Got back home from small little Iowa to busy LAX. Man was that a hard change after so many weeks. I texted H letting him know I can take a taxi but he said he would pick me up to save money on a cab. I was excited to see him until I saw him. He was still quiet and distant. He told me he was going to move to a friend's house today until he could find an apartment. He packed a suitcase of clothes and left everything else here. I thought I would be more emotional about it, but I just don't feel anything right now. I did backslide a little last night: I told him if he felt like he wanted divorce, don't stop on account of my feelings and go to the lawyer. I didn't say it in a bitter tone, but I have no idea why I said that. I've never been one to enjoy limbo. I'm a rip off the band-aid kind of person. He just told me he wasn't going to talk about our marriage and if I did continue he would sleep in the car. I didn't want that so I just went to bed.
While I was away he decided to remove all the pictures around our apartment of us together. He said he didn't want to look at them. I thought they reminded me more of the happy memories than of the sad, but I didn't really say much about it but to ask him where they were. He made the bed (something he never does), and kept my potato plant alive on our balcony while I was away. Really shocked he did anything. I didn't want to read too much into he really cares about me, so I just dismissed it as him softening the blow of moving out. (In the science world you're trained to be a cynic). I thanked him for watching over the apartment and cats while I was gone, and he said it was his apartment too so don't think anything about it.
I feel like at this point I almost want to go out find a lawyer and just be done with the whole thing. I know that's probably a temporary feeling, so I'm going to focus on other things while I let that idea set for awhile. Also, he's been supporting me since we've got married. I would need to find a job (a real one that doesn't pay crap) first before going off to a lawyer's office. I need to prepare for the worst situation in case we do end up splitting, and I need some rent money in the bank. I've decided to use the time until I get a job to just improve on myself, and it will give him more time to figure out his feelings. There will be no running out filing with a lawyer until I got all my ducks in a row, and I'm 100% sure this is what I want. Those times are both far away from now, so I need to focus on the present.
My sister is finally moving to LA this week so I'm super excited. We're going apartment haunting this week and I'll be dragging her stuff from up North and making her new place all girly. I love decorating. I also love the prospect that I can spend weekends with her more often now. I'm really close to my sister so this is good timing for a distraction if I ever needed one more.
