attachment. it's slacked off a heck of alot- just battered to death really- now long can ya hang on kind of thing... stil have "something" significant- can't define it. not thinking about what the heck "it" is anymore- just sliding along.

i'll hate it the minute he leaves - makes me think of you. it stinks and there's no fix for it-

oh well huh??? who knows, maybe a miracle will have occurred and i won't feel bad as usual??? we can hope rite?

sorry to hear your h will be gone & you're having surgery- hope it's nothing too serious. i can't remember or don't know about it- not much time to go waay back too much rite now.

it's a lonely feeling. i don't feel like my H is ever "there" for me last bunch of years. eve if it was only in my head or imagination- i felt good about someone caring about me. going pretty far back- maybe he never was an i was deluded- a distinct possibliity. i've lived thru sister's alcoholism & ultimate death- mom's various hospitalizations and lots of scary insane stuff with her- a flat tire down the shore (called AAa) - a dead battery (re-charged myself & replaced) - and day to day knowing there's no one to call if i break down or fall down the steps or don't come home from nite walk. who would notice? oh well- hasn't killed me yet so i guess i'll get thru it all and get used to it.

i miss being part of a pair mostly in life-

idk what he is & is thinking i am to him - he was saying something a couple days ago and referring to me as his girlfriend- it surprised me- i feel like nothing to him most of the time- idk if he sees anything different in his brain- it's a wierd wierd thing- someone elses brain (particulrly mlc guy) me? i still cannot even imagine what he's doing keeping me in his life.

ordered oil for winter tho - (yay- heat this year) & he's traipsing to hospital with me- i hate to not acknowledge good things he does or about him- but still hate and am confused by allllll the bad. and of course- wonder what the ultimate "answer" is about it all.

i'm gonna be most patient person in world after all this or die trying... hang on dearie. I know what you feel- i know why (allll those years) , all of the above- perhaps it's MOSTLY our age & history things. but hey- we're here tryin rite? and that's huge- hang on-

oh well- i better go find some caffeine and see if i can figure out if sister is at hospital- or if i can get my eyeballs to quit hurting a bit-

ta da!!! my exciting life huh? (mom in hospital) after a month down there with aunt in hospital- ka bam- mom in hospital here- sheesh ! it's scary stuff all this wacky health junk- er's and so on...

your world huh???

xxoo

[RosaLinda]

Brought over from my old thread: In a discussion regarding LL, rH had mentioned that her LL is words of affirmation and her H's is physical touch. My H's is WOA also, and he does NOT like to touch me lately, so I asked rH her opinion of how my H feels when I touch him. My DB coach has instructed me to try casually touching him a bit every day, like a light hand on the shoulder or arm while passing. At first he flinched away, but has not shied away from me for a couple of weeks.

rH So, if I'm annoyed with H, I hate touching him yes. He probably did show me love in a lot of ways "before all this happened" -- as I call it. But I wasn't listening. Once your H decides to come back to you, all these things will fall into place. The love will come from the heart and you will hear it loud and clear!

I know, for myself, as we were preparing to D last fall (basically October through December) I took away H's LL. I clearly remember him being crushed when he asked for a hug as he was leaving. More than once. I said no. Yes, there were a few times I gave out a little bit (just enough to keep him hungry) -- holding hands at restaurant, etc. -- but basically I was telling H in his love language I wasn't gonna be around any more.

IMO, Linda, your H doesn't miss you. He is disgusted with your ways of ILY b/c of his crisis. He is looking elsewhere for affirmation. I think you want to play the pursuer/distancer dance not shower him with love. Is there any doubt in his mind you love him?

I'm sorry for flipping out about the word "disgusted" rH, and thank you for your honest answer. I asked you, you answered honestly, and I did not like the answer, sorry, I apologize.

So after thinking this over, you are right, H IS looking for affirmation from the Russian Tramp, not me, and I'm sure she supplies it, as thick and phony as diet peanut butter. I do try to give my H sincere WOA when ever I think it's appropriate. Since he is getting this from RT, do you think he would notice if I stop WOA? As a non-WOA person, I like WOA but do not crave them, I crave touch. As a WOA person, are WOA so important to you that you would you notice if your H withheld appreciation? If you do, I'll try this.

Secondly, how can I get him to miss me since we are here in the house together? I have the basic hang of the pursuer/distancer dance, but do you have any good suggestions? He does not even notice if I am out of the house all day, but likes to hang out and talk in the evenings either at the beach or watching TV. So maybe I should find more things to do without him out of the house in the evenings?

Wonka The reason why I am advocating for a sprinkling of WOA and now AOS is that, as you say, H is a "kitten" compared to the 'cruel' male MCLers as shown on this board in other threads. And H does not recoil from your touches.

The key for WOA is to be used sparingly and truly genuine. Not just for the sake of it. Like wise for AOS.

As for H possibly initiating R talk when he returns from Russia, it may or may not happen. Try not to think too far ahead. I know it [censored] that he's flying out the same day you're having surgery. It is the time for you to surround yourself with loved ones who support you and make you feel good.

It is very good that you're going to England soon for it will be a good change of scenery for you and get your mind off from your sitch. Be sure to tuck in a good curry dish! British folks love their curry and there's more curry restaurants in that country outside of India

Thanks Wonka. That was the only day they had open that I could have the surgery and get clearance from the doctor to fly to England. H's mom is going to bring me for my surgery, and spend the night and bring me to the doctor the next day. And knowing her, she'll probably clean the house and take me out to dinner. She is a super wonderful energetic woman, 82 years old, really nice and loving to me. Her son does not appreciate her, and she is pretty ticked off with him right now

I'll be careful and sincere and honest with the WOA and AOS. Today on the way home from my hearing I texted whether he needed anything from the store and he answered "potatoes", very romantic exchange; I think he appreciates stuff like that.

I am so looking forward to my trip, never having been out of the country. So exciting. My friend is taking me to some concert on my anniversary, to cheer me up. Curry huh? I think of fish and chips and pints of warm beer when I think of England, probably from old movies. Anything else? I'm excited!

[reachingHigher]

Linda, I didn't feel offended and didn't think you flipped out over that word. This is tough stuff!

I hesitated momentarily to write that but went ahead as I felt that was how my H treated me -- disgustedly -- while trying to reach him through touch. He wasn't ready and felt disgusted. Our spouses are somewhat all the same and somewhat different. Idk what you should do. I just felt like if we shouldn't say ILY maybe stepping up his LL wasn't a good idea!

I really think relying on your DB coach is your best bet. GALbaby said it so eloquently to me last year -- that your coach can see to the heart of your M!

Our opinions here are all that -- just opinions.

I'll try to not be so blunt. I didn't mean to step on your toes !!

Hope you are going to be feeling better and recovering soon. You are a remarkable, loving and caring woman.

All my best,
rH

[reachingHigher]

And I'm so sorry I hurt you. That was not my intent at all!

Posting on this forum is good but sometimes a lot is lost in the translation!

[RosaLinda]

I was not hurt, just SO upset to thik I disgust him. I tried to think of being disgusted by another person but as a nurse am pretty used to touching all kinds of skeevy characters. So I made him worse and worse until he was covered with barf lol! Thank you for your honesty rH. Please promise me you will never tone down your replies to me. I truly love and admire and apreciate you. Honestly!

And do trust Chuck my coach too, thanks for that too rH

[ForeverYoung]

If we don't speak our spouses LL, then why would they want a marriage with us again? Because we're "showing them what they're missing"? Hmmm. I wouldn't count on that working. They're already "done", remember? Withholding their LL could just as easily confirm in their mind all their reasons for bailing on us. Maybe a good last resort technique if you're done, or on your way to D, like RH was when she cut back on H's LL.

Having said that, I do think there can be plenty of other reasons to pull back a bit, or a lot. (like how it makes us feel, or helps/hinders our ability to cope) And of course we never want to go overboard with LL. That'll only push 'em away.

RH is right when she said every sitch/spouse is different. Like everything else, we have to monitor and do what works... Which reminds me, I need to pull out my official T2 googles and clipboard, spank wife and take notes on her response.

[albamarie]

I texted whether he needed anything from the store and he answered "potatoes", very romantic exchange; I think he appreciates stuff like that

IMHO, and how I started detaching before I was "done'', I would not have text H. To me, that is an LBS doing exactly what we have always done and expecting a different result. Also, it is the MLCer seeing that he can expect you to always do the same things.

If we don't speak our spouses LL, then why would they want a marriage with us again? Because we're "showing them what they're missing"? Hmmm. I wouldn't count on that working. They're already "done", remember?

I agree with this, we can't really teach them a lesson per se, we have to stay true to ourselves, whether we are withholding or being natural it has to be for our own benefit, we must put ourselves first.

Withholding their LL could just as easily confirm in their mind all their reasons for bailing on us. Maybe a good last resort technique if you're done, or on your way to D, like RH was when she cut back on H's LL.

I think if they want to bail, we really don't do too much to encourage that, again IMHO. As I began to feel ''done'', I had no need to speak to H who's LL is WOA, but there was no need, he said it wasn't ''my'' words at the time he was interested in any.

Now that I can ask him some things outright, I have learned that it was better for me, in his opinion, that I didn't LL him because he would have been resentful.

There is no wrong or right way, monitoring is a good word, I guess I used trial and error, but for a while now I have been just doing it my way and H has slowly (as a snail) been inching toward me, I am not the pursuer I used to be.

[Verum]

I agree with FY about the LL, especially if you live at home with your S. I realized I was poor at two things: gift-giving and physical touch. I have started doing both, but without trying to go overboard. It is a balancing act in my opinion.

[Whiterose]

My H's LL is time together......this may be difficult since he won't come anywhere near me or the house. Lol