Conversations w/MLC Spouse

[KattK]

Just to add a little more detail to my story so you can get the full picture:

He has had problems with his back ever since I've known him, 23 years. He claimed that if he spent more than 2 nights in our bed his back ached for days afterwards, so he's been spending the majority of the past 15 years on the couch. We have bought 2 beds, neither of them were comfortable for him. He wouldn't buy another. This extinguished our emotional intimacy as well as pretty much killed the physical side also. If a woman doesn't feel emotionally connected to her H, she's just not interested in being intimate. That bonding is not there, it just becomes empty sex. (the day after "those encounters" he was always short tempered with me again because he had gotten what he wanted and no longer had a "need" for me.) I believe that was more than likely the root cause for me pulling away emotionally from him. I felt like he only wanted me for two purposes, the other was cleaning the house. That, in turn, only validated his "need" to pull away from me. He was hostile for no real reason other than he was no longer able to control what I did and when.

The house always ran by HIS schedule, if he was working on a project and I tried to get him to come up for air to spend time with me and the children he would get short tempered with me for trying to control his time. I had not gotten a life outside of our M because I wanted to be available to be with him the moment he had time for us (while the kids were little I had to watch them when he was busy anyway). Conversely, when there was a family get together (his side) the children and I were always made to go, even if it would keep the kids from having their naps. This left me with an overtired toddler in my arms, crying and flailing because they were in an environment where they could not sleep while he was having a great time with his family. Not even sitting with us, or giving a rats a$$ about the screaming child in my arms. Any of you who have had this situation know that once you go too far past nap time you can pretty much kiss the rest of your day goodbye. That child will not be anywhere near the point of being consoled for hours and hours. They get so tired they work themselves up to total blowout frustration they just can't relax no matter what you do.

He did everything he could to provide for us, fixing the house, the cars, we both worked full time (and then some). He was doing everything right as far as THINGS go, but not as far as our M went. That needed attention too, but he never saw or felt that without taking time to tend to our R it would suffer.

He pushed me away from parenting my children, he would get angry with me if I spoke to them about homework, etc. telling me "I'm handling it." and holding his hand up at me to keep me away. If I went to them after he spoke to them he would get all gruff and abrasive and verbally abusive towards me. It was not a 50/50 partnership. He ran the show. Now I ask myself, how much of that was MLC related and how much was just his personality.

He has issues to work through that I don't honestly think he ever will. At this point I just want him to at least see what happened, he seems to be blind to any contribution he made to this mess. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. He was pushing that pendulum as much as I was. He was projecting onto me for a long, long time and I just accepted full blame thinking that it would diffuse his anger, but I now believe that if I had stood up for myself he would have to face the truth eventually, all of it. Instead I left him justified in his actions for leaving us. It seems he's off the hook because I claimed it was all me. He'll never look inward or turn that mirror on himself.

He has said it was time for him now. He was done doing everything for others. He gets to be a part time dad, on his own schedule. I'm putting my foot down there and standing my ground when its my week. His family plans mean nothing to me. Too bad they fall on MY time. It was his decision to not be part of our daily lives, not mine. He claims he left me, not them. They live with me though, so he has to deal with the fallout.

Now, ...we're talking without accusations. He seems to have let go of his anger. He went from a man who would not come and help when the washing machine blew a hose leaving me with Niagra Falls pouring through my dining room ceiling to a man who now makes suggestions that maybe a light is a bit old and needs to be replaced & fixes the stove, etc. His words "I don't care anymore, it's not my house now." seem to have faded off into the distance. But I know even though he does care, he more than likely won't come back. What really gets me is he's doing things I've asked him to for YEARS. Cutting back on video games, trying to quite smoking. The new GF gets the man that is new and improved while I suffered through endless hours and hours of zombie killing & car chasing & begging him to stay healthy so he could be by my side at retirement age. I just want him to see it. He can't right now, maybe never will.