I am a Newcomer.

[Not Quitting]

You don't need to see those texts. It won't help and will probably make things worse. Don't try to initiate any talks about your M. There's a lot of things that will go against your natural instinct in DBing, but you've got to go with it.

You've got to focus on yourself. There is nothing you can do to change your H. You said "I look like crap. I feel like crap". You've got to remove those negative thoughts from your mind, as hard as it is going to be. Set yourself some goals - you started when you said you about how much weight you need to lose. 50lbs is a major goal so why not change it to losing 10lbs by a set date. Once you reach that goal, you set another one for more weight loss until you reach that target you've already mentioned.

You need a PMA to get through this, whatever the outcome. And you're not going to get a PMA with those thoughts running through your head. Find something you've always wanted to do, or something you stopped doing but wish you hadn't, and do it. Something that will keep your mind occupied so that you don't have the time to think about what is going on in your M.

Don't try to figure out what he's thinking. The only thing you can know for sure right now is that he's not thinking about you, the family, his M. You can't take anything he says or does personally. It's not going to be easy, but please remember you are not alone. Use this forum to vent. While you're on moderation your posts won't show right away, but the more you post the quicker you'll be off moderation.

Remember you're not alone. You need to stay strong for yourself and your SS. Work on improving yourself. It's not going to be easy, it's not going to be quick. You're going to have bad days and even very bad days but you'll also have good days.