wife hardends heart-3

[planet]

What should i expect if i leave? What should i do or don't do?
I read Fartiltre's NEW LIFE / NEW ME thread and i kind of understand what to expect but there a few variables in my situation.

In my case,
W has an OM whom she thinks its alright to hang out with. He's She knows he's interested and she's 'feeding' him but i'm just guessing. She may as well developed stronger feelings.
W is in much better position financially and do not require my help.
W can take care of my kids by herself although she may have a little trouble doing it. She's almost will rely on her relatives to care for them if she needs to be away.
W doesn't have any problem staying out late despite the high crime index. In fact, she came back at around 2 in the morning yesterday. She don't often do this though.
In summary, she don't really need me at all. No reason for her to miss my presence. She have her own life. She has got all base covered.

I know if stayed any longer, things would not change. She seems to have accepted this living arrangement and probably is somewhat comfortable. The house is hers now and there's no reason whatsoever to have me around. Probably bidding her time to have me leave first.

She's been taking some sleeping pills recently to help her sleep. I asked her about this when i saw them. She said she hasn't been having much sleep for many months. Funnily, so do i. I can't sleep beyond 4 or 5 hours and will wake up at around 5 in the morning and can't fall back into sleep thereafter. For me, it's after the bomb.

[planet]

Reading through some of the old threads here regarding EA.
There are advocates of exposing the EA. MrBond himself did just that and actually berated his wife over the moral implications of EA. Vets like sandi2 and Gnosis are in favour of stopping the affair and laying out boundaries. So too are Patientman and newman.

What I would like to know is should I get tough one more time and confront W to make her understand her actions?
Should I get help from her parents?
Confront OM?

The consequences is that I'm leaving. I realize that I've already signed the D papers and she may not take my leaving as a loss since she's adamant on getting on with the D.
I want to explore everything before I truly leave.
Please advice.

[MrBond]

"There are advocates of exposing the EA. MrBond himself did just that and actually berated his wife over the moral implications of EA."

This is not correct. I want to clarify this.

First of all, I didn't "expose" the A. My W told me she was interested in someone else right off the bat and the OM showed up at my working place to confront me. So I didn't expose anything.

Second, I never berated my W over the "moral" implications of the A. I talked to her about the consequences of what she was doing. And then I would stand my ground when she started to say things that wasn't true or when I felt she overstepped my boundaries.

With that being said, you're approaching your situation wrongly. If you leave, you don't do it because you want her to feel something. You do it because YOU are tired of being treated this way and either way, you have no expectation of a reaction from her. You leave for YOU and NOT for her.

"What I would like to know is should I get tough one more time and confront W to make her understand her actions?"

You CANNOT make her do anything. You can only change yourself and become a better man.

If you're going to leave, make sure your children are taken care of first. Go for 50% custody with them or else you will not get a chance to see them and they'll be raised by another man.

[PatientMan]

Reading through some of the old threads here regarding EA.
There are advocates of exposing the EA. MrBond himself did just that and actually berated his wife over the moral implications of EA. Vets like sandi2 and Gnosis are in favour of stopping the affair and laying out boundaries. So too are Patientman...

planet,

I never said to stop the EA, just to stop the blatant disrespect of flaunting it right in front of you in your home. The fact is, you cannot stop an affair, but you CAN set boundaries on how you will allow yourself to be treated. Whether or not you want to reconcile with your W, you need to be respected and it's clear that isn't the case.

-PM

[planet]

So be it. I will leave.
I will give her only the agreed alimony which is enough for my kids.
I will make a schedule with W for visitations.
I can't be spending money on her mortgage.
I can't really focus on my project if I stay.

50% custody is out of my hands. Reversing the custodial rights is my best option but W's situation must change in order for that to happen.

[MrBond]

So what is your plan of action?

[MrBond]

You had asked for some of the things I read. Here are a few.

walk out woman, project happily ever after, his needs/her needs, 5 love languages, dr. phil books, art of seduction, love must be tough, the definitive book on body language, how to save your marriage alone, the art of intimacy, the art of loving, all the books by gottman and a bunch more.

I also listened to a ton of marriage podcasts and read many blogs including: one extraordinary marriage, focus on the family, stay happily married, project happily ever after, the sound marriage show, etc.

[planet]

I plan to move out by the end of the month or maybe earlier.
I don't have much personal things so i think i could just do that in a day.
My parents already said i could move back with them any day. I think its best this way so i could save up some money.
Right now, just don't know how to tell W and more importantly my kids.

[fade]

It sounds like your lawyer is giving you a bleak outlook. If you havent already, I would suggest consulting with a few lawyers to see if any of them have any new ideas or suggestions. Im surprised your lawyer said you cant get any traction citing infidelity. I cant speak for Malaysia, but in the US I have observed that the same judges that seem to favor the mother are also the ones that place the most weight on infidelity. It just so happens that historically most infidelity we would hear about in court was by the husband. In the US, 4/5 lawyers will say that infidelity has no impact. They are just being lazy. In a litigated divorce it ALWAYS has an impact.

[MrBond]

I agree with the getting a second opinion on the legal matters.