Growing a Backbone, No More Cake Eating

[sthelen]

I can not figure out how to post a link to my last thread...but it was 14 pages long so I think it's time to start fresh.

A quick summary:
Married 11 years, 3 kids. Totally blindsided in March, I thought we were pretty happy.

H woke up on Good Friday and dropped the bomb "I haven't been happy for a year and don't want to be married anymore. I don't know why"

2 MC sessions with a horrible therapist, she suggested he move out.

He moved out April 23.

He moved home May 17, said I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he's never been more sure of anything in his life.

Asked for a divorce on May 22. Moved back out.

Filed for a divorce on May 29.

Immediately that day started saying he has hope we can fix this, he loves me, I've been a remarkable wife, etc...

Continued on that rollercoaster until July 23 with daily phone calls and declarations of love. I confirmed his many months long PA on July 23 and he immediately turned on me, became very angry and bitter and I honestly started to think he hated my guts. Refused to work on the marriage, said it was over, there is nothing left, he is never coming home, etc... It immediately became a blame game, everything was my fault, he was justifying his actions like crazy.

August 9th he blew up at me with the worst anger I have ever seen from him. That was a turning point for me. I emailed him that weekend and said we are through discussing anything about this marriage, ever. I don't deserve to be treated that way. Keep our conversations to kids and divorce only.

Apparently that scared him. Ugh.

He called August 12 and apologized for the way he treated me on the 9th. He said it's all anger at himself for what he did, I don't deserve it. Then he started again with the confusion. He asked if I still think we can fix it. He said he isn't really ready for it to be over. He said, "just because I say I want it to be over and I act like I want it to be over doesn't really mean I want it to be over"

August 14 he got fired from his job, the job that we both feel contributed to A LOT of our marriage problems...a young company full of single people that go out drinking many times a week, and ultimately how he met OW. Yes, he was weak enough to give in to the lifestyle and I sat back and let it happen...but life was definitely better before the job and I think getting away from that toxic environment will be very good for him and hopefully, at some point, us.

Since the 12th when the confused comments started again he has mentioned us buying a new house together near where his new job will be, said a couple more times he's confused and doesn't know what he wants, accused his recent craziness on a brain tumor and still makes comments about us remarrying in the future, etc...

And he's a really big cake eater and I have to enforce boundaries! I am becoming a doormat in hopes of saving my marriage. OW is still in the picture. H is proceeding with the divorce, despite declarations of confusion...but we are still ahem, being intimate and I have to put my foot down.

I also want to stop the daily phone calls. Even if they start out about the kids or divorce he always turns it back to the relationship and I feel he's taking my temperature. I feel very much that he just thinks he can finish his business with OW and I'll be here waiting if he changes his mind.

I have to take D to the doctor now. I'll add more when I get back. It helps to write it all out.

I have done a pretty good job with GAL...enough that he has noticed and expressed anger over me making the changes that he wants, now that it's too late, now that it's over.

I talked to my therapist today about setting boundaries. I'd love feedback about doing that (mainly the sex and relationship calls) while letting him realize the door to save the marriage is still open...but I will not be treated like a mistress, which is what he's been doing. The roles have reversed. He's spending all of his time with her and sneaking calls to me when she's not around. He hasn't said that but I suspect it based on the timing of his calls (never evenings or weekends).

[sthelen]

My response to lovethehub's last post in my old thread:

Wow, thank you for your response. I really appreciate the perspective from the other side.

Is your story posted anywhere? I’d love to read it.

However, your H continues to make comments about a future because he IS confused. I know for me, I knew deep inside I would regret it if I left my H - I just didn't know why. When he wanted to work things out after he found out about my A, wanted to go to MC, wanted to go on dates, etc.., I was so angry inside. I thought to myself, "NOW you want to do all of the things I have talked about over the years? Now that I found someone else and I am happy again?"

I'm glad you say he really is confused. Sometimes it feels like he's just trying to keep me on the hook as Plan B. Yes, he has expressed that same anger and said pretty much the same thing.

My H being so willing to make things work probably dragged things out a lot longer because when I finally realized he was truly done with my BS, I got clear on what I wanted.

How did you know he was truly done? What did he say or do?

When you stop the daily phone calls and he realizes you may not be there waiting for him, it will force him to start thinking more about the situation.

I think I am ready to do this. It has taken me 4 months but I think I'm strong enough to take this risk. The risk being...without that little daily connection, I may not have any of him. He may just go on his merry way and never look back.

[sthelen]

I just confessed my boundary issues to an older female neighbor and got a well deserved butt chewing from someone in the mother role.

Help me find my backbone. Tell me all the reasons I need to do this.

I have been afraid all along because I was afraid of losing what last little connection we have...but if enforcing healthy boundaries scares him off...then we don't really have any hope anyway and I'm better off without him.

[sthelen]

Well this may sound weird but I sent him an email.

I send him a lot of emails, it's easier for me. I'm totally wrapped around his finger and my new backbone turns to jello when he's around.

I made it short, sweet and to the point, totally polite and leaving the door open to work on the marriage. No more daily calls, confusing me with his relationship talk. And no more sex. I can not respect myself for having sex with him knowing he is not committed to me and is getting it elsewhere. If he never speaks to me again and that's all he was hanging on for, well at least my marriage ended with my self respect intact.

[sthelen]

I am glad I sent the email, the cake eating had to be stopped regardless of the outcome of the marriage, for my self respect.

But I've re-read it 100 times and am driving myself crazy with what I shoulda/ coulda said.

But it definitely got the point across in a way that made it clear I'm still willing to save this marriage, and no ultimatums.

Honestly, it was time. I have been nothing but patient, supportive and compassionate for 5 months. It was time for him to get a little dose of reality into his fantasy world...reality being I will not be Plan B. His cake is crumbling. And I'm strong enough and ready to take the risk that he won't care.

I've come a long way. This is a new chapter.

[willbwell]

I hear ya sthelen, I am putting off turning the page...I will follow your posts. know all sits are different but we have some similarities. My h is done but has not filed as of yet. not sure why. maybe its coming soon. we definitely had the work issues that got in the way of our marriage...lots of younger singles, lots of partying. my h in the position to pick up the tab(company $) I let h come back home three times without any question.
im am working on me. trying to be positive and move forward. just wanted to say hey,I get it.

[chasingpavements]

Sthelen, I think it's good that you sent the letter. You are putting your foot down that what he is doing right now is unacceptable. (which it is). If he comes back, then it will be on YOUR terms, with your boundaries

-cp

[lovethehub]

Yes, now the important part is sticking to it when he comes calling or knocking. You cannot back down or your words will lose their meaning.

How did you know he was truly done? What did he say or do?

My H dropped many bombs over the last 5 years, several during my A and the time after it when I didn't truly recommit to the M (that's another issue we can talk about later!). We would be nice but distant, no physical contact, etc. for a month or so and then little by little we would warm up to each other and then one day just sort of smile, kiss and jump back in. When BD came in Feb, it was different. It wasn't part of a fight, he was just fed up with my selfish choices. My A had been over for years but I had not truly committed to our M and had done zero work on myself. I knew he meant it. I did the crying, begging thing for a few days and then I went online and found DB. I started looking at myself and realized how many ways I had hurt him and how I had always blamed him for everything. This is why letting go is so important. If I (now as the LBS) had not let go, I never would have looked inside myself and I never would have understood his unhappiness or my part in all of this. You have to look inside and instead of just being hurt/mad/sad/sick/disgusted/ticked that they are having an A, you have to realize how they could have come to the point where they felt this was their best choice. What did you do/not do in the M that failed it? We know you know what he did but you can't control that. It seems like you have a good idea and are working on those things already. Many people don't and they just continue to focus on what their S is doing and how they are hurting the M; this will never bring about change, at least not lasting change.

I think I am ready to do this. It has taken me 4 months but I think I'm strong enough to take this risk. The risk being...without that little daily connection, I may not have any of him. He may just go on his merry way and never look back.

I have no doubt you are strong enough. Your posts show that and you are looking inside and worrying about your changes, not his. I don't think this is a risk. Do you want your H under the conditions you have him now? NO. I think I would have committed a LOT earlier if my H hadn't made it so easy for me to remain the same person. Which sounds like blame on him and I don't mean it that way..I mean that whenever he was leaving, I would freak out, cry, not want to lose him, sob for days, etc. Then he would come back so quickly and I would be so happy but within days the old me would show up, the uncommitted one who didn't really know what she wanted. Stick to your guns. Be loving, friendly and leave the door open for R, not for sex!

[Accuray]

StHelen,

You have it figured out, and your email was 100% the right thing to say and no more. While he thinks you are on the shelf he will not value you. He may manipulate you to keep you on the shelf, but it's not sincere.

People value what they have to work for, and do not value that which is given freely.

First you establish that you are WORTH working for through 180, GAL, Act as If, and then you pull back and become unavailable for cake eating.

He won't like that, it will destabize him and make him feel that he's losing control of something he had well controlled, so he will test you, and may test you severely by being extra nice or extra mean. You cannot crack or compromise now or your current pain will be for nothing and you'll be right back where you were.

Time for YOU to evaluate what HE will have to do to re-engage with you. Come up with a list, but don't share it with him until such time that you are convinced he wants to come back.

The harder you are to get, and the happier you seem, the more he will want you, and that is just human nature.

Be strong and have faith -- you are the prize to be won, you are the faithful spouse who has improved yourself. He's a cheater and a liar. He has work to do to be worthy of *you*, not the other way around

Acc

[subguy]

You did the right thing, stay the course! Work on you become a happy strong individual, now is the time to work hard on yourself. Be honest with what you want to change, however remember that you did the best you could with the tolls you had available to you at the time. If he wants some of what sthelen has he needs to earn it. That means to stop opening you up to STD's and emotional damage.